Several Miles or So

So, I broke into my good friend Hyper-Realistic Mayonaise’s house and stole The Pasta Inutilis Ritualia Apta Troglodytarum from him, mainly because I wanted to find a ritual that would guarantee me being able to find a Krispy Kreme. After eating Hyper-Realistic Mayonaise, including his jar and lid, I was able to find a ritual for this known only as Several Miles or So. In order to do the incredibly deadly ritual, you will need a Razor scooter. Assuming you have that, you will need to do the following.

 

You will need to ride your Razor scooter down an incredibly busy road at any time of day. Think about the perfect sandwich at Schlotzsky’s. Look for signs for a new road to turn on, this road will be the one you will need to do the ritual at. The road may be wide. It may be narrow. It is likely in another dimension (the Jeff the Killer cinematic universe dimension, in fact). But you will need to look for signs that this is the road. You may see glitter sparkling in the trees. You may feel a slight urge to play Marvel vs. Capcom Infinite (which is never normal). You may see muenster cheese on the ground. But you will usually see about 945 neon signs all pointing to the road saying, “Over here, jackass!!!”.

 

Turn on the incredibly rude road, and flip the signs off. Your journey will begin. The ritual is divided into miles, how many I couldn’t be bothered to check. On the first mile, it will suddenly be night; you may hear the sound of a light switch being turned off. Look at the sky. It will be filled with stars. If you look closely, you will see that the star form a constellation that is shaped like EVIL PATRIXXX smiling down on you. Look at this to gain the courage to go through this, and then continue. On the second mile, all of the stars will suddenly disappear. And the weather will suddenly get very cold. It will be 62 degrees, and you will not be able to set it to a toasty 63. Look past this slight discomfort and continue. On the third mile, there will be a tollbooth. The manager is a hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and only one nostril, most likely the same guy Weird Al encountered in Albuquerque. If you have an EZ-pass, he will let you through. If not, he will shove a snorkel down your throat, suffocating you to death.

 

If he lets you pass, continue on to the fourth mile. You will be on a very thin bridge 666 feet above a lake. The lake is very bright in flashes a different color every second in a seizure-inducing array of randomness. Do not look at it though. If you do, you will suddenly teleport above the lake and drown in an overdose of LSD. On the fifth mile, your surroundings, as well as yourself, will turn black and white. The buildings next to you will be repeated every 20 feet. Mickey Mouse will be walking next to you, but don’t talk to him. He has had a hangover and is pretty depressed at the moment. Can’t blame him; this mile is filled with the sounds of a 3 year old finding a piano for the first time. On the sixth mile, the music will be replaced with a stock screaming sound effect on a loop. Mickey’s face will melt off, and he will start to run. The buildings will be replaced with giant burritos with hyper-realistic eyes (your normal meal at Taco Bell), and the street will be warped in ways I am too lazy to describe. Do not let him beat you to the end of the mile. If he does, you will hear the kid from earlier trying to autotune his random piano noises, but failing. This will somehow kill you.

 

If you beat him, continue to the seventh mile. Your surroundings will be normal again. You will be surrounded by trees. If you look carefully, however, you will see faces peering through them. DO. NOT. LOOK. They are the Burger King guy and his vast progeny. Looking at them will likely drive you insane, and cause you to crash. They will then take your corpse and turn you into Mac and Cheetos. If you pass this, you will continue to the eighth mile. On the eighth mile, the Burger Kings will chase your scooter down, running at high speed. Absolutely book it on your Razor to assure they do not catch up. On the ninth mile, you will suddenly be on a bridge above lava. To your left will be windows; in one of them you will see some tree with eyes. At the end of the wooden bridge will be Waluigi. He will turn towards you and say, “You thought Bieber worked alone?” He will then start shooting a bunch of fireballs at you. During this epic fight, you will need to beat him. If you do, you will suddenly gain a cape. Knock him into the lava. He will scream, “OH WAH NO!!!!1”. Then, go across the bridge, and to the tenth mile.

 

On the tenth mile, Yoda’s drunken sister Yaddle will jump on your back. She will sing the Star-Spangled Banner. Ignore her. If you acknowledge her, it will only encourage her to stay. If she does not leave your back by the eleventh mile, she will break your neck. On the eleventh mile, you will see the light of a digital clock. This is JackJack Anti-Skeleton Man the Killer, waiting for you on the twelfth mile. Prepare to fight him, and pray you survive. On the twelfth mile, since JackJack is invincible, you will have to bribe him with a box of Junior Mints, his favorite snack. If you do, he will let you pass to the thirteenth mile. If you look back at him as you pass here, he will wave back and smile. Some say that he does this because he is happy and thankful for the Junior Mints. But no. He is happy that the thirteenth mile is ahead. And that you are about to die. And that he has dibs on your mortal soul.

 

On the thirteenth mile, the wheels on your Razor scooter will be stuck. But it will not fall over; it will be perfectly balanced, no matter what you do. Duck tape will appear on your hands and feet, binding you to the Razor. You will be moving along the ground like a t-pose levitating in a Bethesda game. CLOSE YOUR EYES NOW. Nobody knows where the hell the thirteenth mile takes place. Most people only know it as one thing; the Transmission from Hyper-Realistic Heck. Many people think it is in Adam Sandler’s movie Jack and Jill. Anyways, do not open your eyes, no matter what you hear. You will sense horrid things. You will hear “Friday” by Rebecca Black. You will see illusions of the creepy guy from that Little Baby’s Ice Cream commercial in your mind. You will feel tinfoil grinding through your teeth. You will taste Yoohoo pouring down your throat. And you will experience even worse. But do not open your eyes, for if you do, you will be sent to Hoboken, New Jersey, a fate worse than the thousand deaths you died when Akuma performed Wrath of the Raging Demon on you when you were about to beat him for the first time.

Should you survive the thirteenth mile, the Krispy Kreme will be on the horizon to the left. Take your time to regain your sanity after your traumatic experience of the thirteenth mile. You may be wondering, “is there a catch?” No; you completely deserve your reward. To better answer the question, yes, the hot light is on. However, after you enjoy your dozen of donuts at the Krispy Kreme, you will have to go back through the Several Miles or So in order to return to your world. And even if you re-survive the thirteenth mile, on the twelfth JackJack Anti-Skeleton Man the Killer will be jealous that you had Krispy Kreme, and he will kill you by showing you It’s Everyday Bro by Logan Paul.