Someone in my house took the kids

I'm at retail and I am stocking shelves when I hear someone clear their throat

"Oh fuck me" I mutter "Excuuuuse me?" the voice says.

I turn around.

"Yes, how can I help you, would you like to try our-" I begin but she waves her hand.

"My coupons are expired" she retorts.

"I'm sorry to hear about that ma'am, whats your name?" I ask.

She looks disgusted. Fuck. I forgot.

"Did...did you just assume my gender?" she stutters.

"No-"

"What's your name? I'm writing you up"

"Ben Shapiro. What's yours?"

"Karen"

Dear Neptune....

"Nice to meet you, I believe we got off on the wrong foot but let's start over"

She looks even more disgusted.

"Feet? Get away from me you white trash pedophile"

"What the fuck"

"LANGUAGE! i wish to speak to the manager"

"K bitch didn't want this job anyway"

She clutches her chest in pain.

"You are a monster"

"Oh sorry let me go back in time and release the slaves of Egypt, I was about to say you can get a deal on the coupons"

She throws the coupons on the desk

"Keep them! Pig!"

"Oink oink"

"RAPE"

My boss comes out

"The hell is happening here?" my boss shouts.

"I tried to explain nicely that you can get a free coupon if you buy a ticket to Bitch Lasagna" I tell my boss.

"I see. What seems to be the problem ma'am?"

"Gender assumation!"

"It's assuming. To assume makes an ass out of u and me" I say

"What would you care about a ni-"

"MADAM! I am going to have to ask you to leave"

She starts pulling shit off shelves while screaming "OINK OINK PIGS"

911 what's your emergency.org

Security kindly escorts her out.

I'm panting but my boss puts his hand on my shoulder.

"It's alright honey, let's go home. We closed 2 minutes ago anyway" he says

"Thanks babe"

We get home to our kids, we have 3 of them.

We go inside and Tiny Tim runs into my arms.

"There's my special little guy!" I shout as I spin him around.

He giggles.

My boss/husband laughs, his name is Ricardo btw.

We play with them for a bit before getting tired.

"Let's go to bed" Ricardo says as he twirls a strand of hair.

"Sure, i'll put the kids to bed"

I bring Tiny Tim, Lil Shaggy and Nyannyan upstairs and read them the story of the Great T-Series War. (It's a tragic tale...).

I kiss their foreheads goodnight and go into the room, Ricardo is in an american flag thong and wearing a bandana, he walks forward saying "I like em big, I like em chunky"

"I'm trying to lose weight" I say

He laughs and scoops me in his arms and batista bombs me to the bed as he climb-

[This part has been removed as it is NC-17, now back to Schedueled Programming]

We lay down on the bed, the covers covering our parts.

"That was great" I gasp

I then hear something, I then hear an oink.

"Oh no. Oh GOD no" I say.

Ricardo sits up.

"What's wrong?" he says

"Stay here" I say as I get out of bed and put on the American flag thong. I grab a baseball bat and go into the hallway.

I hear something run behind me.

"WHOS THERE?!" I call out. No answer.

I see the door to the kids bedrooms are open.

All the blood drains from my face.

"No...no!"

I drop the bat and run into the room, their beds are empty.

I look out the window to see Karen, running into the woods, carrying my kids in a huge black bag, a massive penis swaying between her legs.

"she took the kids"

"SHE TOOK THE FUCKING KIDS"

I run out the backdoor

"COMETH THOT!" I shout as I throw the bat at her but she catches it with her penis

"That's impossible"

She then runs at me with the speed of a thousand SJWs.

I wake up, i'm tied to a chair, i'm wearing a pigs head.

Karen comes in with a knife

"Now. I wish to speak to the manager"

She stabbed me 28 times in the chest.

28 STAB WOUNDS?!

Yep

I wake up, snow falls on my face. It's so cold, I sit up to see a man sitting across from me, there are horses. It's a wooden carraige.

"You were trying to cross the border right?"

I see the title for The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Fucking Todd Howard