The Legend of the Epic BJ Challenge for the Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles Sega Genesis Game System Game

I don’t like video games. I used to, but that was before I started getting laid on the regular and realized that only virgins played them. The only exception is if you’re playing under Blowjob Challenge rules.

Blowjob Challenge, for you virgins that have never done it, is where you play a video game while your girlfriend (or boyfriend, I guess. If that's what does it for you.) is blowing you. The only rules are that you have to finish the game before they finish you, and it has to be in one sitting with one continuous blowjob, no breaks in between. And, of course, the most important rule:  If you fail, your girlfriend is obligated to break up with you. Aside from that, anything goes. It doesn’t even matter what game you’re playing. Rookies typically start out simple with Super Mario 3 and just warp whistle to the end, while the experts might take on something beefy like Final Fantasy 7. I actually knew a guy who decided to play Tetris; apparently he played for four days straight without realizing his girl had died of exhaustion.

Anyway, you could probably imagine my surprise when I received a letter in the mail from a friend. I call him a friend but we never actually hung out together, or spoke with each other, or went to the same school, and I can't remember his name right now. In fact, he might not actually exist.

Anyway, I took the letter inside and opened it, and out fell a Sega Genesis game shaped thing. “Who the hell still owns Sega Genesis games?” I asked to no one in particular since I was alone in my house. “The Genesis was a shit console when it was new!”

I picked it up and found that it was a "Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles" Sega Genesis game system game. But something was weird about it:  instead of the normal cartridge picture, someone had taken a sharpie and drawn a curly mustache on Sonic, and what looked like a crude little male genital on Knuckles' forehead. “Who would do such a strange thing?” I wondered to myself again because I was still by myself.

Anyway, I set the "Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles" Sega Genesis game system game on the counter and picked up the letter that had also fallen out of the envelope. It was a note, and it said this:

"Dear friend, I don't have much time left.  If you are reading this, then it's already too late for me, and the next time we meet I'll be dead.  Before I die, I wanted to warn you about something.  The Sega Genesis game system game that I have enclosed with this letter is not what it appears to be.  It's actually much much worse!  It was given to me for free by the creepy son of a mysterious old man who owns an old game shop that was built on top of an old Nintendo burial ground for $1.  I took it because I didn't think anything bad would happen... BUT I WAS WRONG!  And now it's too late for me.  I can feel His presence.  He's here.  He's watching me write this.  He's pointing out all of my spelling errors.  He's tapping his watch and looking impatient.  He's dragging me across the floor by my feet.  He's bringing me to the tool shed.  He's grabbing a chainsaw.  He's sawing my limbs off. He's-"  The rest of the letter was obscured by blood and urine.

Anyway, after washing my hands, I returned to the living room and picked up the "Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles" Sega Genesis game system game. I had a strange feeling that playing it would probably be bad, because it was a Sonic game and none of them are good, but also because my friend had apparently been killed for playing it. Or he'd been killed for something completely unrelated and the timeframe was just a big coincidence. But even if the game had killed him, what were the chances of it happening more than once? With that thought in mind, I decided I was definitely going to play this game that I hated. But I wasn’t going to play by their rules, I was going to play by mine. Which meant it was time for a Blowjob Challenge!

But first I was going to have to buy a Sega Genesis game system. Because, seriously, who still owned one of those pieces of shit?

Anyway, two years later I finally found a Sega Genesis game system. I probably could have gotten one sooner, but I spent most of that time getting laid and just sort of forgot about it. The only time I ever thought about the "Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles" Sega Genesis game system game was when it would inexplicably fling itself off the floor and hit me in the head. I didn't think much of it though, since it was probably just a glitch.

Anyway, I called up my girlfriend and then plugged in the Sega Genesis game system and inserted the "Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles" Sega Genesis game system game into the Sega Genesis game system. When she got to my house, I went to turn the game on. My hand hovered over the Power button hesitantly. I thought back to that guy who had so bravely typed me that email as he was being hacked to death by an axe-murderer. I briefly wondered if I should have called the police about that whole thing two years ago. Technically, I still could, since his body was probably still in his garage.

Anyway, I had a feeling that I wasn't going to enjoy this, because I forgot to buy a controller. But still, my curiosity got the better of me, so I took a deep breath and pushed the Power button. ............BUT I WAS WRONG!!

As I sat situated on the couch with my girlfriend’s face in my lap, I immediately knew something was wrong. As the title screen appeared on my television I let out a scream, because she had accidentally bitten me, but also because of what I saw. This was more than just some glitch. It was more than just some ROM-hACK. This was something straight out of a nightmare! The deepest, blackest nightmare ever conceived by inhuman minds! My heart froze and my pants browned as I read the words on the screen...

Sword of Sodan.

“OH FUCK NO AM I PLAYING THAT!” I screamed as I threw my remote at the television, breaking it.

“Hey!” your mom shouted as she pulled her mouth away from me. “You watch your language, young man!”