User blog:NedWolfkin/Ned's Nitpicks Volume 3: Charlie the Killer

Hello everyone, and welcome to what could possibly be the last Ned's Nitpicks. Today I will tear apart Charlie the Killer. Also, I'm sorry for being tardy with this one.

Well, here we have it. The definition of all shitty Jeff OCs. This is my "favorite" amongst all the Jeff OCs. Why? Because this one is short, not a complete rip off of Jeff's story, and it is a defining example of what all these stories are actually like.

Jeff is nearly 18 now and meeting Jane the Killer was a big thrill for him as she died a tragic death from ‘falling down the stairs’ but this didn’t stop his psychopathic ways.

First of all, how in the hell does anyone who isn't a 100 year old nursing home patient die simply by falling down stairs? Was it the basement steps that led to a cement wall? Was there spikes at the bottom? Who the hell knows.

Second, I'm assuming that Jeff murdered her and used "falling down the stairs" as an alibi. This theory is made evident by the apostrophes that should be quotation marks, but it is slightly confusing as to why a murderer who is on the run for already killing people has to make up a lie like that. Did the city prison make some deal with him that he was allowed to kill whoever he wanted except Jane?

The only point of this is to kill off a character who wasn't even canon in the first place just so the self-insert OC can be with Jeff.

Charlie was going through a rough bullying stage at school

Oh no! She's like the only person who has ever been bullied in history YOU GUYZ! She was probably bullied because she has boy's name. Yes I am aware that Charlie can be short for Charlotte, but we're never told anywhere that Charlotte is her full name.

and was beginning to get depressed and hearing voices on her head.

Not in her head, on them! Good thing they are invisible or else they would get dandruff on their shoes. I imagine that they talk a lot and one time during a test when her teacher was talking she shouted "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BASTARD!" to one of the voices and got into trouble.

They were telling her to do stuff.

Did they tell her to write a shitty self-insert story?

'''[O]ne day she snapped and listened to the voices in her head and pulled out the copper piping from the wall and stabbed her bully to death then licked the blood off the pipe. She leaned near the bullies body and whispered “Now you know how I felt when you called me ugly and said I was too fat to meet any one who’d like me and that I was a whore who should kill myself!”,'''

As this review of it pointed out ""One day Charlie decided to be insane, so she ripped a copper pipe out of the wall at her school. It was easy because she went to school in a building made of wet paper, apparently. The copper pipe was also strong and sharp enough to stab someone with, so it would seem the school did not adhere to safety regulations. Anyway, Charlie murdered a "bully" with the pipe and ranted at the corpse, "This is how I felt when you were calling me names! Name-calling is the equivalent of murder! I am completely justified in doing this because I'm an author avatar, I mean a victim! Anyone who says name-calling does not deserve death is just a bully as well!" She then licked blood off the pipe, not realizing that there are several blood-borne pathogens that she could contract in this sad attempt to look badass. Charlie ended up with hepatitis C."

On top of the aforementioned blood diseases, she could probably get sick from licking a pipe that is most likely rusted and probably had sewage water running through it.

Also was she and the bullies the only people in the school? Why didn't anybody stop this?

'''[A]fter she realised what she had done, ran away. She didn’t feel bad about this. Actually she was quite glad. She wanted to do it more.'''

Since no one else was at the school, Charlie ran away without anyone stopping her for her crimes or to ask her why she is leaving without a permission slip.

'''So Charlie went out. She killed more people just because she liked the feeling of knowing she wasn’t in fear any more.'''

I imagine she's just walking down a busy sidewalk swinging her knife back and forth, slashing random people while everyone simply stares at her, not even trying to stop her. Also, since when was she living in fear? We were told she was bullied, but that is not the same thing as living in fear.

Charlie was never a mean girl.

I don't know, maybe it's just me but ruining other peoples' lives by killing them and causing a lifetime of grief for their friends and family kind of sounds mean to me.

'''She had beautiful eyes, with brunette hair! But she started wearing really dark make up and died her hair black.'''

She was like sooooooo pretty u guize! She is like the sexiest thing ever and it burns my soul that only Jeff can have her! Why was everyone soooooo mean to this beauty?! It's not fair!

Also cliche transformation scene. This also makes me wonder, if everyone treats her so badly then who bought her the make up and dark hair. She was probably not only picked on for having a boy's name, but for being a total emo.

She’d read the ‘Jeff the Killer’ stories and looked further into this as Jeff was her inspiration.

Again, if she is abused then who bought her the computer to read said stories? I doubt the school has a library seeing as their budget is so small that they cannot afford walls thicker than a sheet of paper, proper plumming, or staff who should be around when their students are being murdered.

She went on and started doing what Jeff did!

But Jeff never wrote a shitty story about himself.

'''she use to say “Don’t go to sleep. I want you to feel the pain I went through!” Then she would pull out there guts and burn them in their own stomach acid. Watching as blood would fly every where.'''

Because she apparently lives in a town where there is no police, firearms, or home security.

Also that lame ass catchphrase is just an even shittier version than Jeff's.

Charlie became the talk of the town.

Ah yes, the talk of the town! The toast of Broadway! At last she has the popularity she deserves. Oh wait, you mean she became infamous? Well then, why is no one trying to stop her?

'''One day she went on a search for Jeff the Killer. She looked every where, hoping that one day they’ll meet.'''

I have a feeling the author of this story is looking for Jeff the Killer. Dumbass.

'''Charlie finally met Jeff. Jeff looked at her, he didn’t say a thing. His eyes where locked onto hers. He walked up to her and brushed her hair behind her ear and kissed her on the cheek.'''

He doesn't have lips so I imagine he just pressed his exposed teeth against her cheek, slightly knicking it.

'''Charlie blushed and questioned Jeff “Why do you like some one like me? I’m just a fat, ugly, whore!”'''

The sad part is that all of those things are probably true.

'''Jeff looked down at the floor and then looked up at Charlie again. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and you’re not fat, ugly or a whore,” Jeff spoke.'''

How would he know she is not a whore? Maybe she is fat and ugly and he knows she is not a whore because no one would ever want to sleep with her.

'''“Jeff, you don’t know what I’ve been through! All I do is push people away!” Charlie whimpered as tears started streaming down her face.'''

First off, they just met!

Second, you're right Charlie. Jeff will never know what you've been through. He had been bullied, abused, burnt, and disfigured but I supposed being called names and thrown in a locker is MUCH worse than all those things combined.

'''“My father left me after violently beating me and my mother. I don’t want to fall in love with you as then I’ll have to trust you and I don’t want to end up killing myself like my mother…”'''

Instead of expositing this to us, the author should have made these events actually take place within the story. Also, big shock, she was abused by a drunk father and her mother killed herself. Wow! That's NEVER been done in a Jeff spinpasta before.

Also she doesn't want to end up killing herself like her mother. If she is so happy why the fuck would she?

Her mother probably killed herself because her daughter writes shitty stories about a murderer she is in love with.

Also, who is Charlie's legal guardian? Is she in some third-world country where there is no police, no proper schools, and where orphans are left to just fend for themselves? If so, then maybe her and Jeff are the heroes by ending the miserable lives of the poor people who have to live there.

'''After being with each other for two years Jeff decided it was time that Charlie and him should get married. “Charlie?” Jeff lent down on one knee “Will you do me the honours of becoming my wife?”'''

Where did he get the ring at. Did Jeff, a wanted murderer, just casually walk into a jewlry store and buy this ring? I'm going to show this story some mercy and imagine he robbed a jewlry and killed everyone inside. It makes more since seeing as Jeff is only a teenager and obviously doesn't have a job.

Jeff opened up the case to see a gorgeous ring with little diamonds going round the edge.

I know everyone has their own tastes, but that ring sounds really ugly to me. Fuck Jeff and his poo-poo poor taste in jewlry!

Apparently, this dinky little thing is all Jeff could afford. You know what, he probably didn't even buy it, it was probably one of those decorative plastic rings that they put on top of cupcakes.

“YES!” Charlie squealed in joy “YES, I WILL MARRY YOU!” as tears of joy streamed down both of their face they went back home.'''

I bet she squealed. Squealed like a pig. Oink oink oink!

Also, how the hell does a jobless teenager afford a home? And what name does he sign on the rent under? Probably his own seeing as murder is legal in the town he lives in.

'''A week before the wedding Charlie sits down at the bottom of the bed and begins to cry. “What’s wrong?” Jeff curiously asks. “I’m pregnant!” Charlie cries. “What?” Jeff says surprisingly. “I’m 13 weeks pregnant! I was going to tell you before but I didn’t want to make a big fuss and then we loose it!” “Charlie! This is great news!”'''

I hope for that baby's sake she does "lose it." That poor child will have to suffer all sorts of things: its parents are criminals, it will probably get bullied in a cartoonish fashion because that apparently runs in the family, and it will be a character in a shitty OC story.

Thank you all for reading. If I am able to write another Ned's Nitpicks, I will be poking fun at Creepypastas that are considered good.