User blog:NedWolfkin/Ned's Nitpicks Volume 7: Good Creepypastas

Well everyone, here it finally is: my riffs on good Creepypastas.

Before I begin, I also want to make a note that I LOVE these Creepypastas. Some of them are the founding fathers of the Creepypasta genre, and without them we wouldn't have Creepypasta community, and by that extent we wouldn't have Trollpastas, and therefore this site wouldn't exist.

These stories can still be found on the CPW if anyone is interested in reading the non-riff versions.

Let's start with The Slender Man.

THE SLENDER MAN
I chose this one because it was literally the most accessible Slender Man story (I use the term story loosely because it is more of a bio page) that didn't suck. I haven't read too many outside of the original SomethingAwful thread, but the ones I have read on various Creepypasta sites just... yeah, sucked.

The Slender Man is an alleged paranormal figure [...] Believers in the Slender Man tie his appearances in with many other legends around the world, including; Fear Dubh (or, The Dark Man) in Scotland, the Dutch Takkenmann (Branch Man), and the German legend of Der Großmann or Der Grosse Mann (the Tall Man).

This is how I read it: Fear Dumb, Tekkenman, and That's Gross, Man! Also I'm glad they are wording this "The Slender Man" instead of "The Slenderman" because the latter sounds like a surname.

The Slender Man is a being [...] who looks like a man with extremely long, slender arms and legs.

I'm pretty sure someone who is immature makes jokes that his dick is long. Don't worry, I won't!

He also appears to have 4 to 8 long, black tentacles that protrude from his back

Great, tentacle porn!

He is described as wearing a black suit strikingly similar to the visage of the notorious Men In Black, and as the name suggests, appears very thin and able to stretch his limbs and torso to inhuman lengths in order to induce fear and ensnare his prey.

I wonder if he ever considered going into gymnastics. I imagine him competing in the olympics and becoming enraged because he didn't get a gold metal so he messed with the judges and the winner.

Whether he absorbs, kills, or merely takes his victims to an undisclosed location or dimension is also unknown as there are never any bodies or evidence left behind in his wake to deduce a definite conclusion.

I also wonder this: has he ever considered taking one his victims' faces since he doesn't have one of his own? Or possibly, to torment the family members of his victims, has he ever used their bodies as a puppet?

His face is pale and slightly ghostly, and almost appears to have been wrapped in a type of gauze or cloth.

At night it probably looks like his head is a floating snowball.

He sometimes is portrayed wears a hat, which is sometimes [...] a fedora

M'slender lady. Is he also obese and have a neckbeard?

'''His suit is black, sometimes portrayed as pinstripe in artwork, a common misconception thanks to the very similar Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas. He has long coattails which he lets flow proudly.'''

If it's a pinstripe, it's unlikely to have coattails. Cottails = formal, pinstripe = casual.

Often times it is either reported or recorded that he can be found in sections of woods, and these generally tend to be suburban.

There is something about this that I just love! I don't even know why.

'''He also has been reported seen with large groups of children, as many photographs portray. It is commonly thought that he resides in woods and forests and preys on children.'''

Pedobear.jpg

'''It is often thought as well that he enjoys stalking people who become overly paranoid about his existence, purposefully giving them glimpses of himself in order to further frighten them. For this reason, it seems like Slenderman very much enjoys psychologically torturing his victims.'''

I wonder if this is why ugly people aren't ashamed to show their faces.

'''Slendy has 3 or 4 known accomplices. These are Hoodie, Maskie, The Rake and possibly The Observer.'''

Or as I read it "Slendy has 3 or 4 known accomplices. These are shitty OC, shitty OC 2, The Rake, and a character based on him."

Renowned German woodcutter Hans Freckenberg created at least two woodcuts featuring a character he described as Der Ritter (The Knight) during the mid-sixteenth century that were discovered in Halstberg Castle in 1883.

Yep, Hans Fuckingberg made woodcuts of John Ritter.

'''He is only known to be seen in the woods and was used as a story that parents told their children to thwart bad behavior. There have been quite a few disappearances of children that have been said to be linked to the "Tree Man".'''

The Tree Man? From now on that's what I'm calling individual hippies.

BEN DROWNED
Okay, /x/, I need your help with this.

Going to 4chan for help. That sounds like a GREAT idea!

Jokes aside, those people are pretty smart, and you should be safe because you didn't post in /b/

This is not copypasta

Ow! The irony!

'''I recently moved into my dorm room starting as a Sophomore in college and a friend of mine gave me his old Nintendo 64 to play. I was stoked, to say the least'''

You'd better check it out, it might have something illegal like weed stashed in it somewhere.

That weekend I decided to drive around a few neighborhoods about twenty minutes or so off campus, hitting up the local garage sales

And thus one of many cliches were born.

'''I began to drive out of the neighborhood when one last house caught my attention. I still have no idea why it did, there were no cars there and only one table was set up with random junk on it, but something sort of drew me there.'''

Maybe because of how creepy it was? I don't know!

'''I was greeted by an old man. [... I] asked him if he had any old video games. I was already wondering how I could politely excuse myself from the situation when he would tell me he had no idea what a video game was, but to my surprise he said he had a few ones in an old box. He assured me he'd be back in a "jiffy" and turned to head back into the garage.'''

Yet another cliche was born.

'''I looked up and the old man was suddenly there again, [...] he handed me a Nintendo 64 cartridge. It was the standard grey color, except that someone had written Majora on it in black permanent marker.'''

One of the first things everyone pointed out about the cartridge is that Majora's Mask was never released on a gray cartridge, only a gold one.

'''The old man smiled at me and told me that I could have it for free, that it used to belong to a kid who was about my age that didn't live here anymore [...] I thanked the man and the man smiled at me and wished me well, saying "Goodbye then!" - at least that's what it sounded like to me.'''

I promise, none of this sounded cliche when this masterpiece was created!

'''All the way in the car-ride home, I had a nagging doubt that the man had said something else. My fears were confirmed when I booted up the game (to my surprise it worked just fine) and there was one save file named simply "BEN". "Goodbye Ben", he was saying "Goodbye Ben". I felt bad for the man, obviously a grandparent and obviously going senile, and I - for some reason or another - reminded him of his grandson "Ben".'''

If Ben is ugly then this was unintentionally an insult.

For such a shady looking game cartridge, I was impressed at how smoothly it ran - literally just like a retail copy of the game save for a few minor hiccups here and there (like textures being where they shouldn't be, random flashes of cutscenes at odd intervals, but nothing too bad).

Well then, it wasn't running smooth. YOU LIAR! Just kidding.

'''However the only thing that was a little unnerving was that at times the NPCs would call me "Link" and at other times they would call me "BEN". I figured it was just a bug'''

And yet another cliche is born. You see, when a story is good it will often be ripped off. This is no exception. Also, I wouldn't find it unnerving, either I would assume I accidentally chose Ben's file, or it would outright piss me off.

[A]fter I had beaten the Woodfall Temple that I regrettably went into the save files and deleted "BEN" (I had intended to preserve the file just out of respect of the game's original owner, it's not like I needed two files anyway), hoping that that would solve the problem.

Before deleting it I would have ran it into the ground and mockingly say "Boy, you suck, BEEEEENNNN!" every time I screw something up.

It did and it didn't, now NPCs wouldn't call me anything, where my name should be in the dialogue there was just a blank space

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

'''I started playing the game again last night, getting the Lens of Truth and working my way towards completing the Snowhead Temple. Now, some of you more hardcore Majora's Mask players know about the "4th Day" glitch [...] However, when I pressed B to exit the telescope, instead of being greeted by the astronomer I found myself in the Majora boss fight room at the end of the game (the trippy boxed in arena) staring at Skull Kid hovering above me.'''

Well that would ruin my day!

I was about to reach for the reset button when text appeared on my screen: "You're not sure why, but you apparently had a reservation…"

I wonder if this is a way of taunting Jadusable since "reservation" can also mean "misgiving."

'''[T]he screen faded to white, with the words "Dawn of a New Day" with the subtext "||||||||" beneath it. Where I was ported to filled me with the most intense sense of dread and impending fear I had ever experienced'''

A public bathroom?

'''I appeared in some kind of weird twilight-zone version of Clock Town. I walked out of the Clock Tower (as you normally do when you start from Day 1) only to find that all of the inhabitants were gone.'''

As with a lot of the videos included in this story, this can be done by a simple Gameshark code.

I had four hearts to my name and the Hero's Bow, but at this point I wasn't even considered for my avatar, I felt that I personally was in some kind of danger.

Maybe it's because you're supposed to be studying, but instead you're playing video games and you know what can happen if you fail?

Perhaps the most chilling thing was the music - it was the Song of Healing, ripped straight from the game itself, but played in reverse.

At least it wasn't "that creepy Caverns of Winter music from Earthbound."

'''Textures were missing, West Clock Town had me walking on air, the entire area felt... broken. Hopelessly broken.'''

This can be done with the same code.

As I walked through the ghost town, I don't know whether it was the combination of the out of place textures and the atmosphere and the haunting melody of the once peaceful and soothing song being butchered and distorted, but I was literally on the verge of tears and I had no idea why.

I would cry too if I was trying to play Majora's Mask but it was all messed up and unplayable!

I came up with the idea that maybe if I drowned myself at the Laundry Pool I could spawn somewhere else and leave this place.

Foreshadowing!

'''As I zoned in and ran towards the pool, that's when it happened. Link grabbed his head, and the screen flashed for a brief moment of the Happy Mask Salesman smiling at me - not Link - me'''

Well, obviously. If it cut to the Salesman and Link isn't in the room, naturally the former is going to be in dead center.

[W]hen the screen returned I was staring at the Link Statue from playing the song Elegy of Emptiness.

This is what I think about when I hear "BEN". Unfortunately, somewhere down the line the younger (read: JEFF FANS!) Creepypasta enthusiasts got the idea that Ben is an anime-esque version of Link, but with bloody, empty eye sockets.

'''I tried to shake the statue, but it would literally appear right behind me every single time [...] I ended up running into the Swordmaster's Dojo and ran to the back, [...] but as I turned to leave the statue cornered me in the cubby in the back. [...] '''

Funfact, this can also be done by a Gameshark code.

'''I hurriedly made my way out of the tunnel and appeared in Southern Clock Town. As I ran aimlessly - in a sheer panic - suddenly a redead screamed and the screen faded to black as "Dawn of a New Day" and "|||||||||" appeared again. The screen faded in and I was standing on top of Clock Tower with Skull Kid hovering over me [...] I was picked up off the ground, levitated upwards on my back, and then Link screamed as he burst into flames, instantly killing him.'''

This too can be done via a GS code. Also, that wouldn't horrify me, that would enrage me.

'''Upon getting back to the title screen and starting again, I noticed my save file was no longer there. Instead of "Link", it was replaced with "YOUR TURN".'''

This too would piss me off!

I drove back to the old man's house today to ask him some questions [...] only to find that there's a For Sale sign in the front yard and when I rang the door no one was home.

Maybe that's why he was having a garge sell, because he was moving.

'''As I was walking back to my car, the man next door mowing the grass killed the power to his lawnmower and asked me if I was looking for someone. I told him that I was looking to talk to the old man that lived here, to which he told me what I already knew - he was moving. Trying a different avenue, I asked if the old man had any family or relatives I could talk to. I discovered that this old man had never been married, nor did he have any children or grandchildren through adoption. Starting to become worried, I asked one final question, one that I should have asked from the beginning - who was Ben? The man's expression turned grim and I learned that four doors down around eight years ago on April 23 - the man informed me that it was the same day as his anniversary, that's how he knew the specific date - there was an accident with a young boy named Ben in the neighborhood. Shortly after his parents moved, and despite any further attempts to talk to the man to get more information, he wouldn't divulge anything else.'''

I wonder if it ever occoured to him to check a newspaper archive around that time, or try to get information elsewhere?

I went back and started playing again, I loaded up the game [...] the files "Your Turn" and "BEN" were displayed

tl;dr he tries Ben's file.

'''Immediately I was thrust into complete chaos. Sure enough, I was outside Stone Tower Temple, but that's about all that was expected. The zone itself wasn't called Stone Tower Temple, but rather "St o n e", and immediately a dialogue box of complete gibberish that I couldn't make out greeted me.'''

Another trick done by Gameshark!

Link's body was distorted - his back was cocked violently to the side where his posture was permanently disfigured.

The horror! Termina fields is deserted, meaning there is no chiropractor to fix his busted back! Also, GAMESHARK CODE!

Link's expression was dull, almost monotonous, he had an expression on his face that I didn't recognize before, it was a blank look - as if he was dead.

"As if he was dead." only on the inside!

I was cut into the "Dawn of a New Day" screen, except this time it was without the "||||||" subtext.

Maybe |||||| is a holiday in Termina, and everyone's gone because they're celebrating it with their families who live elsewhere.

I was a Deku Scrub in Clock Town [...] I was put back in control of my character, but from a fucked up camera angle

Fill in the blank G C---

'''I begrudgingly went inside the door. There, I was greeted by the Happy Mask Salesman who simply told me "You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?" before the screen whited out.'''

Wanting to play a good game like Majora's Mask only to have it be fucked up is a terrible fate I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. Though I would wish their houses burning down with their families perishing right in front of them, but that's a different story!

'''I was in Termina field as a human again. There were no enemies'''

That would actually be a good thing. One thing that pisses me off while playing this game (as well as OoT) is when I'm trying to do something and some asshole enemy distracts me. Fuck them!

'''I noticed a gathering of three figures off to the side - one of them being Epona. As I approached them, to my horror I saw the Happy Mask Salesman, the Skull Kid, and the Elegy of Emptiness statue just standing there.'''

Assholes!

a ear-piercing shriek blasted on my TV, the sky immediately started flashing, the Happy Mask Salesman's twisted theme song sped up, intensifying the fear inside me, and Link exploded into flames and died.

"a ear?" you forgot the n.

'''I had little time to ponder as I was immediately given another small cut-scene of transforming into a Zora and now I found myself in Great Temple Bay [...] where I found Epona. I wondered why the game had decided to put her here'''

Well, the only way to get to the bay is to ride her to jump past the fence, but whatevs.

'''I dove into Great Bay and started swimming. Sure enough - I almost missed it - I found something at the bottom of the ocean; one last Elegy of Emptiness statue. I went down to examine it and suddenly my Zora started doing a choking animation I had never seen a Zora do before - which didn't even make sense because Zora's can breath underwater. Regardless, my character choked to death and died, and again the statue was the only thing that was highlighted in my death. I didn't re-spawn this time, I was booted back to the main menu as if I restarted the console.'''

You know you've failed at life, Link when you transform into a fish and drown.

'''The two save files told me his fate. As I suspected, Ben was dead. He had drowned.'''

I don't feel sorry for him, he was probably a little asshole anyway.

'''My computer just... on its own... opened up a text document and wrote the words "Hi" and www.cleverbot.com by itself. What... the... fuck...'''

And unfortunately this started a trend for users who spammed the story's page on the CPW to the point where the administrators had to start issuing bans to anyone who posted them, and put a warning at the top of the page.

'''I'm beginning to see the Elegy statue randomly as I search the internet in places I shouldn't. Places where he shouldn't be - I'd be scrolling down and suddenly I'd be staring at a picture of the Elegy statue. Always the Elegy statue. I don't know how much more of this I can take.'''

If I recall correctly, if you went on the site it would install something to your computer that would make every image you see on the internet the statue. Nifty little trick that brought realism to the story.

'''The Moon Children appeared in my dreams last night, they lifted up their masks to reveal their hideously disfigured faces - maggots crawling out of their orifices, sunken black holes where their eyes should be, a yellow smile that slowly grew bigger and bigger as they came closer to me. They told me that they wanted to play. I tried to run from them - but the four children pinned me down to the ground with surprising strength. Over them stood the Happy Mask Salesman, announcing that he had a new mask that he wanted me to try. In his spaztic, sudden movements matching his in-game appearance, he took out a mask of modeled off of someone's face that I couldn't recognize - a younger looking face - and handed it to the Moon Children. Giggling, they latched it to my face; their horrible, broken bodies bouncing up and down. Two of them held me down while the other two began to sow the mask onto my face. [...] I couldn't wake up. I couldn't wake up. It wouldn't let me wake up until they had crafted me into another elegy statue.'''

MOTHERFUCKERS!

Now I'm positive of it, earlier I thought it was a weird coincidence, but just now I went to open my window, and three floors down at ground level I saw the old man.

He was holding a stereo above his head playing a love song in attempt to woo Ben back.

'''That's where my notes end. I fled my room, taking the cartridge with me.'''

Yeah, let's bring the thing that's stalking me home! Cool!

There are still some things about this whole experience that still don' t make sense

Like putting a space after an apostrophe.

This fifth day will be my last day, I'm going to burn the cartridge and then come back to destroy my laptop.

I kind of feel like this is a missed opportunity. He could have made this go on for only three days to coinside with how many days you get in Majora's Mask. Or possibly four days because this started when he tried to do the 4th Day Glitch.

Thanks Again, Jadusable '''...You shouldn't have done that, Matt. You shouldn't have done that....'''

It's like BEN invented a way to photobomb text.

EYELESS JACK
'''Hello, my name is Mitch. [...] A week after I moved in with my brother, Edwin [...] After that 1 week, I heard rustling noises coming from outside at about one in the morning. [...] The next night, however, I thought I heard my window opening and a loud thump, as if something entered my room. I darted up and looked around my room, but I saw nothing. The next morning, Edwin dropped his coffee cup when he saw me. He held up a nearby mirror and I saw myself. I had a large gash in my left cheek.'''

How did you not notice this yourself? Most people use the bathroom first thing after waking up. How did you not see yourself in the mirror? I don't know maybe he thought the mirror was just glitching up.

'''After I was rushed to the hospital, my doctor told me that I must have been sleepwalking, but then he showed me something that made my blood turn cold. He lifted up my shirt to reveal a sewn up incision where my kidneys were.'''

Apparently Mitch didn't use the bathroom or shower or else he would have noticed this. Also apparently he doesn't have any pain receptors. It is also kind of questionable how he can sleep through all this, yet is awoken by the slightest noises.

'''The next night was my breaking point. Around midnight, I woke up to see a truly horrifying sight. I was staring face to face with a creature with a black hoodie and dark blue mask with no nose or mouth staring down at me. The thing that scared me the most was that it had no eyes. Just empty, black sockets. The creature also had some black substance dripping from it’s sockets. I grabbed the camera nearby on a mantel and took a picture.'''

Your first intuition is to grab a phone instead of smack the fucker. Also, it was nice of him to stand still during the picture, did he remember to say cheese?

'''After the picture took, the creature lunged at me and tried to claw open my chest to get to my lungs. I stopped it by kicking it in the face. As I ran out of my room, I grabbed my wallet. I would need the money. I ran out of my brother’s house into the night. I eventually ended up in the woods near Edwin’s house and tripped on a rock.'''

You should have ran to the street where there could be passers-by or police to help you.

'''I fell unconscious and woke up in the hospital. My doctor entered the room. The same one who treated me before. “I have good news and bad news, Mitch.” my doctor started. “The good news is that you had minor injuries, and your parents are going to pick you up.” I sighed with relief. “The bad news is that your brother has been killed by some… thing. Sorry.”'''

Who saved him? And how does the doctor know something attacked him? And why isn't he too concerned about any of this?

'''My parents took me back to Edwin’s house to collect my remaining belongings, which I did. Upon entering my room, I was scared, but remained calm. I grabbed my camera then stopped dead in my tracks. In the hallway leading to my room, I saw Edwin’s body and something small lying next to it.'''

So the doctor and the parents know Edwin is dead, but nobody removed the body. What? And why is no law enforcement looking into this?

'''I picked up the small thing and entered my parent’s car, not mentioning Edwin’s corpse. I looked at the thing I had picked up and nearly vomited. I was holding my stolen half-eaten kidney, with some black substance on it.'''

And the story abruptly ends.

SQUIDWARD'S SUICIDE
I was an intern at Nickelodeon Studios

And a set-up cliche was born!

Me and two other interns were in the editing room along with the lead animators and sound editors for the final cut.

Speaking of "cuts", I'm going to do a jumpcut here to the episode itself. tl;dr joke titles, no one gave a damn about seeing the "Squidward's Suicide." title card.

'''The story began with Squidward practicing his clarinet, hitting a few sour notes like normal. We hear SpongeBob laughing outside and Squidward stops, yelling at him to keep it down as he has a concert that night and needs to practice. SpongeBob says okay and goes to see Sandy with Patrick. The bubbles splash screen comes up and we see the ending of Squidward's concert. This is when things began to seem off.'''

Things should have started to seem off at the title card that you thought was a joke.

'''While playing, a few frames repeat themselves, but the sound doesn't (at this point sound is synced up with animation, so, yes, that's not common) but when he stops playing, the sound finishes as if the skip never happened. There is slight murmuring in the crowd before they begin to boo him. Not normal cartoon booing that is common in the show, but you could very clearly hear malice in it. Squidward's in full frame and looks visibly afraid. The shot goes to the crowd, with SpongeBob in center frame, and he too is booing, very much unlike him.'''

SpongeBob booing Squidward sounds like something we would see in a YouTube Poop.

What is odd is everyone had hyper realistic eyes.

Another cliche is born!

since we weren't the writers, we didn't question its appeal to children yet.

Ok...

'''The shot goes to Squidward sitting on the edge of his bed, looking very forlorn. The view out of his porthole window is of a night sky so it isn't very long after the concert. [...] He put his hands (tentacles) over his eyes and cried quietly for a full minute more, all the while a sound in the background very slowly growing from nothing to barely audible. It sounded like a slight breeze through a forest. The screen slowly begins to zoom in on his face. [...] The screen then twitches a bit, as if it twists in on itself, for a split second then back to normal. The wind-through-the-trees sound gets slowly louder and more severe, as if a storm is brewing somewhere. The eerie part is this sound, and Squidward's sobbing, sounded real, as if the sound wasn't coming from the speakers but as if the speakers were holes the sound was coming through from the other side.'''

I really can't imagine what that would sound like, but alright!

'''After 30 seconds of this, the screen blurred and twitched violently and something flashed over the screen, as if a single frame was replaced. The lead animation editor paused and rewound frame by frame. What we saw was horrible. It was a still photo of a dead child.'''

When I read the parts where they see dead children I think of those shots from the 1960s stranger-danger PSA The Child Molestor where they show the dead little girls.

'''The most upsetting part was that there was a shadow of the photographer. There was no crime tape, no evidence tags or markers, and the angle was completely off for a shot designed to be evidence. It would seem the photographer was the person responsible for the child's death.'''

Aww man, he didn't record the best part: the actual murder itself! Anyway tl;dr more shots of dead kids.

'''Squidward was just staring at the viewer, full frame of the face, for about 3 seconds. The shot quickly panned out and that deep voice said "DO IT" and we see in Squidward's hands a shotgun. He immediately puts the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Realistic blood and brain matter splatters the wall behind him, and his bed, and he flies back with the force. The last 5 seconds of this episode show his body on the bed, on his side, one eye dangling on what's left of his head above the floor, staring blankly at it. Then the episode ends.'''

Come to think about it, this whole thing sounds like a YouTube Poop!

'''There was an investigation due to the nature of the photos, but nothing came of it. No child seen was identified and no clues were gathered from the data involved nor physical clues in the photos. I never believed in unexplainable phenomena before, but now that I have something happen and can't prove anything about it beyond anecdotal evidence, I think twice about things.'''

DA END!

POKEMON: CREEPY BLACK
I originally had Candle Cove here, but because of the whole copyright problem I thought it best not to include it. Sorry!

'''I’m what you could call a collector of bootleg Pokémon games. [...] but there’s one that I haven’t seen any mention of. I bought it at a flea market about five years ago.'''

Damn, I wish I could find something like this at a flea market. All I ever find is expensive jewlry and neat electronics sold for less than its value!

'''Unfortunately, when I moved two years ago, I lost the game, so I can’t provide you with screencaps. Sorry.'''

How convenient! Also, it wouldn't be too hard to photoshop images of an 8-bit black and white game so there is no excuse for this besides "I DIDN'T WANT TO!"

'''Upon selecting “New Game”, the game started the Professor Oak speech, and it quickly became evident that the game was essentially Pokémon Red Version. After selecting your starter, if you looked at your Pokémon, you had in addition to Bulbasaur, Charmander, or Squirtle another Pokémon — “GHOST”.'''

AWSOME!

It had one attack — “Curse”.

Is anyone else reminded of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode Love Mummy where the titular mummy says "CURSE! CURSE! CUUUUUUURRRRSE!"

'''Defending Pokémon were unable to attack Ghost — it would only say they were too scared to move. When the move “Curse” was used in battle, the screen would cut to black. The cry of the defending Pokémon would be heard, but it was distorted, played at a much lower pitch than normal. The battle screen would then reappear, and the defending Pokémon would be gone. If used in a battle against a trainer, when the Pokéballs representing their Pokemon would appear in the corner, they would have one fewer Pokéball. The implication was that the Pokémon died.'''

If I played this game and I unknowingly killed a Pokemon I would be bummed out and hate myself!

'''upon returning to the overworld, the trainer’s sprite would be gone. After leaving and reentering the area, the spot [where] the trainer had been would be replaced with a tombstone like the ones at Lavender Tower.'''

Apparently murder by animal is legal in Pokemon Land. Maybe the police are just afraid of the ghost so nobody dares say anything?

'''It would also fail if it was used against trainers that you would have to face again, such as your Rival or Giovanni. It was usable in your final battle against them, however.''

Huh. You know, I would play the game honestly, but if it was looking like I was about to lose a battle I would pull Ghost out and laugh at the winning bastard's screams!

'''After viewing the Hall of Fame, which consisted of Ghost and a couple of Pokemon I used for HM`s, the screen cut to black. A box appeared with the words “Many years later…” It then cut to Lavender Tower. An old man was standing, looking at tombstones. You then realized this man was your character.'''

And this is where the story turns depressing.

'''The man moved at only half of your normal walking speed. You no longer had any Pokémon with you, not even Ghost [...] there were no people at all. There were still the tombstones of the trainers that you used Curse on, however [...] Upon entering your house and going to the exact tile where you start the game, the screen would cut to black. [...] A few moments later, the battle screen suddenly appeared — your trainer sprite was now that of an old man, the same one as the one who teaches you how to catch Pokémon in Viridian City. Ghost appeared on the other side, along with the words “GHOST wants to fight!”.'''

Ok, and if you win you will kill me and I will become an even more powerful ghost and beat the shit out of you, you bastard!

'''You couldn’t use items, and you had no Pokémon. If you tried to run, you couldn’t escape. The only option was “FIGHT”.'''

Sometimes in life the only option is to fight. Sad, but true.

'''Eventually, when your HP reached a critical point, Ghost would finally use Curse. The screen cut to black a final time. Regardless of the buttons you pressed, you were permanently stuck in this black screen. At this point, the only thing you could do was turn the Game Boy off. When you played again, “NEW GAME” was the only option — the game had erased the file.'''

Well fuck!

'''It seems he was trying to convey a message; though it seems I am the sole receiver of this message. I’m not entirely sure what it was — the inevitability of death? The pointlessness of it? Perhaps he was simply trying to morbidly inject death and darkness into a children’s game. Regardless, this children’s game has made me think, and it has made me cry.'''

Maybe the message is "If you're an asshole the thing that made you an asshole will come back to bite you"?

DEAD BART
tl;dr Fox has "a weird way of counting Simpsons episodes", the main character hears of Dead Bart at a convention that makes David Silverman rage quit, and eventually he finds Matt Groening who writes down a website on a piece of paper and begs him never to mention it again. Ok, on to the episode itself.

'''I entered the address into my browser, and I came to a site that was completely black, except for a line of yellow text, a download link. I clicked on it, and a file started downloading. Once the file was downloaded, my computer went crazy, it was the worst virus I had ever seen. System restore didn't work, the entire computer had to be rebooted. Before doing this though, I copied the file onto a CD. I tried to open it on my now empty computer, and as I suspected, there was an episode of The Simpsons on it.'''

I don't know why but I imagine him just loading the video up from DOS without even bothering to reinstall Windows.

'''The episode started off like any other episode, but had very poor quality animation. If you've seen the original animation for Some Enchanted Evening, it was similar, but less stable. The first act was fairly normal, but the way the characters acted was a little off. Homer seemed angrier, Marge seemed depressed, Lisa seemed anxious, Bart seemed to have genuine anger and hatred for his parents.'''

I do wish the author would have went into more detail on this.

'''The episode was about the Simpsons going on a plane trip, near the end of the first act, the plane was taking off. Bart was fooling around, as you'd expect. However, as the plane was about 50 feet off the ground, Bart broke a window on the plane and was sucked out.'''

TV Tropes points out that it never mentions that it was the fall that killed him, which makes this even more intriguing. Though, I am sure that is what killed him.

The picture of Bart's corpse was barely recognizable, they took full advantage of it not having to move, and made an almost photo-realistic drawing of his dead body.

I have no comment on this, except that it sounds cool.

'''When act two started, Homer, Marge, and Lisa were sitting at their table, crying. The crying went on and on, it got more pained, and sounded more realistic, better acting than you would think possible. The animation started to decay even more as they cried, and you could hear murmuring in the background. The characters could barely be made out, they were stretching and blurring, they looked like deformed shadows with random bright colors thrown on them.'''

Maybe you should adjust the tracking on your VCR... Oh wait, this was downloaded! Fuck!

There were faces looking in the window, flashing in and out so you were never sure what they looked like.

That's actually kind of creepy; people in a deserted city looking in your window!

'''Act three opened with a title card saying one year had passed. Homer, Marge, and Lisa were skeletally thin, and still sitting at the table. There was no sign of Maggie or the pets.'''

THEY DIED OF NEGLECT!!!!

'''They decided to visit Bart's grave. Springfield was completely deserted, and as they walked to the cemetery the houses became more and more decrepit. They all looked abandoned. When they got to the grave, Bart's body was just lying in front of his tombstone, looking just like it did at the end of act one. The family started crying again. Eventually they stopped, and just stared at Bart's body. The camera zoomed in on Homer's face. According to summaries, Homer tells a joke at this part, but it isn't audible in the version I saw, you can't tell what Homer is saying.'''

For anyone interested the joke is him saying "If only we all were that lucky."

'''The view zoomed out as the episode came to a close. The tombstones in the background had the names of every Simpsons guest star on them. Some that no one had heard of in 1989, some that haven't been on the show yet. All of them had death dates on them. For guests who died since, like Michael Jackson and George Harrison, the dates were when they would die. The credits were completely silent, and seemed handwritten. The final image was the Simpson family on their couch, like in the intros, but all drawn in hyper realistic, lifeless style of Bart's corpse.'''

THEY DED!

'''A thought occurred to me after seeing the episode for the first time, you could try to use the tombstones to predict the death of living Simpsons guest stars, but there's something odd about most of the ones who haven't died yet. All of their deaths are listed as the same date.'''

By the way, the date was June 6, 2013.

GROCERY LIST
'''You get a phone call from your mother. Since her car has been in the shop, she asks you to go to the grocery store and pick up a few odds and ends for her. Bread, milk, cereal, and chicken breasts.'''

I wonder if she is going to pour milk on the chicken and coat it with cereal and bread crumbs and make a yummy dish.

'''After writing down a small list you reluctantly get in the car and pick up the items at the store. The lady cashier makes an odd remark to you. "You know, we're in no danger of a milk shortage."'''

There is if this asshole keeps buying it all!

'''Upon arriving at her house you knock several times. No answer. You decide to try the door. It opens. You place the grocery bag on the counter. Strange. There seems to be six other grocery bags, each with identical contents. In a couple, the chicken and the milk has gone bad. "Mom," you call out, but no answer. You make your way through the kitchen and into the living room. Sitting on the couch, with her head cut off and neatly resting on her lap, is your mother.'''

Geeze, Ma! Quit yelling at me for being so late, no reason to lose your head about it!

'''Naturally you call the police who come over to investigate. They mention that she has been dead for nearly a week. Furthermore, the police psychiatrist is at the scene and talks to you after you give your initial statement. Sitting on the front steps, you overhear the psychiatrist talking with the crime scene investigator. "It's not uncommon for people suffering from schizophrenia to get locked into a series of repetitive behaviors," he says.'''

And that ends this tail.

SUICIDEMOUSE.AVI
So do any of you remember those Mickey Mouse cartoons from the 1930s?

Yes, I do. I grew up in a time before the Disney Channel started to suck major balls and only play crap! I remember those shorts very well.

Well, I hear there is one that was unreleased to even the most avid classic Disney fans.

You're right, there is. And I'm not joking when I say this, either. One of the animators at Disney made a pornographic short about Mickey and Mini for Walt's birthday. Needless to say he was fired.

'''According to sources, it's nothing special. It's just a continuous loop (like Flintstones) of Mickey walking past six buildings that goes on for two or three minutes before fading out. Unlike the cutesy tunes put in though, the song on this cartoon was not a song at all, just a constant banging on a piano for a minute and a half before going to white noise for the remainder of the film.'''

Sounds like a test reel gone wrong.

It wasn't the jolly old Mickey we've come to love either, Mickey wasn't dancing, not even smiling, just kind of walking as if you or I were walking, with a normal facial expression, but for some reason his head tilted side to side as he kept this dismal look.

What's pissed you off so bad, Dickey Mouse!

'''Up until a year or two ago, everyone believed that after it cut to black and that was it. When Leonard Maltin was reviewing the cartoon to be put in the complete series, he decided it was too junk to be on the DVD, but wanted to have a digital copy due to the fact that it was a creation of Walt. When he had a digitized version up on his computer to look at the file, he noticed something. The cartoon was actually 9 minutes and 4 seconds long.'''

I'm sure somebody probably knew that, they were probably just bored as shit having to sit through minutes of the same crap!

'''After it cut to black, it stayed like that until the 6th minute, before going back into Mickey walking. The sound was different this time. It was a murmur. It wasn't a language, but more like a gurgled cry. As the noise got more indistinguishable and loud over the next minute, the picture began to get weird. The sidewalk started to go in directions that seemed impossible based on the physics of Mickeys walking. And the dismal face of the mouse was slowly curling into a smirk.'''

Sure, you're pissed when you're walking down a straight road, but when you're walking down a virtually melted path you're smiling. What a dick! I hope you get caught in a mousetrap!

''On the 7th minute, the murmur turned into a bloodcurdling scream [...] and the picture was getting more obscure. Colors were happening that shouldn't have been possible at the time. Mickey's face began to fall apart. his eyes rolled on the bottom of his chin like two marbles in a fishbowl, and his curled smile was pointing upward on the left side of his face. [...] This distorted screaming lasted until 8 minutes and a few seconds in, and then it abruptly cuts to the Mickey Mouse face at the credits of the end of every video with what sounded like a broken music box playing in the background. This happened for about 30 seconds, and whatever was in that remaining 30 seconds'''

STOPWATCH!

'''I haven't been able to get a sliver of information about. From a security guard working under me who was making rounds outside of that room, I was told that after the last frame, the employee stumbled out of the room with pale skin saying "Real suffering is not known" seven times before speedily taking the guard's pistol and offing himself on the spot.'''

If I had to sit through a boring short I would do the same.

'''the thing I could get out of Leonard Maltin was that the last frame was a piece of Russian text that roughly said "the sights of hell bring its viewers back in". As far as I know, no one else has seen it, but there have been dozens of attempts at getting the file on rapidshare by employees inside the studios, all of whom have been promptly terminated of their jobs. Whether it got online or not is up for debate, but if rumors serve me right, it's online somewhere under "suicidemouse.avi". If you ever find a copy of the film, I want you to never view it, and to contact me by phone immediately, regardless of the time. When a Disney Death is covered up as well as this, it means this has to be something huge. Get back at me, TR" I've yet to find a copy of this, but it is out there. I know it.'''

You can find it easily now that fans have created it.

SMILE.DOG
'''I first met in person with Mary E. in the summer of 2007. I had arranged with her husband of fifteen years, Terence'''

If you cut out what comes after this it sounds like a man pimping his wife out to a stranger over the internet.

'''to see her for an interview. Mary had initially agreed, [...] but at the last moment Mary changed her mind and locked herself in the couple's bedroom, refusing to meet with me. For half an hour I sat with Terence as we camped outside the bedroom door, I listening and taking notes while he attempted fruitlessly to calm his wife. The things Mary said made little sense but fit with the pattern I was expecting: though I could not see her, I could tell from her voice that she was crying, and more often than not her objections to speaking with me centered around an incoherent diatribe on her dreams — her nightmares. Terence apologized profusely when we ceased the exercise, and I did my best to take it in stride'''

I don't know who should be more embarrassed.

'''Mary E. was the sysop for a small Chicago-based Bulletin Board System in 1992 when she first encountered smile.jpg [...] she is the only one who has spoken openly about the experience. The rest have remained anonymous, or are perhaps dead. [...] It is also said that in the mid-to-late 90s that smile.jpg circulated on usenet and as an attachment of a chain email with the subject line "SMILE!! GOD LOVES YOU!" [...] Mary contacted me via email, however, near the beginning of March 2008.'''

'''Dear Mr. L., I am incredibly sorry about my behavior last summer when you came to interview me. [...] There is an ineffable quality about my dreams, my nightmares, that makes them completely unlike any real dreams I have ever had. I do not move and do not speak. I simply look ahead, and the only thing ahead of me is the scene from that horrible picture. I see the beckoning hand, and I see Smile.dog. It talks to me. It is not a dog, of course, though I am not quite sure what it really is. It tells me it will leave me alone if only I do as it asks. All I must do, it says, is "spread the word". [...]I thought for a long time about my options. I could show it to a stranger, a coworker… I could even show it to Terence, as much as the idea disgusted me.'''

Really? There's no one in your life you hate so much that you want to curse? Damn!

Terence contacted me later that month with the news that his wife had killed herself.

It had nothing to do with Smile.dog, it was because she couldn't stand that bastard Terrence any longer, but divorce wasn't an option because he could use her insanity against her to get full custody of the kids.

'''He'd found the diskette, he revealed, and burned it until it was nothing but a stinking pile of blackened plastic. The part that most disturbed him, however, was how the diskette had hissed as it melted. Like some sort of animal, he said.'''

Plot twist: there is no Smile.dog, there were poisonous spiders living inside the diskette who crawled in Mary's nose while she slept and their venom made her crazy!

Almost a full year after I'd returned from my disastrous interview with Mary E., I received another email: "Hello I found your e-mail adress thru a mailing list your profile said you are interested in smiledog. I have saw it it is not as bad as every one says I have sent it to you here. Just spreading the word. :) The final line chilled me to the bone.

He's not spreading the word of Smile.dog, he is a mormon trying to convince you to join the Latter Day Saints and he is spreading the Gospel.

'''According to my email client there was one file attachment called, naturally, smile.jpg. I considered downloading it for some time.'''

And the Darwin Award goes to...

''Could I spread the word? Yes. Yes I could.'''

You could also jump off a cliff, but that doesn't mean you should.

THE RUSSIAN SLEEP EXPERIMENT
Russian researchers in the late 1940s kept five people awake for fifteen days using an experimental gas based stimulant.

Sure they did something bad, but on the other hand they would have killed Hitler if he hadn't killed himself first.

'''Everything was fine for the first five days; the subjects hardly complained. [...] Their conversations and activities were monitored and it was noted that they continued to talk about increasingly traumatic incidents in their past'''

Plot twist: it wasn't the gas that turns them crazy, it's having to relive the horrors of their past!

'''After five days they started to complain about the circumstances and events that lead them to where they were and started to demonstrate severe paranoia. [...] After nine days the first of them started screaming. He ran the length of the chamber repeatedly yelling at the top of his lungs for 3 hours straight, he continued attempting to scream but was only able to produce occasional squeaks.'''

I would have punched his lights out for being an annoying twit!

On the morning of the 14th day the researchers did something they said they would not do to get a reaction from the captives, they used the intercom inside the chamber, hoping to provoke any response from the captives

I wonder if one of them pretended to make love to one of the prisoner's wives or say something funny to make them laugh.

They were afraid were either dead or vegetables.

Not vegetables as in "in a state of vegetation", we mean the researchers were afraid they had picked up actual vegetables who were disguised as humans!

They announced: "We are opening the chamber to test the microphones; step away from the door and lie flat on the floor or you will be shot. Compliance will earn one of you your immediate freedom. To their surprise they heard a single phrase in a calm voice response: "We no longer want to be freed."

That's it, time out mister!

'''The food rations past day 5 had not been so much as touched. There were chunks of meat from the dead test subject's thighs and chest stuffed into the drain in the center of the chamber, blocking the drain and allowing 4 inches of water to accumulate on the floor.'''

And nobody got the shit beaten out of them for doing any of this!

Anyway tl;dr VIOLENCE! GORE!

'''To everyone's surprise the test subjects put up a fierce fight in the process of being removed from the chamber. One of the Russian soldiers died from having his throat ripped out, another was gravely injured by having his testicles ripped off and an artery in his leg severed by one of the subject's teeth.'''

Gee, sounds like somebody went nuts!

'''The surviving three test subjects were heavily restrained and moved to a medical facility, the two with intact vocal cords continuously begging for the gas demanding to be kept awake [...] The only remaining subject that could speak started screaming to be sealed in now. His brainwaves showed the same flatlines as one who had just died from falling asleep. [...] He pointed his gun at the remaining subject, still restrained to a bed as the remaining members of the medical and research team fled the room. "I won't be locked in here with these things! Not with you!" he screamed at the man strapped to the table. "WHAT ARE YOU?" he demanded. "I must know!"'''

I'M BATMAN!

'''The subject smiled. "Have you forgotten so easily?" The subject asked. "We are you. We are the madness that lurks within you all, begging to be free at every moment in your deepest animal mind. We are what you hide from in your beds every night. We are what you sedate into silence and paralysis when you go to the nocturnal haven where we cannot tread." The researcher paused. Then aimed at the subject's heart and fired. The EEG flatlined as the subject weakly choked out, "So... nearly... free..."'''

Yes I know I cut a good bit out of this one, but like BEN this one was too long to do a thorough riff.

LAVENDER TOWN SYNDROME
The phenomenon of the Lavender Town Tone is a legend that involves a bizarre spate of medical cases and deaths from around the country that have been connected to the Pocket Monsters (Pokémon) game series, in particular the first two games of the series, Red and Green

Green, the color of the original Gameboy's screen.

The predominant symptoms related to what would become known as the "Lavender Town Tone" included headaches and migraines, bleeding from eyes and ears, mood swings and irritability, addiction to the games, unprovoked violence, withdrawal and unresponsiveness, and in approximately 67% of cases, suicidal tendencies.

Like any other video game.

However, these symptoms only manifested in children between the ages of 7 and 12 years old who had reached the area in game known as "Lavender Town", most of whom were revealed to have been wearing headphones or earphones while playing the game.

If I had to listen to a Gameboy's music with headphones I would become violent too.

'''What Seki failed to disclose to Game's Dimensions Magazine was that the music used in the first-wave release of Pocket Monsters Red and Green was formulated out of an experiment in "binaural beats": using slightly different frequencies of sound, each frequency played in one ear through earphones or headphones, various psychological effects can be induced upon the listener. In most versions of the first wave releases, this resulted in the player feeling uneasy, apprehensive, and mildly disturbed. However, for upwards of two-hundred children, it provoked a variety of disturbances in the brain that went undetected purely because it was undetectable by fully developed human ears; instead, only children fell victim to the tones, resulting in psychological and physiological problems that in some cases led to death—many of which were suicides.'''

Nah, it probably wasn't the beats. They probably thought the music sucked and would rather kill themselves than have to risk ever hearing it again.

'''These visual effects are known among programming circles as "The White Hand Sprite", the "Ghost Animation", and the "Buried Alive Model". Each has been found to cause headaches, nausea, and in severe cases, hemorrhaging of the brain and lungs.'''

Because pictures can do that, apparently.

'''The White Hand Sprite, known in the code as WhitHand.gif, this was scripted to appear as a Pokémon on the third floor of the Lavender Tower. It is divided into four separate animations: an introduction (the "cry" a Pokémon unleashes before a battle), an idle, and two attacks. These attacks are unknown, as they are listed simply as "Fist" and "Brutal".'''

Brutal fisting.

'''The White Hand is depicted as a shriveled, slightly decayed hand, with surprising attention to detail: flesh is peeling back from the bone, and several tendons dangle realistically out of the wrist. The first attack is the hand balling into a fist, then swinging forward. However, the "brutal" animation is missing several frames: The hand seems to open up, then cuts out. After a few seconds, it reappears, closed again. No record has been found of these missing frames.'''

Yet somehow we know what it looks like. We're just that awsome!

'''The ghost animation as well must be viewed in individual frames. It is comprised of 59 frames total.'''

Damn, if it was ten more I could make a childish joke.

However, interspersed with these bursts of static are several frames of screaming faces, along with images of a skeletal man in a cloak (hypothesized to be the Grim Reaper) and of several killed corpses.

Killed corpses? But I prefer my corpses still alive!

'''Often referred to as its code, the Buryman script, the Buried Alive Model was to be found on the final story of the Pokémon Tower, in what has now been replaced with the Marowak ghost. According to the scripts assigned to it, the Buried Alive model was intended to be the "boss" of the tower. [... U]pon losing the battle. In this ending, the Buried Alive was to have stated, "Finally, fresh meat!" followed by several lines of gibberish. He was to have then dragged the player character into the ground surrounding him. The scene would finish with a typical "Game Over" screen; however, in the background, an image of the Buried Alive character devouring the player was to have been shown. Especially strange are the protocols for after this scene. The cartridge was to download this image to the small internal memory contained in the Game Boy, overwriting the title screen that normally accompanied a Game Boy turning on. Instead, whenever it was started, the player would view this image as the sound file staticmesh.wav was played. The intended purpose for this effect, unlike many of the other factors leading towards LTS, is unknown.'''

That would piss me off!

THE RAKE
'''During the summer of 2003, events in the northeastern United States involving a strange, humanlike creature sparked brief local media interest before an apparent blackout was enacted. Little or no information was left intact, as most online and written accounts of the creature were mysteriously destroyed.'''

THEY'RE HIDING IT FROM US!

"Three years ago, I had just returned from a trip from Niagara Falls with my family for the 4th of July. We were all very exhausted after a long day of driving, so my husband and I put the kids right to bed and called it a night.

Yeah, let's go to Canada for the 4th of July! Oooh, and while we're at it, let's put up the Christmas tree on Easter!

'''At about 4am, I woke up thinking my husband had gotten up to use the restroom. I used the moment to steal back the sheets, only to wake him in the process. I appologized and told him I though he got out of bed. When he turned to face me, he gasped and pulled his feet up from the end of the bed so quickly his knee almost knocked me out of the bed. He then grabbed me and said nothing. After adjusting to the dark for a half second, I was able to see what caused the strange reaction. At the foot of the bed, sitting and facing away from us, there was what appeared to be a naked man'''

Oooh, a naked man? Sounds like the Tooth Fairy was good to someone! (Yes I did steal that joke from South Park)

"I KNEW IT, YOU ARE SEEING OTHER MEN!" the husband would say if this wasn't serious.

'''In a flurry of motion, the creature scrambled around the side of the bed, and then crawled quickly in a flailing sort of motion right along the bed until it was less than a foot from my husband's face. The creature was completely silent for about 30 seconds (or probably closer to 5, it just seemed like a while)'''

My stopwatch said 30 seconds, but I think it was broken so it might have actually been five.

'''The creature then placed its hand on his knee and ran into the hallway, leading to the kids' rooms.I screamed and ran for the lightswitch, planning to stop him before he hurt my children. When I got to the hallway, the light from the bedroom was enough to see it crouching and hunched over about 20 feet away. He turned around and looked directly at me, covered in blood. I flipped the switch on the wall and saw my daughter Clara.'''

What about the other child?! What were they doing while all this was going on?

'''The creature ran down the stairs while my husband and I rushed to help our daughter. She was very badly injured and spoke only once more in her short life. She said "he is the Rake". My husband drove his car into a lake that night, while rushing our daughter to the hospital. They did not survive.'''

Damn, I knew it was too much good luck to find a naked man on my bed!

'''Being a small town, news got around pretty quickly. The police were helpful at first, and the local newspaper took a lot of interest as well. However, the story was never published and the local television news never followed up either.'''

It's not because of a cover up, it's because no one gives a fuck and only appeased you to shut you up.

For several months, my son Justin and I stayed in a hotel near my parent's house.

Why not just stay at your parents' house?

I eventually located a man in the next town over who had a similar story.

If this was written now, this would probably bloom into a cliched romance.

I set up a digital recorder near my bed

Not because of the Rake, I just like to watch recordings of me "entertaining" strange men.

'''On the first day of the third week, I thought I heard something different. What I found was a shrill voice. It was the Rake. I can't listen to it long enough to even begin to transcribe it. I haven't let anyone listen to it yet. All I know is that I've heard it before, and I now believe that it spoke when it was sitting in front of my husband. I don't remember hearing anything at the time, but for some reason, the voice on the recorder immediately brings me back to that moment. The thoughts that must have gone through my daughter's head make me very upset. I have not seen the Rake since he ruined my life, but I know that he has been in my room while I slept. I know and fear that one night I'll wake up to see him staring at me.'''

And then what will you do? Huh? You ain't gonna do nuffin'!

THE THEATER
'''The Theater was an old game released around the same time as Doom. Today, if you ever find it, it’s only available on crappy bootleg CD-ROMs, which, more often than not, don’t even actually contain the game.'''

Instead they contain a Rickroll video, converted to every known video format.

'''Upon proper installation, the game then starts up without any introduction besides a main menu that is simply the sprite of a movie theater’s exterior on an empty city street. The title fades in and then the 3 menu buttons ‘NEW GAME, LOAD, OPTIONS’. Selecting OPTIONS immediately crashes the game to the desktop. LOAD is said not to function at all. Even if you do have a saved game, nothing happens when you press it. Thus, NEW GAME is the only working menu option.'''

Did you try using a computer from around the time this game was made? That will either solve the problem, or is the cause of it.

'''Once it is selected you are in the first person view. You are standing in an empty movie theater lobby, with the exception of the Ticket-Taker standing in front of a dark hallway which one can only assume leads to the theaters themselves. There’s nothing to do but look at the poorly-drawn, mostly illegible movie posters or approach the Ticket-Taker. Once the player moves towards the Ticket-Taker a very low-quality sound clip plays saying “THANK YOU, PLEASE ENJOY THE MOVIE” along with a speechbox saying the same thing. You then walk into the hallway and the screen fades to black and you’re back in the empty lobby and you do the exact thing again and again and again.'''

Maybe this is a metaphor for how repetitive life is?

'''The number of times that you have to continue into the hall after giving your ticket to the Ticket-Taker before the strange events happen is unknown. Most state that it’s completely random and could take anywhere from the first playthrough to the four hundredth. What happens, though, has deeply disturbed some players. The first occurrence is when the player fades back in after walking into the hallway. This time they will notice the Ticket-Taker is completely absent. The player then, without any other options, decides to walk into the dark hallway. The sound clip and text box mentioned previously still play in the absence of the Ticket-Taker, but when the player walks into the hallways the screen does not fade out. It goes pitch black as they walk deeper into the hall, but the player’s footstep sound clip is still playing as they continue to push the up button on their keyboard.'''

What happens if they press the down key?

Those claiming to have played the original game report to have felt extremely uncomfortable walking down the hallway, anticipating the whole way something horrible happening.

Probably dreading the repetitiveness of having to do this all over again.

'''Well, eventually the player is unable to move forward. There is nothing for a few moments before a strange sprite that is described as ‘the Ticket-Taker but with a swirl for a face’ appears and stands before the player.'''

Bastard!

'''The original players of the game say their bodies immediately froze up and their stomachs churned they saw this sprite (which has been appropriately named the ‘Swirly Head Man’). Nothing happens as the Swirly Head Man stands before them. Then suddenly a piercing screech plays as the game glitches out. This lasts for a few minutes, with the screeching being continuous. Then the player is abruptly returned to the lobby with all the sounds and graphics being as they should be. The game continues normally for the next couple of ‘cycles’ of entering the hallway, with a couple of the original players claiming the Swirly Head Man would briefly appear and disappear in the corner of the screen as a brisk ‘yelp’ sound effect plays.'''

That sounds annoying!

Then, at some point after meeting the Swirly Head Man, the player sees the Ticket-Taker pacing back and forth (though there is no walking animation - the sprite’s limbs are completely static, so he just hops up and down slightly as a substitute) with his eyes being wide and his mouth open to simulate a worried facial expression.

Sounds like someone escaped the special school.

Due to the extremely low quality of the sound, it is debated by players what exactly the Ticket-Taker says at this point, though it is widely agreed that he says ‘NEVER REACH THE OTHER LEVELS’.

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

'''No one knows what the ‘Other Levels’ are or how to gain access to them, nor is it known why the Swirly Head Man causes such acute fear in those who have seen him in the game. All the original copies of The Theater have either been lost or destroyed. But the creepiest part is the fact that is that all the original players of the game claim to occasionally see a brief glimpse of the Swirly Head Man out of the corner of their eyes...'''

Probably going crazy from having to play a shitty game.

BARBIE.AVI
So I partied a little too hard that night and decided to crash on a couch at the loft.

That paints a pleasant picture of you. I'm sure your mother is proud!

'''A crashing noise outside woke me up. It wasn’t loud, but just enough to snap me into reality. I looked out the window and scanned the area, but didn’t see anything. Across the street from the loft near a mountain of garbage bags and one of those enormous dumpsters I see a computer and a monitor smashed against the floor that hadn’t been there before.'''

Maybe it was an HP computer and the person who was discarding it threw it away because they suck ass!

'''When my girlfriend arrived I went downstairs and greeted her. Just as I was about to get in the car, I remembered a friend of mine who had blown out his power supply. So I decided to walk over to the dumpster and see what I could salvage. The monitor was worthless, but the tower seemed to have suffered almost no damage, so I put it in the trunk and we drove off.'''

Woah, woah, woah! I said I would give you a ride, not haul garbage for you!

'''Before I took it apart I decided to hook it up to my monitor to see if it still ran, and to my surprise it did. It ran Windows XP and it looked like it had been wiped clean. [...] I searched for movies and one file came up. It was an .avi inside a folder titled “barbie” hidden in the WINDOWS/system32 directory.'''

No, I didn't censor the perverted part, I just cut it out because it took up too much space.

'''So I played it, now this is where it gets disturbing. [...] The footage was of this woman sitting on a chair and talking against a white backdrop.'''

Actually, it is a brownish-color but, sure, why not?

'''I began to really pay attention to her face and body language. It seems that she's being asked some kind of questions, because she stops at times to listen, and then continues talking. About 15 minutes into the footage, her face begins to redden and contort as if the questions are bothering her… But she continues to answer them anyway. Shortly after she begins to cry. She sobs hysterically for the duration of the film. One of the few words I could lip-read was “skin”. She repeats this word many times throughout the footage and at one point she even pulls at the skin from her arm and mouths the word. She seems to be unhappy with her skin.'''

4chan actually solved this: she is missing one of her arms and in one of the videos the word BIID comes on the screen.

'''The footage was extremely shaky, almost unwatchable, and depicted a pair of legs walking along train tracks. my guess is that camera was accidentally left on as it was being carried somewhere. The person in this footage walks along the train tracks for about 6 minutes and then turns into the forest and walks over what looked like foliage flattened by a piece of plywood. The person continues on this makeshift plywood road until the movie clip ends. Now my heart started beating with excitement because there were train tracks a few miles away that looked very similar to the one in the video. I had to check this out.'''

Yeah, there's no way this could go wrong!

'''The next morning on a sunny Saturday, I took my flashlight, my camera, and my 7 inch ka-bar [...] I parked my car at the train station, took my stuff, and hopped onto the tracks. After walking for about two hours,'''

... A train came my way and flatened me. I survived, but none of the passengers wanted to help me because I stopped their train which made them late for work.

'''I saw a broken piece of plywood and my knees almost buckled with excitement. I searched the nearby foliage, and there it was: a little plywood trail leading into the forest. [...] The dense tree line gave way into a little island of grassy field, and then I saw it, a house being consumed by the forest. [...] It took me a while to muster the courage to up to the house. The door was partly opened. I pushed it in with the flashlight and was relieved that the inside was actually very well-lit.'''

Then I got shot for tresspassing.

'''The first thing that seemed a little odd was that one of the doors in the first room, that I presumed led to the basement, seemed a little too new to be in this house. It was also the only door in the house that was locked. Also, when I made my way up to the second floor, I saw some chairs and a fold-up table that also seemed a little too new to be there. But what disturbed me the most for some reason, was the bathroom. The dust on the mirror had been wiped away, and in the bathtub, I saw a clear plastic tarp that still had water droplets on it from, when I presume, it was washed clean. That’s when I heard something moan really loud, and that’s when I jumped the fuck out of the second story window and ran back to the tracks. Halfway there I realized the moaning was most likely a water pipe expanding or contracting, and that little moment of relief gave into the horror which I felt when I wondered why the water would be running on an abandoned house in the middle of the fucking woods. It's been a little more than 2 months since this happened and I haven’t gone back there, nor do I plan to.'''

TEH EDN!

MR. WIDEMOUTH
'''We were living in a house just outside the bustling metropolis of New Vineyard, Maine, population 643. [...] I came down with a fever. The doctor said I had mononucleosis, which meant no rough play and more fever for at least another three weeks. [...] I don’t exactly recall how I met Mr. Widemouth. I think it was about a week after I was diagnosed with mono. My first memory of the small creature was asking him if he had a name. He told me to call him Mr. Widemouth, because his mouth was large. In fact, everything about him was large in comparison to his body– his head, his eyes, his crooked ears– but his mouth was by far the largest.'''

I don't know why, but every time I read this I imagine Mr. Widemouth is Koosalagoopagoop from Dexter's Laboratory.

'''I remember Mr. Widemouth disappearing every time my mother stopped by to check in on me. [...] After my mother delivered more books and soda at the usual time, Mr. Widemouth slipped out from under the bed and tugged my hand. “We have to go the the room at the end of this hallway,” he said. I objected at first, as my parents had forbidden me to leave my bed without their permission, but Mr. Widemouth persisted until I gave in.'''

No, I totally was NOT inticipating the main character to be kidnapped!

'''The room in question had no furniture or wallpaper. Its only distinguishing feature was a window opposite the doorway. Mr. Widemouth darted across the room and gave the window a firm push, flinging it open. He then beckoned me to look out at the ground below. “I like to play pretend up here,” Mr. Widemouth explained. “I pretend that there is a big, soft trampoline below this window, and I jump. If you pretend hard enough you bounce back up like a feather. I want you to try.” [...] I toyed with the idea, picturing myself falling through thin air only to bounce back to the window on something unseen by human eyes. But the realist in me prevailed. “Maybe some other time,” I said. “I don’t know if I have enough imagination. I could get hurt.” Mr. Widemouth’s face contorted into a snarl, but only for a moment. Anger gave way to disappointment. “If you say so,” he said. He spent the rest of the day under my bed, quiet as a mouse.'''

You can't not laugh at this!

'''The following morning Mr. Widemouth arrived holding a small box. “I want to teach you how to juggle,” he said. “Here are some things you can use to practice, before I start giving you lessons.” I looked in the box. It was full of knives [...] I pushed the box away. “I can’t. I’ll get in trouble. Knives aren’t safe to just throw in the air.” Mr. Widemouth’s frown deepened into a scowl. He took the box of knives and slid under my bed, remaining there the rest of the day. I began to wonder how often he was under me.'''

I would have taken one of the knives and stabbed him in the throat with it. Seeing as you're a child and he's a strange adult in your house, you probably wouldn't get into trouble for it.

'''My mother came to me one morning and told me I had her permission to walk around outside. She thought the fresh air would be good for me, especially after being confined to my room for so long. Ecstatic, I put on my sneakers and trotted out to the back porch, yearning for the feeling of sun on my face. Mr. Widemouth was waiting for me. “I have something I want you to see,” he said. I must have given him a weird look, because he then said, “It’s safe, I promise.”'''

You should have shouted "STRANGER DANGER!", and see if he gets in trouble.

'''I followed him to the beginning of a deer trail which ran through the woods behind the house. “This is an important path,” he explained. “I’ve had a lot of friends about your age. When they were ready, I took them down this path, to a special place. You aren’t ready yet, but one day, I hope to take you there.”'''

It's probably a wedding chapel! Pedophile!

'''Two weeks after I met Mr. Widemouth, the last load of our things had been packed into a moving truck. [...] My father and I were in the truck at 4 a.m. He was hoping to make it to Pennsylvania by lunch time tomorrow with the help of an endless supply of coffee and a six-pack of energy drinks.'''

Nope. If he's going to drink a lot of coffee and energy drinks he's going to have a heart attack and die before you get there. If not, then he'll probably have to make extra bathroom stops.

'''I opened my eyes as we backed out of the driveway. I saw Mr. Widemouth’s silhouette in my bedroom window. He stood motionless until the truck was about to turn onto the main road. He gave a pitiful little wave good-bye, steak knife in hand. I didn’t wave back.'''

Yeah, fuck you, Mr. Wideass!

'''Years later, I returned to New Vineyard. The piece of land our house stood upon was empty except for the foundation, as the house burned down a few years after my family left. Out of curiosity, I followed the deer trail that Mr. Widemouth had shown me. Part of me expected him to jump out from behind a tree and scare the living bejeesus out of me, but I felt that Mr. Widemouth was gone, somehow tied to the house that no longer existed. The trail ended at the New Vineyard Memorial Cemetery. I noticed that many of the tombstones belonged to children.'''

But mostly they belonged to adults.

HEROBRINE
'''I had recently spawned a new world in single-player Minecraft. [...] I noticed something move amongst the dense fog [...] I thought it was a cow'''

If it looked like a cow it must have been your mother!

'''It wasn't a cow though. Looking back at me was another character with the default skin, but his eyes were empty. I saw no name pop up, and I double-checked to make sure I wasn't in multiplayer mode. He didn't stay long, he looked at me and quickly ran into the fog. I purused out of curiousity, but he was gone [...] As I expanded to world I saw things that seemed out of place for the random map generator to make; 2x2 tunnels in the rocks, small perfect pyramids made of sand in the ocean, and groves of trees with all their leaves cut off.'''

Man, you high as fuck!

'''I saved the map and went on the forums to see if anyone else had found the pseudo-player. There were none. I created my own topic telling of the man and asking if anyone had a similar experience. The post was deleted within five minutes. I tried again, and the topic was deleted even faster. I received a PM from username 'Herobrine' containing one word: 'Stop.

NO, U!

When I went to look at Herobrine's profile, the page 404'd.

Did you try refreshing the page? I doubt it!

'''Some of the people who had encountered the mystery man had looked into the name Herobrine and found that name to be frequently used by a swedish gamer. After some further information gathering, it was revealed to be the brother of Notch, the game's developer.'''

The sooper spoopy part is that Notch never had brother!

'''I personally emailed Notch, and asked him if he had a brother. It took him a while, but he emailed me back a very short message. "I did, but he is no longer with us."'''

He went to summer camp, but he will be back in fall. Would you like to leave a message?

I haven't seen the mystery man since our first encounter, and I haven't noticed any changes to the world other than my own.

But then I remembered that my world is the only one I visited. Hmmm...

B.O.B. (Brutal Obscene Beast)
'''Andrew woke up with a start, he knew what had happened and his heart sunk, the sound of the glass shattering downstairs had done the same to his nerves. It had come in. After weeks of watching and stalking him the creature had finally decided to break in. The padio doors, made completely of glass, provided it with the perfect entrance.'''

The perfect entrance would have been if he didn't wake his victim.

'''The terrifying cracking of glass under its feet confirmed to his worst fear, it had finally made its way into his home. With this crushing realisation Andrew, now shaking, grabbed his titanium baseball bat and crept downstairs [...] The Creature stepped into the doorway to the stairs, Andrew was hidden just to the left. He swung at fall force, hitting The Creature in the chest with the bat. The Creature staggered back, then stopped and looked at Andrew, its tiny wild eyes staring into Andrews soul.'''

Uh-oh! You're in trouble...!

'''Andrew felt a deep fear of The Creature unlike anything he had ever experienced. The Creature then let out a gurgled hiss at Andrew, baring all of its sickening deformed teeth in the process. The Creature kicked Andrew in the gut [...] he walked towards him and looked down at Andrew as if it were judging him, lying there, helpless.'''

It turns out the monster is just a boot camp instructor come to harangue Andrew about not being able to take a simple kick to the stomach. "GET UP YOU PANSY!"

'''The Creature stamped on his shin, snapping the bone. [...] The Creature placed its foot on Andrews stomach, pressing down, ripping into his flesh with it’s long dirty toenails.'''

If this doesn't kill him the infection will.

'''With The Creature’s foot now completely inside his stomach, Andrew started to cough blood. [...] He passed out from the pain, and then passed away. The Creature loomed over what was by now his bloody corpse. [...] The creature continued to tear and eviscerate Andrews corpse until everything the creature could stomach had been devoured. The Creature then left….Calmly. Silently. With a pure and deep hatred in its heart. The Creature left, the same way it came in.'''

If I broke into someone else's home I would steal stuff before leaving! Stupid monster.

Well, that's a wrap! I hope everyone enjoyed reading this! If you haven't read them yet, you can find the other installments here

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!