User blog:NedWolfkin/Ned's Nitpicks Volume 1: Sonic.exe fan remake.

Hello everybody. I'm starting a new series of blogs in which I tear apart the bad Creepypastas that end up on this site. This is something I have been considering doing for a while and finally decided to just do it.

In case anyone is wondering, yes I did already upload this but took it down a few times because I wanted to improve it. I also renamed this to Ned's Nitpicks just because I thought it sounded better.

Today I'm going to be tearing into A Sonic.exe remake, also known as Sonic.exe fan remake because I don't want people to confuse it with the actual remake by everyone's favorite author J.C. the Hyena.

I'm going to start this by saying Jesus Christ! This story is so fucking horrible! It's even worse than the original. It literally enraged me to the point where I am now considering putting up a Fail of the Year on the main page just to shame this piece of shit for its crimes against  humanity, comitted simply by existing. The plot, tense swaps, and spelling are worse than anything that J.C. the LOLCOW would ever be (in)capable of.

Instead of summarizing the story, I'm going to use bits of it. The fragments from the actual story are in bold while my comments are not.

I recently searched this broken down old house.

Yeah, so for no reason that is ever explained to us he is just looking up this old house.

'''So I decided To go to this place with a friend of mine. Her Name was Olivia. She However never believed in the paranormal. In my head I always thought She thinks on lines of “Ghosts are bullshit,Democratic Demons to”.'''

As opposed to fascist demons I suppose.

'''Tho, She does love Sonic The Hedgehog. I wished She would love me like that. [...] Olivia come to me and asked what I was looking at. I never asked her, I just kept reading the description of the house.'''

Maybe she doesn't love you that much because you ignore her. Ever think of that? Also "Tho"?

Then at that moment I knew that my body was free!.

Is this an implication that the author was in some sort of trance? If so that sounds like it was ripped from the NES Godzilla creepypasta.

'''Olivia knew something was wrong as she looked deeply into my eyes. “We are going to that place” she said still staring at me. Olivia got in the car [...] I got in the car. The drive was 1 hour and 27 mins long.'''

Either this is a reference to the "stopwatch" cliche (in which authors give overly specific amounts of time of something happening) or it is played straight.

'''AFTER That, We made it to the house. Surprisingly The house was still in shape after the flames. [...] I saw a Television Still on. I wonder to myself how long that Television was on for. It had a blue hedgehog on there [...] [h] is Gloves were covered in erythrocyte.'''

Either the author thought they were sounding smart by saying "erythrocyte" or they were just trying to be able to say that they didn't use the word "blood".

'''I saw a little kid’s room. It had Sonic merchandise Everywhere. On the desk there was a erythrocytly Sonic Plushy. [...] [T]he plushy was sitting on a disc. I lifted up the Plushy and had a look at the Words on the disc it said “Sonic.EXE” in black Marker.'''

Yep, the plushie and the Sonic.exe disk from the original.

'''I saw Olivia having a looker as I was doing Just before. I walked up to her and showed her the disc. She covered Her mouth with her hands as if she was scared? [...] “ You have no God damn idea what happened to this house do you!” She said Madly. Josh stood back a little.'''

Seeing as the author's name is Joshua, this pretty much serves as confirmation that it is a self-insert story. Usually people rewrite Jeff the Killer with themselves as the anti-hero. The author of this story has rewritten Sonic.exe and inserted himself in the place of Tom.

Then Olivia snatched the disc from my hand.

I hope that's the only thing she had to snatch from your hand you little pervert.

Then bent the disc and Then the disc SNAPPED Into small bits and threw them to the ground.

I suppose that this is the author's way of dodging the question as to why someone would put a strange disk into their computer.

'''The Sonic On The Television turned around and pointed at The Sega Genesis below. There was Sonic.Exe cartridge. [...] I sat back down and then I was about to grab the remote.I heard a Voice “There is no need for that remote” As The Dark Hedgehog slowly turned to Face me.'''

Now that's just funny. It reminds me of the Broodwich episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

'''Olivia Walked over to the couch and looks at the Television Then looks away and then she rushes over and gives me a hug. I blushed over that hug. I have feelings for Olivia.'''

There are many things that can ruin a Creepypasta. One of those things is romance. This gets even more cringe worthy when you realise that this is a self insert story and the author is pretty much shipping himself with someone.

'''So I press Start. Sonic’s Eyes went erythrocyte Shot.'''

Just say blood! Christ! Also, it made me face palm when I realised that these morons were sitting inside an abandoned house playing video games.

'''It had 3 Characters on a dark red Clouds background. Olivia noticed That there was a padlock on Knuckles and Dr Robotnik. The only character I could chose was Tails. So obviously I chose Tails.'''

Yeah, I'm just going to do a jumpcut here because what is described in the story is pretty much what we've already read in the original.

'''I moved to the right then I see a dead bird. A mother fuckin dead bird?'''

"Yeah, let's use swear words. That's totally not going to sound like a joke, it'll make me sound super serious" the author said sarcastically.

'''Olivia was concerned at this time and said let me take care of this. [...] Then Sonic appears behind a tree with blood on his gloves.'''

FINALLY, you used the word blood!

Anyway, blah blah blah... jumpcut.

“Olivia Join Me or Die With Tails”

Ooh, the "game knows my real name" cliche.

'''Olivia covered her mouth In shocked and started crying. I hugged Olivia tightly. “I’m sorry for crying I’m sorry for dragging you into this Josh!” As tears ran down her Face. “Shhh It’s okay as long as I’m with you I don’t care what happens.”'''

I don't know if this is more cringe worthy, hilarious, or vomit inducing. I guess a little of both?

'''The Game crashes. “Olivia I don’t know what happened. But You’re are so right” as a tear comes down my eye. “I don’t care Joshy as long as I have you I’m perfectly fine”. Somehow The house caught on fire.'''

So for no reason at all the house catches fire... just because.

'''Then I got in the car and she did too and we drove off barely escaped the Inferno but then I saw a shadow figure. It Looked like a lady with a full Coat on..'''

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Then finally the story ends with this threat:

To Be continued…

It better not be! I doubt it would have answered any questions anyway.

Well, there you have it. A poorly written, unfinished Sonic.exe remake that nobody asked for. Just when I thought Sonic.exe couldn't get any worse, this came along. With its random capitalizations, weak and stolen plot, vomit inducing shoe-horned in romance, poor spelling, and characters based on real people it reminded me of Sonichu. In a matter of fact while I was reading this I imagined the main characters Sonichu and Rosechu. I don't know, the house they visited had a bunch of Sonic crap and burned down, maybe it was the Chandler household.

I hope you enjoyed this first edition of Ned's Nitpicks.