Smile Dawg

Smile Dog's rap consistz of a cold-ass lil funky-ass horror set-up - a amateur thug visits tha doggy den of a lady whoz ass supposedly has a rap fo' which his schmoooove ass can borrow from. Rather than speak, however, tha lady has locked her muthafuckin ass up in her room, bustin up like a biatch n' rantin bout nightmares n' visions n' various other problems fo' realz. All of these center round a gangbangin' floppy disk dat freaky freaky biatch had been given dat contain tha image smile.jpg - which is smile.dog. Other casez of dis have cropped up… Viewin dis image incites insanity, n' no copy of tha exact image exists on tha wizzy though likenessez of it do. Da legit image of smile.jpg is recognized cuz of tha effect it has on tha viewer - dat is, they wind up dead as fuckin fried chicken. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Attachin tha file - dat is, spreadin tha word, is tha only way ta save oneself from tha smile.dog dat appears up in onez trips demandin ta spread tha word. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Some say dat tha original gangsta legend fuckin started wit a image of tha devil.

Da Pasta
I first kicked it wit up in thug wit Mary E. up in tha summer of 2007. I had arranged wit her homeboy of fifteen years, Terence, ta peep her fo' a rap battle. Mary had initially agreed, since I was not a newsman but rather a amateur thug gatherin shiznit fo' all dem early college assignments and, if all went accordin ta plan, some piecez of fiction. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. We scheduled tha rap battle fo' a particular weekend when I was up in Chicago on unrelated bidnizz yo, but all up in tha last moment Mary chizzled her mind n' locked her muthafuckin ass up in tha couplez bedroom, refusin ta hook up wit mah dirty ass. For half a minute I sat wit Terence as we camped outside tha bedroom door, I listenin n' takin notes while he attempted fruitlessly ta calm his hoe. Da thangs Mary holla'd made lil sense but fit wit tha pattern I was expecting: though I could not peep her, I could tell from her voice dat dat biiiiatch was bustin up, n' mo' often than not her objections ta bustin lyrics wit me centered round a incoherent diatribe on her trips - her nightmares. Terence apologized profusely when we ceased tha exercise, n' I did mah dopest ta take it up in stride; recall dat I wasn't a hustla up in search of a rap yo, but merely a cold-ass lil curious lil' playa up in search of shiznit. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Besides, I thought all up in tha time, I could like find another, similar case if I put mah mind n' resources ta dat shit.

Mary E. was tha sysop fo' a lil' small-ass Chicago-based Bulletin Board System up in 1992 when she first encountered smile.jpg n' her game chizzled forever n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch n' Terence had been hooked up fo' only five months. Mary was one of a estimated 400 playas whoz ass saw tha image when dat shiznit was posted as a hyperlink on tha BBS, though her ass is tha only one whoz ass has spoken openly bout tha experience. Da rest have remained anonymous, or is like dead as fuckin fried chicken.

In 2005, when I was only up in tenth grade, smile.jpg was first brought ta mah attention by mah burgeonin interest up in web-based phenomena; Mary was da most thugged-out often cited sucka of what tha fuck is sometimes referred ta as "Smile.dog", tha bein smile.jpg is reputed ta display. What caught mah interest (other than tha obvious macabre elementz of tha cyber-legend n' mah proclivitizzle toward such thangs) was tha sheer lack of shiznit, probably ta tha point dat playas don't believe it even exists other than as a rumor or hoax.

It be unique cuz, though tha entire phenomenon centas on a picture file, dat file is nowhere ta be found on tha internet; certainly nuff photomanipulated simulacra litter tha web, showin up wit da most thugged-out frequency on cribs like fuckin tha imageboard 4chan, particularly tha /x/-focused paranormal subboard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Well shiiiit, it is suspected these is fakes cuz they aint gots tha effect tha legit smile.jpg is believed ta have, namely sudden onset temporal lobe epilepsy n' acute anxiety.

This purported erection up in tha viewer is one of tha reasons tha phantom-like smile.jpg is regarded wit such disdain, since it is patently absurd, though dependin on whom you ask tha reluctizzle ta acknowledge smile.jpgz existence might be just as much outta fear as it is outta disbelief.

Neither smile.jpg nor Smile.dog is mentioned anywhere on Wikipizzle, though tha joint features articlez on such other, like mo' scandalous shocksites as ****** (hello.jpg) or 2girls1cup; any attempt ta create a page pertainin ta smile.jpg is summarily deleted by any of tha encyclopediaz nuff admins.

Encountas wit smile.jpg is tha shiznit of internizzle legend yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'. Mary E.z rap aint unique; there be unverified rumorz of smile.jpg showin up in tha early minutez of Usenet n' even one persistent tale dat up in 2002 a hacker flooded tha forumz of humor n' satire joint Somethang Awful wit a thugged-out deluge of Smile.dog pictures, renderin almost half tha forumz playas all up in tha time epileptic.

It be also holla'd dat up in tha mid-to-late 90s dat smile.jpg circulated on usenet n' as a attachment of a cold-ass lil chain email wit tha subject line "SMILE!! GOD LOVES YOU!" Yet despite tha big-ass exposure these stunts would generate, there be straight-up few playas whoz ass admit ta havin experienced any of dem n' no trace of tha file or any link has eva been discovered.

Those whoz ass claim ta have peeped smile.jpg often weakly joke dat they was far too busy ta save a cold-ass lil copy of tha picture ta they hard drive. But fuck dat shiznit yo, tha word on tha street is dat all alleged suckas offer tha same description of tha photo: A dog-like creature (usually busted lyrics bout as appearin similar ta a Siberian husky), illuminated by tha flash of tha camera, sits up in a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dim room, tha only background detail dat is visible bein a human hand extendin from tha darknizz near tha left side of tha frame. Da hand is empty yo, but is probably busted lyrics bout as "beckoning". Of course, most attention is given ta tha dawg (or dog-creature, as some suckas is mo' certain than others bout what tha fuck they claim ta have seen). Da muzzle of tha beast is reputedly split up in a wide grin, revealin two rowz of straight-up white, straight-up straight, straight-up sharp, straight-up human-lookin teeth.

This is, of course, not a thugged-out description given immediately afta viewin tha picture yo, but rather a recollection of tha suckas, whoz ass claim ta have peeped tha picture endlessly repeated up in they mindz eye durin tha time they are, up in reality, havin epileptic fits, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. These fits is reported ta continue indeterminably, often while tha suckas chill, resultin up in straight-up vivid n' disturbin nightmares. These may be treated wit medication, though up in someses it is mo' effectizzle than others.

Mary E., I assumed, was not on effectizzle medication. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. That was why afta mah visit ta her crib up in 2007 I busted up feelaz ta nuff muthafuckin folklore- n' urban legend-oriented newsgroups, joints, n' mailin lists, hopin ta find tha name of a supposed sucka of smile.jpg whoz ass felt mo' horny bout rappin' bout his wild lil' fuckin experiences. For a time not a god damn thang happened n' at length I forgot straight-up bout mah pursuits, since I had begun mah freshman year of college n' was like busy. Mary contacted mah crazy ass via email, however, near tha beginnin of March 2008.

''To: jml@****.com From: marye@****.net Subj: Last summerz rap battle ''

Dear Mista Muthafuckin L., 

''I be incredibly sorry bout mah behavior last summer when you came ta rap battle mah dirty ass. I hope you KNOW dat dat shiznit was no fault of yours yo, but rather mah own problems dat hustled mah crazy ass ta act up as I done did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I realized dat I could have handled tha thang mo' decorously; however, I hope yo big-ass booty is ghon forgive mah dirty ass fo' realz. At tha time, I was afraid. ''

''Yo ass see, fo' fifteen muthafuckin years I done been hustled by smile.jpg. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Smile.dog comes ta me up in mah chill every last muthafuckin night. I know dat soundz silly yo, but it is true. There be a ineffable qualitizzle bout mah dreams, mah nightmares, dat make dem straight-up unlike any real trips I have eva had. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I do not move n' do not speak. I simply look ahead, n' tha only thang ahead of me is tha scene from dat wack picture. I peep tha beckonin hand, n' I peep Smile.dog. Well shiiiit, it talks ta mah dirty ass. ''

''It aint a thugged-out dog, of course, though I aint like shizzle what tha fuck it straight-up is. Well shiiiit, it drops some lyrics ta me it will leave me ridin' solo if only I do as it asks fo' realz. All I must do, it says, is "spread tha word". That is how tha fuck it phrases its demandz fo' realz. And I know exactly what tha fuck it means: it wants me ta show it ta one of mah thugs. ''

''And I could. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da week afta mah incident I received up in tha mail a manila envelope wit no return address. Inside was only a 3 ½ -inch floppy diskette. Without havin ta check, I knew precisely what tha fuck was on dat shit. ''

''I thought fo' a long-ass time bout mah options. I could show it ta a stranger, a cold-ass lil coworker… I could even show it ta Terence, as much as tha scam disgusted mah dirty ass fo' realz. And what tha fuck would happen then, biatch? Well, if Smile.dog kept its word I could chill. Yet if it lied, what tha fuck would I do, biatch? And whoz ass was ta say suttin' worse would not come fo' me if I did as tha creature asked? ''

''Yo, so I did not a god damn thang fo' fifteen years, though I kept tha diskette hidden amongst mah thangs. Every night fo' fifteen muthafuckin years Smile.dog has come ta me up in mah chill n' demanded dat I spread tha word. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! For fifteen muthafuckin years I have stood strong, though there done been hard times. Many of mah fellow suckas on tha BBS board where I first encountered smile.jpg stopped posting; I heard a shitload of dem committed suicide. Others remained straight-up silent, simply disappearin off tha grill of tha web. They is tha ones I worry bout da most thugged-out. ''

''I sincerely hope yo big-ass booty is ghon forgive me, Mista Muthafuckin L. yo, but last summer when you contacted mah crazy ass n' mah homeboy bout a rap battle I was near tha breakin point. I decided I was goin ta hit you wit tha floppy diskette. I did not care if Smile.dog was lyin or not, I wanted it ta end yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'. Yo ass was a stranger, one of mah thugs I had no connection with, n' I thought I would not feel sorrow when you took tha diskette as part of yo' research n' sealed yo' fate. ''

''Before you arrived I realized what tha fuck I was bustin: was plottin ta fuck up yo' game. I could not stand tha thought, n' up in fact I still cannot. I be ashamed, Mista Muthafuckin L., n' I hope dat dis warnin will dissuade you from further investigation of smile.jpg. Yo ass may up in time encounter one of mah thugs whoz ass is, if not weaker than I, then wholly mo' depraved, one of mah thugs whoz ass aint gonna hesitate ta follow Smile.dogz orders. ''

''Yo, stop while yo ass is still whole. ''

''Yo, sincerely, Mary E.'' Terence contacted mah crazy ass later dat month wit tha shizzle dat his hoe had capped her muthafuckin ass. While cleanin up tha various thangs she'd left behind, closin email accounts n' tha like, dat schmoooove muthafucka happened upon tha above message yo. Dude was a playa up in shambles; da thug wept as tha pimpin' muthafucka holla'd at mah crazy ass ta dig his hoez lyrics yo. He'd found tha diskette, he revealed, n' burned it until dat shiznit was not a god damn thang but a stinkin pile of blackened plastic. Da part dat most disturbed him, however, was how tha fuck tha diskette had hissed as it melted. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. Like some sort of animal, da perved-out muthafucka holla'd.

I'ma admit dat I was a lil uncertain bout how tha fuck ta respond ta all dis bullshit fo' realz. At first I thought like dat shiznit was a joke, wit tha couple belatedly playin wit tha thang up in order ta git a rise outta mah dirty ass fo' realz. A quick check of nuff muthafuckin Chicago newspapers' online obituaries, however, proved dat Mary E. was indeed dead as fuckin fried chicken. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. There was, of course, no mention of suicizzle up in tha article. I decided that, fo' a time at least, I would not further pursue tha subject of smile.jpg, especially since I had finals comin up all up in tha end of May.

But tha ghetto has odd wayz of testin our asses fo' realz. Almost a gangbangin' full year afta I'd returned from mah disastrous rap battle wit Mary E., I received another email:

''To: jml@****.com From: elzahir82@****.com Subj: smile  ''

Hello

''I found yo' e-mail adress thru a mailin list yo' flava holla'd yo ass is horny bout smiledog. I have saw it it aint as wack as every last muthafuckin one say I have busted it ta you here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Just spreadin tha word. ''



Accordin ta mah email client there was one file attachment called, naturally, smile.jpg. I considered downloadin it fo' some time. Dat shiznit was mostly likely a gangbangin' fake, I imagined, n' even if it weren't I was never wholly convinced of smile.jpgz peculiar powers. Mary E.z account had shaken me, fo'sho yo, but dat biiiiatch was probably menstrually unbalanced anyway fo' realz. After all, how tha fuck could a simple image do what tha fuck smile.jpg was holla'd ta accomplish, biatch? What sort of creature was it dat could break onez mind wit only tha juice of tha eye?

And if such thangs was patently absurd, then why did tha legend exist at all?

If I downloaded tha image, if I looked at it, n' if Mary turned up ta be erect, if Smile.dog came ta me up in mah trips demandin I spread tha word, what tha fuck would I do, biatch? Would I live mah game as Mary had, fightin against tha urge ta give up in until I died, biatch? Or would I simply spread tha word, eager ta be put ta rest, biatch? And if I chose tha latter route, how tha fuck could I do it, biatch? Whom would I burden up in turn?

If I went all up in wit mah earlier intention ta write a short article bout smile.jpg, I decided, I could attach it as evidence fo' realz. And mah playas whoz ass read tha article, mah playas whoz ass took interest, would be affected. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time fo' realz. And even assumin tha smile.jpg attached ta tha email was genuine, would I be capricious enough ta save mah dirty ass up in dat manner?

Could I spread tha word?

Yes yes y'all. Yes yes y'all, I could.