My Little Trollpasta

[Disclaimer: Contrary to the title, this trollpasta does not contain any references to My Little Pony...at all. What this trollpasta does contain is graphic sexual content, hyper-realistic blood, vomit,  and fart clouds, ALL-CAPS ‘SHOUTING’ DIALOGUES, several run-on sentences, numerous plot holes, cuntles spleening erorrs, super-cheesy dialogue, so many pop culture references your head will spin, and is full of total horse baloney (because saying horse shit is too mainstream). DO NOT READ THIS if you’re easily agitated, aroused, or take offense to the most miniscule amount of anything because you’re too butt-hurt.

P.S. - If by some astronomical chance that Mutahar, Markiplier, Brutal Moose, AVGN, or Angry Joe are reading this, I’m sorry. I couldn’t help but make this as awkward for you guys to read as possible. Trololololol.]

(Apologies to all the people I stole jokes from and re-hashed them to make them worse.)

It all began when I was at home one day. I was in my bedroom masturbating to the erotic fan fiction I wrote featuring Mr. Clean, Mutahar, Brutal Moose, Markiplier, the Angry Video Game Nerd, Angry Joe, and several creepypasta characters like Sonic.EXE, Ao Oni, Slenderman, and Nicolas Cage. “Oh yeah!” I shouted, bouncing my tiny pogo stick up and down furiously. “Give it to me up the butt, Mutahar!” I was just about to finish when I heard a loud tapping at the window. I looked over and saw Sonic.EXE staring at me through the glass. He had the same sinister look he always had, with hyper-realistic blood and all. At first, I stopped and stared in horror, but after approximately 9.764 seconds (I conveniently had a stopwatch in my hand at the time. Don’t judge me!), I got really aroused again and resumed my fapping. Sonic.EXE’s expression changed from demented to disgusted. He smashed his head through the window and entered my room.

“Are you here to take my butt virginity?” I asked, still going at it like a coked-out monkey that drank a six-pack of Monster and inhaled Spanish Fly up his butthole.

Sonic.EXE shielded his eyes with his hands. “NO! I’m here to kill you and take your soul!” He let out a Kefka laugh as he threw his hands to the side.

“Sounds kinky! I’m always up for kinky stuff!” I rebounded enthusiastically.

“GOD DAMMIT, NO!!!” He shouted, shielding his vision again. “STOP DOING THAT! AND PUT SOME DAMN PANTS ON!”

“But I’m not done yet!” I frowned.

He pointed his finger at me, giving me the same demented look from before. “WHEN I’M DONE WITH YOU, THAT WILL BE THE LAST OF YOUR WORRIES!!! NOW, PREPARE TO-”

Before he could finish, part of the roof collapsed, sending debris and dust in the air. “Hey!” I shouted, shaking my fist and penus into the air. “If it’s those God-damned aliens again, knock it off! I’m sick of you guys busting in during solo shmexy times, even if you guys are good at ass-play! This is the third roof I’ve replaced this month! And the price of duct tape is skyrocketing like gas prices these days!” When the dust settled, before me stood six men. I immediately recognized them as Mutahar, Brutal Moose, Markiplier, the Angry Video Game Nerd, Angry Joe, and Scott, that guy from Canada who's a giant dick.

“Not so fast, Sonic.EXE!” Mutahar shouted boldly. “We’re here to-” He stopped and shifted his gays over to me, still completely nude. Immediately, he writhed in disgust, turning his head away. The other guys quickly did the same.

“Oh boy!” I exclaimed, bouncing on the bed like a horny schoolgirl. “This is just like my erotic fanfiction! You guys showed up too early, though. Sonic.EXE hasn’t mounted me yet.”

Sonic.EXE’s gays shifted quickly over to me with a horrified look like he was about to throw up. “THAT’S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I EVER HEARD! AND BELIEVE ME, I KNOW DISGUSTING!”

“Enough!” Angry Joe boomed. “We been tracking you, Sonic.EXE! And we’re here to end you, once and for all!”

Sonic.EXE took the the air, floating through the gaping hole that was once my fucking roof. “HAHAHAHAHA!!! FOOLISH MORTALS! DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULD CUM HERE ALONE?!?” With that, he let out another Kefka laugh as he thrust his hands up high. The ground shook violently, sending my collection of dildos, vibrators, and anal beads bouncing off the shelves. In the horizon, a dark red, inhuman figure emerged from the depths of Techno Hell. It stared down at us with hollow black eyes. It was Red from the Godzilla NES creepypasta.

With a deep frown, his mouth opened to reveal a completely black, hyper-realistic void (how something can be hyper-realistic if it’s completely black I have no fucking clue. But it’s my story, so shove it!). For some reason, Darude’s Sandstorm was playing in the background, which made sense seeing as how he had just escaped from Techno Hell.

Mutahar steeled himself. “There’s no way we can defeat him...unless…” He threw his fists up in the air, sort of how Richard Nixon did in that one picture or whatever. “Super-Ultra-Mega-Mega-Megazord, GO!” He boomed as lightning struck at his feet. The six of them began transforming into a giant fighting robot while the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers theme played in the background. The transformation took approximately 2.666 hours, 69.420 minutes, and 5.8008 seconds, during which I had time to go take a dump off the side of the Sears Tower, order a cheeseburger from the nearest shoe store, and write another ill-conceived, 7-part erotic fan fiction starring The Justice Friends, Sailor Moon, and the entire cast of The Red Green Show.

When the Super-Ultra-Mega-Mega-Megazord was finished transforming, it was the in the shape of the most generic-looking giant robot you could ever see. Mutahar was in control of the head, AVGN in the right arm, Markiplier in the left arm (my fapping arm, incidentally), Brutal Moose in the right leg, Angry Joe in the left leg, and Scott the Giant Dick in the giant dick between the legs.

The giant robot moved his hand down to the gigantic robotic dick. “You fart-loving trickster! I’ll take care of you!” Scott the Giant Dick exclaimed. With a firm stroke, fireballs splooged out the enormous penus and hit Red directly in the face. While humiliating, the attack did little damage to him. “I’m from Techno Hell! I have a natural immunity to fire, dumbasses!” He bellowed. His claw came down and slashed the robot in the chest, sending it back a few steps. I’m pretty sure I heard it step on my neighbor’s houses, killing them instantly. But we could bring them back by stroking the 7 Dragon’s Balls later. Whatever.

The Megazord regained its footing. “Switching to radioactive missiles!” Markiplier exclaimed. The robot re-beated its dick, this time sending a volley of explosive warheads at the enemy. Red shrieked in horror as they collided with his face. “NO!!! RADIOACTIVE MISSILES, MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!” He covered his face as Scott prepared to fire again. “Fire!” But nothing happened. To their dismay, they were out of ammo.

“How can we be out of ammo already?!?” Mutahar shouted.

“I think we used most of it to annihilate that little kid that was ringing your doorbell and called you a dried-up cunt!” Brutal Moose replied.

“What the fuck?!? This is like mixing pig shit with porcupine needles, then sticking your face in it!” AVGN protested.

Realizing their unfortunate situation, Red retaliated. He rammed into the Megazord, sending it falling to the ground. Poised over it, he was ready to make a killing blow (a lot of guys say I’m good at giving killer blows, but whatever. Back to the story.) “Did you really think you could defeat me?!” Red charged his laser beam. “I will become the Lord of Techno Hell!” He was just about to fire, when he sniffed the air and immediately stopped. His hands raised to cover his non-existent nose.

“AAAAAHHHH!! WHAT’S THAT GOD-AWFUL SMELL??!”

I glanced behind me, realizing I has released a noxious hyper-realistic brown cloud from my asshole. “Sorry! I’ve been eating nothing but Hot Pockets 3 meals a day.”

Red cringed in horror. “NO!!! HOT POCKET FARTS, MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!”

The Megazord got back to its feet. Markiplier quickly scooped me up and dropped me into an open hatch in the robot, where I was strapped to a table with a tube wrapped around my ass. “Now fart! Fart like the wind breaking and you have no fear of what other people think!” Markiplier exclaimed. With all my might, I let out the most repulsive farts I could. I pushed so hard, my shit disintegrated and turned to a dark brown cloud.

The Megazord pumped its dick one last time before firing a haze of shit-brown upon Red. He screeched in agony as the fart burned away his flesh and bone. Soon he was nothing but a heap of smelly remains in my front yard.

Sonic.EXE had a look of agitation on him. “You may have won this round, but I’ll be back!” And with that, he let out a third Kefka laugh before teleporting away.

We exited the Megazord, grateful it was over for now. I stood before them (still naked by the way) with a big grin on my stoopid face. “Now comes the best part of my erotic fanfic! This is where you guys all take turns butt-faking me!” All of them shook their heads, protesting in disgust.

“Not after what I just saw come out your ass!” Angry Joe exclaimed, waving the stink away from his face.

“What a shame. ‘Cause I was gonna watch the Essential Nicolas Cage Collection, Extreme-Action-Extra-Cheese-Double-Dipped-360-No-Scope Edition!” I responded, holding the box set of hyper-realistic HD DVDs in my hand.

All of them got excited after mentioning it. “May as well stay for awhile.” Mutahar sighed. “Besides, I’m too lazy to go back home, even though it literally takes 2.946 seconds to teleport back.” He bent down and picked up a pair of pants from the ground. “But for God’s sake, put some damn pants on!”

All the guys huddled in front of the TV as Nicolas Cage’s recent hit-movie, National Treasure 666: The Cage-ing played. You know, the one where he goes back in time killing historic U.S. figures like George Washington and Benjamin Franklin in order to become the 6th member of the Ginyu Force. The scene with Cage’s and Abraham Lincoln’s dildo-saber duel was playing.

“Four score and seven years ago, I kicked your great-great grandmother’s ass! And now I’m gonna kick yours as well!” Lincoln spoke confidently.

“Like Hell you are!” Cage replied. “I’m sick of being your second banana! Now I end you!” He swung his dildo-saber, cutting off the top of Lincoln’s oversized hat.

“NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!” Lincoln cried, falling to his knees.

Nicolas Cage turned to face the camera, striking a Ginyu Force Pose as the words ‘You’re Winner!’ flashed on-screen.

“They’ve really been reaching for sequel material, haven’t they?” Markiplier stated.

“No fucking shit!” AVGN replied “This is a load of donkey balls! This is bull fuck!”

I proceeded into the room, dressed in a skimpy nurse’s outfit. None of them seemed to notice, as they were too absorbed in the movie playing on the 69-inch flat-screen, ultra-high-definition, 3-D TV. “So, who's going to go first?” I said in a geeky, unsexy voice. None of them looked away from the TV for even a moment. “Brutal Moose, my butt yearns for you!”

Without looking away from the TV, he replied “Sorry, but you didn’t perform the No-Underpants Dance properly. Access denied.”

“What about you, AVGN?”

Again, without looking away, he also replied “Yeah right! I’d rather dance naked in the park while getting a handjob from a rabid goat!”

Feeling depressed, I tried once more. “Markiplier?”

“SHUT UP, NURSE!” He shouted. He reached out and gave me a pride-obliterating bitch slap. My sadness was quickly replaced with arousal.

“Just like in my erotic fan fiction!” I squealed with excitement. “Now you have to slap my ass!” I turned around and lifted up my miniskirt. Everyone took one glance, then simultaneously vomited hyper-realistically. Taking it as a sign that they weren’t up for much sex, I walked into the kitchen in a huff. I stared down at my hand. “Looks like it’s just you and me again.” I sobbed. I looked back up and, to my surprise, saw the Slenderman standing before me. One of the tentacles protruding from his back grabbed me by my ankles and hoisted me up in the air. “Oh sweet, tentacles!” I burst out, getting aroused again. Another tentacle reached out and slapped my ass really hard. “Do it again!” I demanded. He continued for approximately 1.23456789 minutes before something else caught my attention.

I looked across the room to find the Ao Oni standing there. Slenderman stopped spanking me and glanced over, locking his non-existant eyes with the blue monster’s. “Slenderman, my love!” The Ao Oni spoke. Slenderman’s tentacle dropped me as the two ran into each other’s arms. Wet slobbery noises were heard as they began making out like two horny teens at the drive-in theater. I got back up and ran towards them. “Hey! No fair! I wasn’t finished yet!” I shouted. Before I could reach them, they both teleported away.

I sat down on the floor as Markiplier ran into the room. “Are you okay?” He asked.

I looked up at him with a giant frown. “Well, I was. Slenderman was going to tentacle-rape me, but Ao Oni showed up and ruined it for me.”

“Aw. You butt-hurt, bro?”

“Yes, and not in the way I want to be!”

Markiplier knelt down beside me. “That’s okay. Because I love you.”

“Really? You really mean that?”

“That’s right. I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“That has to be the corniest romance line I’ve ever heard, but I don’t care!” I leaned in to make out with him and get super preggers, but he stopped me.

“My love, there’s just one thing I have to confess.” He stood back up. “I’m not really Markiplier. I’m actually Brutal Moose!” He ripped his skin off to reveal Brutal Moose.

Brutal Moose suddenly appeared in the room. “And I’m actually Mutahar!” He ripped his skin off to reveal Mutahar. Mutahar appeared next. “And I’m actually AVGN!” Again, ripping off skin to reveal AVGN. AVGN appeared and revealed himself to be Angry Joe, and Angry Joe revealed himself as Markiplier. Scott the Giant Dick came in last. “And I’m actually Bill Nye the Science Guy!” He too pulled his skin away, but instead of revealing Bill Nye, it was just a skeleton. He began running around screaming and stopping occasionally to let out radioactive farts.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. I ran to the door to see who it was. Outside was the FedEx truck with the driver standing in front of it with a rock. He gave it an overhand toss through my window. “Free shipping, motherfucker!” He shouted, throwing up a West Side gang sign as he walked back to his truck.

I grabbed the rock and, upon closer inspection, it had a letter attached to it with what appeared to be someone’s intestines (2spoopy4me). I unraveled it and opened the letter. It appeared to be written in hyper-realistic blood. This is a literal copy-paste of the letter:

Dear pathetic mortals,

I challenge you to come and try to defeat me! (Insert Kefka laugh here.) I know you are too frail to defeat me! (Insert Kefka laugh here.) Soon I will kill you all and torture your souls for all eternity! (Insert Kefka laugh here.) I will be waiting at Lake Mustakrakish in Finland! Come over if you dare! (Insert Kefka laugh here, followed by a series of coughs and wheezes.) Sorry, I’ve been inhaling too much of that bong smoke from Jeff the Killer’s bong. Man, does he have some good shit. Wonder where he gets it. I heard he gets it from Jabba the Hutt on Tatooine, but I’m not so sure. Wait...since when did I have blood coming out of my eyes? Oh shit, I’m fucking dying! This is definitely a bad trip! Game over, man! Game over! (Insert obnoxious burp here.) Oh wait, I’m okay now. Just had gas from that chili dog I ate.

Well anyways, come to Finland and stuff. We can have a tea party and play ‘Pin the Anal Plug on The Homosexual’. Good times, man...goooooddd….tiiimmeeesss. LOL OMGWTFBBQ Smiley Faic :)

Signed,

Sonic.EXE

P.S. - I wrote this in red marker, ‘cause I couldn’t find my favorite ink pen. I think the Happy Mask Salesman keeps stealing it. If you ever come down to Techno Hell, keep your pens in a secure place, preferably up your ass. He never looks there.

P.P.S. - Sorry about the broken window. You know how postal people can be. Man, talk about scary shit that haunts your nightmares...WHOAAH!

At this point, Scott the Giant Dick’s screaming was getting on our nerves. AVGN (formally known as Mutahar) grabbed the staple gun sitting on the table for some reason and stapled Scott’s skin back together.

I showed the letter to the others, and we all agreed we had to take Sonic.EXE head-on. “But how are we going to get there?” Mutahar (formally Brutal Moose) asked. “I’m too lazy to teleport us all to Finland, and I’m not getting on no damn airplane!”

“That’s okay!” I replied. “My house is really a UFO that landed here years ago!” I clapped my hands two times, and the house rose from the ground. “I have a Clapper installed. Clap-on! Clap-off! Clap-on, Clap-off, the Clapper!” I clapped twice more. “To Finland!” And we sped off, igniting the night sky with bitchin’ green flames.

When we arrived in Finland, we parked the UFO house on one side of Lake Mustakrakish. We exited the house and looked across the lake. Floating above the water was none other than Sonic.EXE, who had his hands inside a double-diabeetus-sized bag of Doritos.

“Alright, Sonic.EXE!” Mutahar called out. “We’re here to accept your challenge! Prepare to die!”

Sonic.EXE gays-ed at us with glassed-over eyes, then waved at us. “Oh, hai guise! Are you here for the tea party?”

We all looked at each other in confusion. “NO!” Angry Joe snapped. “We’re going to kill you!”

Sonic.EXE didn’t react very much. “Hey man, that’s not cool. I just wanted to hang with you and have some fun. No need to be a buzzkill.”

Realizing he must have been high as a 737 airplane that just hit the nitro and was leaving the atmosphere and heading off to deep space, I pulled his letter out from my pocket. “You sent this to us, remember?” He descended and grabbed the letter with his Dorito-dusted fingers. Reading it carefully, his eyes widened. “Oh shit, that’s right! If I don’t take care of this...shit shit shit! Alright, give me a moment.” He teleported away, then returned with a can of Red Bull in his hand. He cracked it open and chugged the heart-attack-inducing sludge inside.

“Why did you need a Red Bull?” Markiplier asked.

Sonic.EXE finished the drink and crushed the can with his forehead like a Major League Gamer should. “BECAUSE IT GIVES ME WINGS, MUDDERFUKKER!!!” He instantly returned to the sadistic being he once was. He let out a Kefka laugh (seriously, again with the overused Kefka laugh? Whatever.) and ascended up over the lake. “You may have defeated Red before, but now I have a way to destroy you all!”

“Yeah right, bitch. You can suck my ass if you think you can defeat us!” AVGN taunted.

“Stupid mortals! Do you know what lurks inside this lake? Allow me to show you!” Lightning flew from his fingertips and into the water. Suddenly, the lake began to ripple violently. A platform rose from the depths, and on it stood five figures. I recognized them as the death metal band Dethklok. They immediately broke out in playing the song ‘Awaken’.

“Awaken, awaken, take the land that must be taken!” Nathan Explosion sang as the lake shook violently again. A giant red troll-like creature emerged from the center of the lake. It was none other than Mustakrakish (oh, no shit Sherlock? The lake is called Lake Mustakrakish and the troll’s name is Mustakrakish? Brilliant observation, douchebag!). Mustakrakish began making his way towards us.

Mutahar steeled himself. “There’s no way we can defeat him...unless…” He threw his fists up in the air, sort of how Richard Nixon did in that one picture or whatever. “Super-Ultra-Mega-Mega-Megazord, GO!” He boomed. But instead of transforming into the Super-Ultra-Mega-Mega-Megazord, nothing happened. “What the fuck? Why won’t it work?”

Brutal Moose turned to him “Mutahar! Don’t you remember that we can only transform once per episode? Our budget for this trollpasta is only $2.00 and a few Chuck E. Cheese tokens!”

“Well dammit! Now we’re gonna get stuck in a corner and die!...Actually...I’m all out of time! So thank you all so much for watching! Click on the annotations for more videos that I’ve done, and as always, I will see you in the next video! Bye-bye!” Markiplier sputtered before running back inside the UFO house.

“Wait, I remember this episode of Metalocalypse.” I exclaimed. “My Dethphone! I need to throw it at That Guy!” I reached into my pocket and grabbed the Dethphone that I got from Toki Wartooth after he took my first butt virginity. I spun it around above my head and threw it with all my might. It flew through the air and landed a pathetic two feet in front of us. “Dammit! And I’ve been training for the Special Olympics all summer!” I shouted in frustration.

“But...there is ONE other thing we can try.” Angry Joe pointed out.

“You don’t mean…?” Mutahar replied.

“Yes...THAT thing.”

Without any warning, we all broke out into a ritualistic rendition of ‘Fuck The Police’. The clouds above parted as a gigantic butt descended from the heavens, hovering over the side of the lake. A giant pair of detached hands appeared and grabbed the butt cheeks, pulling them apart to reveal a hyper-realistic anus. A 15-story-tall stick figure shat out the butt with a tiny ‘Ppptthh’ sound. The stick figure had his eyes crossed and his tongue sticking out. Oh, and he was also a Mecha-Nazi, in case you were wondering. It was Big Dick Rick, the protagonist from Big Dick Rick’s Magical Nazi Unicorn Rainbow Adventure: The Board Game: The Movie: The Video Game. Big Dick Rick

Big Dick Rick strikes his famous pose! (Had to censor it because I might traumatize someone with the picture of a crudely drawn cartoon penus.)

B.D.R. raised his arm in a Nazi heil position. “Heil Mecha-Hitler, savior of the Realm of Khorne!” He bellowed. His dick erected to become parallel with his arm, striking his trademark pose from the game.

“OH SHIT!” Mustakrakish panicked. A loud ‘PPPHHHH’ sound emanated from his backside, indicating he just shit himself. He turned around and started to flee in pure, pants-ruining terror. Before he could get very far, B.D.R. performed a Super Nazi Kamehameha Wave, ejecting him from the known universe and into a random black hole that led to the 9th dimension ruled by the Giant Monkey Men, as well as destroying half the universe in the process. We’re really going to have to stroke the 7 Dragon’s Balls good if we’re going to undo all this collateral damage.

“HEY! NO FAIR! THAT’S CLEARLY HACKING!!!” Sonic.EXE shouted, stealing a line from the Bob.EXE trollpasta, one that’s superior to this pile of goat dookie and buttcheeks.

“What’s ‘matter, skrub?” I taunted. “You suk d00d, uninstall the game. Get rekt, m8!”

Sonic.EXE thrust his hands in the air. “YOU’LL SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF MY P.A.N.S.Y. INSTEAD!” Storm clouds gathered above us as the lake’s water turned into hyper-realistic semen, another cliche stolen from a much better trollpasta, I Slightly Dislike You. The semen swirled around the lake as the sounds of toilet flushing were heard. When the lake was completely drained, a skeleton popped out. But instead of being a skeleton, I recognized it as a Cyberdemon from the classic DOOM games. The Cyberdemon was slightly altered though. It was about three times bigger than a normal Cyberdemon, and it had the gayest pink palette swap you could imagine.

“Behold! My Perfectly Assimilated cyberdemoN of Sweet Yaoi! It has 100 times the normal health of a Cyberdemon and can fire 10,000 rockets per second, making the player’s game lag at about .0000000420 frames per second!” He let out...sigh...ANOTHER Kefka laugh as he hovered over the P.A.N.S.Y.’s shoulder.

“Oh come on.” I rebutted. “You just scaled up a normal Cyberdemon sprite and gave it a putrid palette swap. It’s not original or even clever for that matter. Zero out of ten. Do not want.” I gave him two thumbs down.

Sonic.EXE grew furious. “SHUT UP! I’M THE MOST L33T DOOM MODDER THERE IS!! AND PLUS, I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT!!”

B.D.R. and the P.A.N.S.Y. began fighting as other DOOM monsters teleported in around us. “There’s too many! We’re going to have to call in some support!” Mutahar exclaimed. He reached for his cell phone and dialed a number. “Hello, Leonardo Dicaprio? We need your help! Yeah, I know that it’s Taco Tuesday, but -. Well I don’t see how that pertains to this conversation. Just get over here and we’ll go out for ice cream later. Okay, bye.” The instant he hung up, Leonardo Dicaprio teleported in, telefragging several of the demons at once.

But even with Dicaprio’s help, we were soon overwhelmed. “It’s no use! We have to retreat!” Angry Joe shouted. Suddenly, I remembered that I still had one more trick up my sleeve. I pulled out a remote control with a single big, red button on it. “We can win this! I have one last trump card...at least until the author decides that I mysteriously have another one.” I pushed the button and an alarm sounded. The words, ‘Warning! Ninja Grandma engaged!’ flashed before us as an old lady came crashing down from the sky. She wielded a pair of nunchucks made from an old person’s walker. “WOOO-OOHHHAA!!” She burst out, spinning her nunchucks around and knocking out demons in a 10-foot radius around her. She then sprang at one of them as it was fleeing. “AY-YAY-YAY-YAY-YAH!!” She released her warcry, hopping from one enemy to the next. It only took a mere -3.14 minutes before all the demons were dead.

At this point, Big Dick Rick had utterly demolished the P.A.N.S.Y., leaving only Sonic.EXE remaining. “DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! MINUTES OF PLANNING RUINED!!” He shouted in complete frustration. Markiplier exited the UFO house with his fly down. “Ahh, much better! Did I miss anything?” Sonic.EXE pointed at him and sent a bolt of lightning from his fingertip. Markiplier was horrifically electrocuted and fell to the ground dead.

I stared at his lifeless body, eyes tearing up. “Markiplier...my love…” My sadness was quickly replaced with Aang-er. I threw my fists to the side as Vegeta’s Super Saiyan theme played in reverse and at 66.6% speed. “I will avenge you!” I shouted, and in a flash of light I transformed into a Super Saiyan 9001.

Sonic.EXE reeled back in horror. “Im-impossible!” I quickly took to the air, charging straight at him. I gave him a swift and almighty kick to the weenie and he was sent flying around the entire world and collided head-first into my fist. “How are you so powerful?!?” He demanded. I pointed down to my crotch. “I masturbate...a lot!” He attempted to sucker-punch me, but I caught his fist before it made contact. “I’m sorry, Richie! You’re so strong and kewl. Please don’t kill me!”

“Suck my dick, r-tard!” I replied, throwing him up into the stratosphere. I then began charging a large energy blast. “Special-Beam-Spirit-Bomb-Me-Ha-Me-Ha!” I released the energy beam, completely disintegrating him

I descended back to the ground. Markiplier suddenly appeared out of nowhere, completely alive and healthy. Everyone was taken aback with shock. “But we thought you were dead!” Mutahar exclaimed. Markiplier smiled and put his hands to his hips. “I was, but I was brought back to life. Thanks, Obamacare!”

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant wormhole opened up and sucked us all in. The tunnel was lined with cuntless colours mish-mashing together like a lava lamp. I was immediately reminded of that time I injected heroins and cocaines straight intos my ballsack. As we traveled through, we heard Darude - Sandstorm again. It could only mean one thing: we were going to Techno Hell. (Dun-Dun-Duhhh!).

When we arrived in Techno Hell, we were dropped into a giant room with green radioactive goo falls. I realized this looked exactly like the final boss room in DOOM II, only the goat-head-skull thing was missing. In it’s place hovered the gigantic severed head of...dun-dun dun-dun...JOHN ROMERO!!!

“You have survived all my deadly plans for you.” The head spoke. “You defeated Red, Mustakrakish, and even Sonic.EXE. But now it’s time for you to die.”

Scott the Giant Dick grew enraged. “Hey! Why’d you bring us here, you fart-huffer?!?”

“I just told you. I’m going to kill you.”

“So you’re going to kill us for killing your minions? You a dick!”

“No, you a dick!”

“You a dick!”

“No dude, I’m John Romero, Lord of Techno Hell. You a giant dick!”

“At least I have a dick!”

Romero fired an eye-beam at Scott’s feet, sending him falling on his back. He then opened his mouth and demons flew out. We all picked up guns from the overly-convenient pile of guns in the center of the room and scattered. We were holding them off rather easily until we ran out of ammo. “We’re out of ammo!” Brutal Moose stated, feeling the need to reiterate what I had just said in the previous sentence. I pulled up the cheat console. “Don’t worry, guys! I got this!” I typed in the cheat ‘IDKFA’, but was only greeted with ‘sv-cheats must be true to use this command.’

“Idiots! Did you really think I was going to let you use cheats here?” We realized we were facing our imminent DOOM (cleaver use of the game’s title LOL). The demons closed in on us. “Is this the closest I’m going to get to my first gang-bang?!” I shouted. One of the demons launched a fireball at us, but another demon got in the line of fire. The demon immediately turned around and began clawing away at the one that had hit it, and soon both were killing each other.

Suddenly, I had an idea. I jumped a good 20-feet into the air like Super Mario (sound effect and everything), up and over the enemies encircling us. They gave chase, all the while firing missiles, fireballs, blobs of plasma, explosive ice cream cones, hairspray cans, urinal cakes, extra-soft pillows, used condoms, you name it and they shot it at me. Just as I had anticipated, they ended up hitting each other instead, beginning the most epic and arousing monster in-fighting match I’ve ever seen. Romero watched in both Aang-er and confusion. “What are you guise doing?!? Stop that right naow! I’m seriously! U guise! Srsly...u guise...srsly…” But his bickering did no good, as they were all dead.

“I am the greetest!” I shouted. “And now I will dance for no raisin.” I broke out in performing the ‘Napoleon Dynamite Dance’, all while Romero grew more furious. “You haven’t won yet! I still have my secret weapon! MUHUHUHUHAHAHAHA!!!”

The generic techno music playing in the background stopped and was replaced with tween pop bullshit. We cringed as we all recognized the song: Justin Bieber’s ‘Baby’. The music pulsed through our bodies like radiation. I fell to my knees, hands shaking. He looked down at me with soft eyes, placing his hand atop my head. “You’re a naughty girl, aren’t you?” He spoke in a sexy undertone. I grasped his legs for support as I moved my lips closer and closer, until finally...oh wait, wrong document.

Anyways, we was all on the ground and hurtin’ and stuff. I could feel my heart beating and it was sore.EXE. Just then, a thought came to me. I stood back up and looked at Romero. “I must know one thing before I died.”

“What’s that?” He replied.

“If you’re a decapitated head, how are you still alive? I mean, it scientifically impossible for a head to survive very long without a body, so what gives?”

The music came to a screeching halt. Romero’s face grew uneasy. “I’ve never thought about it! I just assumed it was natural!” Suddenly, the room began shaking violently. Romero seemed to be fading out. “Look what you’ve done! You broke the trans-dimensional rift! Now I will no longer exist!” He grew more transparent with each passing moment. With his last breath, he muttered his final words:

“My only regret is...Daikatana…”

And with that, he faded out of existence.

The room was falling apart at this point. Large chunks of the ceiling came crashing down and splashed into the pool of radioactive goop. “We have to get out of here!” Mutahar exclaimed, pointing to the portal at the top of the room. We climbed over the piles of dead demons and up to the top. Just when we were about to bolt for the portal, the ceiling above crumbled. First tiny particles, then large chunks. We ran for it as the entire ceiling collapsed, leaping into the portal.

[Did our heroes make it out alive? Will the world ever go back to normal? Will Leonardo Dicaprio ever get his ice cream he was promised? Who the Hell is responsible for writing the atrocity? All these questions and more will be answered...in the DLC pack available to download for $29.95...per part….or $130.99 for the whole pack!]