Slender's Golden Boy (a real Proxy's revelations)

So, many of you have read countless tales from people who are Slenderman Proxies; on their biographies, how and why they met the Slenderman himself, and how they became his minions. Some of them also tell on how they now reside at a location known as the “Slender Mansion”. I am here to give you the revelations.

How I am starting things off is by saying this: the man of slenderness is most truly, definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, real and more than an urban legend. However, he is not the monstrous, malicious, anthropophilic kidnapper/killer that people make him out to be. In fact, even some of those damn “Proxies” tell about how he’s an evil, terrible creature just like themselves when they are supposed to respect him. Such holes of asses…

How can I confirm this? I am an actual Proxy of his.

Regarding how he looks, he might be quite spooky to some. Sin embargo, if you look past his inhumanly slim physique, height, smooth featureless kisser, paper white skin and wriggly black worms coming out of his backside, you get to know him better and find out he’s a pretty cool guy who just wants friends. I mean, come on, just because he looks scary on the outside doesn’t mean he is ugly on the inside. It’s the 21st bloody century and people still don’t fecking get it? Bah, I’m veering off. Anyway… Think about it, people. If the Slendyman really were such an evil entity, he would be going out on his way to literally any places to actively hunt down, kidnap or kill any persons he feels like screwing with as much as he pleases. Office buildings? Houses? Hospices? Your nearby local Papa John’s? You will never actually see the Skinnyman at any of those locations; not even during the night. Instead, he can only be found in a specific forest named “[DATA EXPUNGED] Greens” at the outskirts of [DATA EXPUNGED] County in the middle of Bumfuck, USA. He simply stays there, waiting only for people who have heard of his “urban legends” to come there so he can have a talk with them and transport them to his world. One last adding factor to this is that the portal to Slimmyman’s world is permanently fixed to the middle of this woodland, so it’s not like he can make portals anywhere and anytime. He’s not a godmodder.

Oh yeah, and speaking of his world… people often wonder what happens to those who get gotcha’d by the Scrawny Man. Some say he just murders them by injecting television white noise (both the visual static and the actual noise) into the “prey’s” sight and hearing senses. Some say he teleports himself with his “victim” to another dimension. Absolutely no one makes any slight positive implications about Skinny’s dimension, implying that it is a terrible place and it makes me so triggered. I’ve been in the Slendermension many times. No, not “Slender Mansion”, I’m not getting to that now. I said, “SlenderMENSION”. You know? Slender? Dimension? Slendermension?...... Oh, shut up! YOU make up a better name for the place than Skinnyperson did! How’s that sound, scrub? Anyway, the Slendermension is, like, totally far out, man. It all looks and feels like a really good trip, except none of it is a hallucination. Basically, when you enter this dimension, there is nothing but flat land populated by a strange species of plant (more on that later). However, the meat of this dimension is a titanically enormous shopping mall in the middle of this land that is large enough to cover a quarter of planet Earth’s surface. Go eat your heart out, Mall of America! Said shopping mall is called the SSC (Slendermension Shopping Center) and has Slender Human Male as both the mall’s manager AND the mayor of Slendermension. It features a wide plethora of stores, food courts, seemingly infinite Swedish furniture shops, video game arcades, amusement parks, Olympic-sized swimming pools, paintball arenas and even brothels inhabited by hundreds of sexy Slenderwomen who also give divine massages with their back tentacles! Truly a pro-ana fetishist’s dream come true and a fat admirer’s nightmare come true (if you are a fat fetishist, it is best you avoid this world, or you will be scarred for life). So yeah, it’s not like he takes you to Hell, or anywhere else scary, you big scaredy twits!

Oh yeah, regarding the aforementioned strange species of plants… I forget what their scientific name is. Basically, they are somewhat like palm trees that look like the Sveltyman; tall thin black stem, tentacle-like appendages for leaves and a single ovoid-shaped, coconut-sized, pure white fruit at the very top o’ da tree. Drinking the juice and eating the flesh of this fruit makes you very high, and that is why I am talking somewhat strangely and going off track… I had, like, five of these damn things an hour ago. They are so delicious. Semi-related, but Svelterman has a distant cousin known as Mr. Noseybonk. They are both whiteys and tend to wear black suits, as well as grow plants that resemble themselves or, in Noseybonk’s case, a part of his body, being his large penis-shaped schnoz (they are called “Nosegays”, btw). However, he and Narrow-bodied Individual fell out after they got into a heavy disagreement over Nosegay and slender-fruit trafficking.

Finally, I’m getting to my next major point in my thesis, regarding the Slenderman Proxies. In the beginning, I mentioned “countless tales from people who are Slenderman Proxies”. The correction, however, is that those tales were told from people who simply CLAIM to be Slenderman Proxies. See, the Slim Man won’t simply go for anybody; especially when some of those anybodies do all sorts of insane shite as ways to pay tribute to him. Their biographies talk about how they are unnaturally anti-social, emotionless or mostly negatively emotional (being mostly sad or angery), overly hate their own families and school peers even when they don’t mistreat them, and/or have extreme cases of victim complex. Later, most of these edgelords just kill their bullies and, more importantly, their family and friends, run away from home and go into [DATA EXPUNGED] Greens in search for the Skinny Human Man so they could join him. After doing so, they become his “Proxies”, who basically carry out his biddings by kidnapping, murdering, being terrorists overall, and spreading the word to make more people be aware of his existence and become his subordinates. Pre-proxies are somehow aware of Thin Person’s existence in the first place without prior knowledge. They also tend to get superpowers which may or may not be before they meet the Slender Guy. Da truth is, da Slendah Crackah don’t need none of dat grimdark sheeit, man! He ain’t no dayum devil! Y’all don’ need to do no human and animal sacrifices to satisfy mah Skinny Wiggah! He actually don’ like dat shit very much and, like I said before, he just be lookin’ fo’ some homies to hang out at his hood!... Ahem, I apologize for the ghetto talk. One of the slender-fruit’s effects kicked in and affected my speech pattern.

So yeah, TL;DR (for the last paragraph), self-proclaimed Slenderman Proxies are delusional retards that should be in an asylum… which brings me to my next major point: The Slender Mansion. No, not “Slendermension”. I covered that already. I said, “Slender MANSION”. You know? Slender? Mansion?...... Wait fuck, there is no actual word play here. Never mind!

For those who don’t know, the Slender Mansion is a supposed place where Lankyman reigns as the mansion’s master, as well as a caregiver for those who live there. Alongside the Slankerman, there are humans (who are practically nonexistent), superhumans (who are the most prominent and tend to have grievous self-injuries) and monsters (ditto) who are addressed as “Spooky Spaghettis”, “Spaghetties”, or “Spaghetti Monsters” (the Pastafarian deity is not so happy about it). I have no idea why they are called that. I have neither heard or read any anecdotes on them being spaghetti enthusiasts, or that their favorite food is pasta. Anyhoozel, all the Mansion’s inhabitants treat each other like a loving family, with Slim Jim and the other Spaghetti Monsters playing the roles of parental figures, sibling figures and mentors with the Proxies and any new future Spaghetti Monsters. The whole pasta mafia go out doing wholesome family fun activities such as kidnapping and mutilating people of all ages (children being their favorite playthings) and… that is pretty much it. Well, here is the truth:

The Slender Mansion does NOT exist. What the Proxies see as the Slender Mansion is actually Happy Bedlam Cuckoo Homes. That’s right, a looney bin. All of the people who believe in (as well as fanatically adore) Spooky Spaghetti Monsters and the evil misinterpretation of Slimmy Jimmy are inmates within Happy Bedlam Cuckoo Homes; all of them deluded into thinking the other inmates and the facility’s doctors are the Spindly Man and the Pasta Posse. Fortunately, the place is well secured and none of the Terrible Tortellini and Sliman fangirls/fanboys can leave and go out on their “murder missions”. Although, even to this day, more and more inmates are piling up on the asylum’s population. There may need to be a Happy Bedlam Cuckoo Homes 2 : Electric Boogaloo (actually, scratch those last two words, because they would imply that a second facility would be unneeded).

So, you might be asking: How did I become a Slenderproxy? It’s simple, Fred. I just became aware of his existence. Went into the heart of [DATA EXPUNGED] Greens. Found him standing far away from me. I looked away from him for a moment, looked back at his direction only to see he teleported right in front of my face. He asked, “Hello, would you like to come to my world?”. I then thought about how my parents told me to never talk to strangers, but that rule only applies to human strangers and who I encountered is not a human, so I said “Okay”. He then grabbed my hand with his tentacles. We walked into the portal (which might I add, looks like a television screen playing white noise and static) and ended up in the Slendermension and its Slendermension Shopping Center. Yep. No kidnappings. No tortures. No killings. No sacrifices. None of that bullshit to please him. Just the classic tale of bro meets bro.

So yeah, me ‘n mah wiggah homie da Masculine Humanoid of Svelte Bodily Physique are soon gon’ be hangin’ out at dee Slendahmension to eat sum of dat Slendah Fruit and then meet up wit sum Slendahoes at our favorite red-light district. I’m gonna git off mah computah, leave mah house and head off to dah [DATA EXPUNGED] Greens to meet up wit ‘im. Oh, and one last thing to say on behalf of mah hoodboy: da Slendah Man laughs ‘cuz y’all “Proxies” are fake! Later, biznitches!

ALTERNATE, EXTRA ENDING
Meanwhile at Happy Bedlam Cuckoo Homes, a pair of doctors are standing outside and looking into a padded cell.

“So, uh… he is still blabbering on and on about the so-called Slenderman. He’s repeated that same story over 9000 times these six months. Do you think we should inject him some of these Mental Drugs that were just shipped in 168 hours ago”?

“I don’t think so. This man is most definitely harmless unlike the other self-proclaimed “Slenderman Proxies” and “Creepypastas” we have here who committed murders in the name of their “lank and sveltior”. Plus, I have received a report literally right this minute that these Mental Drugs managed to give some looney teenager super-powers, allowing her to effortlessly kill all the doctors and security personnel at that facility.”

“Well, shit… what do we do with these then?”

“Hmm… their adverse effects are likely to occur only if injected into the patient. What if they were eaten or smoked instead? What effects could they inflict?

“Shall we find out?”

“Sounds like a capital idea, comrade. Let’s go to the back alley.”

Shat out of the brain of Horned-Prosciutto