Return of the Sally Doll

It’s been a month since my brother went missing. The last thing I could find of him was his skin, until a few days ago. And this story will explain everything.

My name is Percy, and my brother’s name is Thomas. No, he’s not Dillin Thomas, but he WAS named after him. But that’s not important right now. What IS important is how I saved him from being a slave. I’m also a fan of Sonic the Hedgehog, and the character Tikal the Echidna. For the past few years, I’ve been trying to find a way to make clones of the characters in real life. I only have one right now, but I received her/him in an unexpected way.

It all started when I found my brother’s skin, torn up on the ground, and bleeding hyperrealistically. I tell you, it was pretty fucking gay. I don’t have anything else to say about that. Another thing I found was inside the skin was a Genesis cartridge with hyperrealistic blood dripping down the sides. But I figured it was because I smoked a bunch of doobies. Also, the last line in that previous sentence was supposed to be read in kitty0706’s tone (may allah rest his soul).

Anydirections, like any “smart” gamer, I shoved the cartridge into my brother’s genesis like a dildo. Ass soon ass the cartridge entered the system, it turned on the tv like that one episode of veggietails. Only it wasn’t a copy of sonic 1. It was a copy of THE SUPER MARIO WORLD CREEPYPASTA ROM HACK TRADEMARK COPYRIGHT SYMBOL!!! THE SUPER MARIO WORLD CREEPYPASTA ROM HACK TRADEMARK COPYRIGHT SYMBOL!!! Was completely normal, except it was just like the real Super Mario World. At the end of the game, things took a turn for the worst or best. You decide.

There was a cutscene of our lord and savior, Waluigi, jerking off to the important videos playlist. Mario walked in on him and screamed like a little girl. Waluigi’s orgasm was so powerful it melted all of Mario’s skin. See, this is why our god should be in smash, take notes Sakurai. Anyways, 14 seconds after Mario’s skin melted, it reformed, and Mario slowly backed out of the room. 9.123456789 seconds later, out of nowhere, three extremely sexy characters from Sonic appeared: Rouge the Bat, Mina Mongoose, and Blaze the Cat (also Dr. Seuss possessed me when I wrote that line). There was something familiar about Blaze, however.

Blaze, Mina, and Rouge grabbed Waluigi and tried to stuff him into an oversexualized Cream the Rabbit doll (SHE’S A FUCKING MINOR!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!1!1!11111!!!!!eleven!!one111!!!exclamation point!!!!!!!111!!11!1). But he wouldn’t have any of that. He used his powerful jump to escape, and kicked them into oblivion. Sally Acorn came out of nowhere as well and tried to kill him, but Waluigi kicked her away. “Eat shit and die!” he yelled like Hercules from that one disney movie. It then cut to Earth, and the girls fell in it. They suddenly crashed into a familiar house… wait OH SHIT THAT WAS MY HOUSE!!!

I grabbed my rocket lawnchair and fired it into my dining room. I missed the girls and hit the refrigerator, causing my lifetime supply of ramen noodles and sunny-d to fly everywhere. And inside Sally, I noticed that she had a skeleton inside her. No, not a plastic skeleton, but a real one, and it was a man’s skeleton! (insert ha gay here) I immediately ran and jumped out the window, as I heard her say “YOU GAY?!?!?!?!” I didn’t look back (just kidding I looked back to see Sally, Rouge, Mina, and Blaze chasing me) as I drove through 14 different buildings. Suddenly, I saw an oversexualized Amy (ALSO A MINOR) setting up a trap for me. I braked hard but it was too late, I crashed into the trap and nearly died. But as Blaze grabbed my arm, I punched her in the face with my copy of the infinity gauntlet (because I’m Thanos’ great great great great great (9 quintillion greats later) grandson) and saw an electric current fly out of her. She stared at me for a few seconds before picking me up and running away from the other girls. After hiding in an old, rusty tugboat powered by sunny-d, she put her finger to my mouth.

“Percival, we don’t have much time,” she said.

My colon released my shit, as I realized something. There was only one person who called me Percival, and that was…

“Thomas?!”

She nodded. Actually, I’m gonna start referring to him with male pronouns, so let me rewrite that last sentence: HE nodded. “What happened to you?” I asked. “Haunted cartridge,” he said, “The Sally doll stuck it into my real skin after cutting me out.” He told me the story of how he was captured by the Sally doll, and how she revealed her backstory (that’s a story for another time). The Sally doll also said that her goal was to become the real Sally Acorn. After the story, we devised a plan to defeat the Sally doll once and for all.

But first, we went back to get Thomas’ real skin back. However, only the rest of his penis remained, so we removed the wires from his penis attached to his body and surgically rebuilt his penis. But we had to get him clothes too, because nobody wants to see a furry girl with a dick. And then we put our plan into action.

Thomas snapped the fingers of the infinity gauntlet, erasing half of the universe, including all terrorist groups and the people who support Kim Jong Un, including Kim Jong Un himself. It really didn’t help us stop the Sally Doll, but we wanted to defeat North Korea. Next, we went to the ruins of North Korea and stole a nuclear bomb. After bringing it all the way to America, we lured the Sally doll towards it and freed “Rouge,” “Mina,” and “Amy,” who were actually the REAL Sonic the Hedgehog, this one guy named Jesse Pajamas, and Skipper the Penguin. Now in case you live under a rock, Skipper was one of the brave penguins who defeated Donald Trump and obtained the N-word pass. But that’s not important now.

Anyways, after we freed Sonic, Jesse Pajamas, and Skipper, we tied the Sally doll to the nuke and launched it. It was a successful test, and she was blown up. As she fell to the ground, she burst into flames and died, but not before screaming “I WILL BE BACK ONE DAY! JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE! EVERYONE HERE WILL ACORN MY NUTS!” Everyone who lived on this beautiful planet cheered. The police did try to arrest us for “attempted genocide of america,” but we explained that it was to stop someone else from taking over the entire planet.

Now you might be wondering what this had to do with Tikal the Echidna. And to that, I say, the police raided the Sally doll’s super secret hideout inside George Washington’s 3rd tooth in Mount Rushmore, and found a Tikal doll. Because I have a sick fetish for wearing dolls (like my brother), I went to the next Comic Con dressed up in it, along with my brother. We drank lots of sunny-d and had fun, including sex (yes I know it counts as incest and homosexuality but to be fair, we began to develop a crush on each other. Must have been a side effect of the doll).

THE END… maybe. Let’s hope that the Sally doll doesn’t actually come back.