NextGenShipping Theory

Note: I managed to copy this story before it got deleted on the original website. If anything sounds super dated, I think I saved this back in 2016 or so.

All of this is happening right now as I type this on my Dell Alienware Area 51. I was doing what I do every year since it came out, playing my favorite game Sonic the Hedgehog '06. It is also the last Sonic game I have ever liked because none of the ones after it play like it and none of them have Elise in them. My OTP is NextGenShipping according to chao.hippotank.com>forum>viewtopic. What's even better is that to this day I have my Special Edition which my parents got me for my birthday when I saved up a whole years allowance.

I kept playing it so that I could get to the scene where I got to see Elise kiss Sonic to life but then Sonic woke up and broke the fourth wall. He looked at me and asked, "Hey kid. Do you want to go to a place where your OTP is an unquestioned fact?"

I stood up and shat myself so hard that my pants went brown before I asked, "No way! You're that evil Sonic.exe. Why are you infecting my favorite game?"

Sonic told me, "You have me all wrong. I'm not Sonic.exe. I'm his bishi brother and ex-boyfriend Sonic.xlb. I just want to take you to a world where fanon is canon. You can meet my wife Elise and meet our seven kids.

Oh Em Gee yes! I get to go to a world I've always wanted to live in. I will see Sonic and Elise together in the best planet ever. I told him, "Okay, Let me grab my snickers real quick." I go my snickers and stepped on my TV before I was transported to the world that Sonic.xlb promise me.

He gave me all the promises that I wanted when I saw Elise with major preggers and her hedgehog hybrid children at their feet. I jumped for joy when I said, "Yeah! Sonic and Elise are together! Happy ending!"

"That is what you want to think isn't it?" I thought I heard Dan motherfucking Green voicing Yami Yugi but I was confused when I saw hyperrealistic Patrick Star appear.

I was all, "Double you tee eff Patrick what are you doing here?"

Patrick raised one of his hands to proclaim, " I am here to lay claim to this bestiality ridden fanon world. For I am the spirit bomb form of the world's hatred for Sonic the Hedgehog. Now I will commit the most dreaded act to ever be considered. As I now summon Barry Bee Benson."

Barry Bee Benson appeared and I was all, "Why are we talking about Bee Movie now?"

Patrick said, "To created the great moment that will destroy Sonic. As a support card I now summon Phil Matibag. Together they now create an AVI file that is titled, "The Nutshack theme but every time it says Nutshack it instead has a dramatic reading of the script of Bee Movie...... In my voice!"

I was weirded out but asked, "But that is only like sixteen times that Bee Movie gets read which is the same number of walls that Deadpool fourth walls."

Patrick grinned after he said, "So it is. But after those 16 readings, Elise and all your daughters will feel their balls drop and then NextGenShipping will become a yaoi pairing! After that it will inflict preggers on Sonic.xlb and his blue balls will burst to give birth to Sonic.soe who will be the key to unlocking Sonic.exe into the real world!"

After that Patrick span away on his Galaxy Pegasis while vomiting hyperrealistic vomit all over the Soleanna halls. I told Sonic, "You didn't tell me there would be a catch to going here you blue-balled faggot!"

Sonic told me, "Number one, I'm not a faggot yet. Number two, I didn't say there wasn't. And number three, fuck you."

I told him, "But I want to see you fuck Elise. Not me."

Sonic got all angry and hyperrealistic when he told me, "Yeah well if you don't want me to have the preggers then we have to stop that AVI file."

I was all, "But I don't know how to play Yu-Gi-Oh!. I like the subtitled version of the show, not the crappy dub, but I don't know how to play the game."

Sonic cursed his misfortune when he said, "And I thought I was about to summon someone competent! Damn. I must find someone who can help me."

I tried to ask, "But what if I can? You had to have summoned me for a reason."

He went all, "So it must be. Very well. I am here to tell you what you must do. You must be the head of a Voltron robot where we will defeat Patrick Star's evil plan."

I warned him, "But we can't do that. We'll be ripping off some other way better source material of some kind. I don't think we even have much of a budget to afford that thing anyway."

Sonic got all, "For shits sake if I really have to. Fine, we shall instead go all Captain Planet and have to combine our powers to summon one of the few who can ever defeat Patrick. Only once we find the other three people will we be able to defeat Patrick.

I asked, "Who are the other three people?"

Sonic used his cellphone when he called Tails to ask, "Tails, who are the three people we got to find?"

Tails said, "The other three people are people who have never been featured in a pasta before. First we must find Makoto Ito, then we find Ashley Graham. Then we find...... Me!"

I was all, "Okay Tails, can you tell us where you are right now?"

Tails said, "I'm in the closet right now but I don't even know where that is."

Sonic asked, "Please tell me you're not stuck in the mop again."

Tails said, "No I'm busy right now and I got to finish this call."

I had to tell Sonic, "Damn. How are we going to find Tails now?"

Sonic said, "I better grab my stuff from the closet because there is plenty of time and my sword from Sonic and the Black Knight won't be enough." Sonic opened the broom closet where he revealed the third hottest scene I had ever seen in my whole life. Tails was giving it hard to Big the Cat while Cream the Rabbit was wearing a strap-on and doing Tails just as hard.

Big asked, "Hi Sonic. Have you come to join us?"

Sonic threw Cream off of Tails's ass when he said, "Tails, we need you to help summon a force to defeat Patrick."

Tails said, "Okay Sonic. But first I need some help. My dick is just too big and it can't squeeze out of Big's asshole."

Big turned around when he asked, "Did you forget the vaseline again Tails?"

Tails was, "Yeah but you keep saying it's best dry."

I said, "Maybe we should just take them both so that we don't have to look for Makoto Ito."

Sonic pulled them out of the closet when he asked, "Sure but what do we still need Ashley Graham for?"

I said, "If we're going to be the Planeteers then we will need at least one female to be accurate. Even though Tails and Big already take up the two guys for our group along with us."

That was when Big gave me the biggest surprise I had ever seen. He looked at me with giant Q-cup breasts when he said, "I just had a sex change operation. So technically you didn't see any yaoi."

I'm here going, "Damn it to fuck I got the biggest boner killer. At least once we get the place where Ashley Graham is we'll be able to recruit her and begin our journey to defeat Patrick's AVI. We should only have about 15 readings to go before Elise becomes a man."

Sonic said, "We gotta go fast. I know just the place where we can find her too."

Tails asked, "Is the plot twist that Elise was Ashley all along?"

I told Tails, "I'm not M. Night Shamalamadingdong. I'm a way better writer than that."

Sonic said, "That is why we must search further into this Xbox 360 by entering the Resident Evil 4.lib file."

It all made perfect sense! When I preordered Resident Evil 6 Archives for my console I got Resident Evil 4. If I could just find that game I would be able to find Ashley Graham and stop the AVI curse. I told Tails, "Tell us how we can get there and we will get there."

Tails said, "It's easy. We just need to go to the Xbox dashboard and then we chant the password by reading the lyrics to Blue da ba dee......... Backwards!"

It made sense again! Zombies eat bodies if what my dad told me was true then somebody would eat the body and hide it. I forget if it was the other way around or if I said that right. Me, Sonic, Tails and Big got together on the Xbox dashboard where we sang Blue da ba dee backwards and like if someone was actually playing my console, we were taken to the start screen for Resident Evil 4. Since this was Resident Evil 4 HD though, the graphics were all in HD like a more realistic looking version of the PS2 version.

It looked all so real that I thought I was in a video game but then I heard gunshots. Somebody was shooting zombies unless they learned how to shoot guns. I lead ahead of the others when I said, "I've played this game almost ten times over guys. We can master this great." We made our way to Pueblo where Leon Kennedy was taking on the Chainsaw Maniacs like a total boss and I was all, "How is Leon able to walk and shoot when I'm not even playing the game?"

Leon broke the fourth wall when he told me, "Because I am the Leon from another game entirely. I am Leon.don!"

That was when a Chainsaw Maniac came in and warned him with a chainsaw that he was going to cut Leon into complete ribbons! Or so I thought when Big and Tails rushed in front of them. When that happened the Chainsaw Maniac sawed the dick stuck in Big's ass as it spewed out a motherfucking fuckton of hyperrealistic blood. This was the really cool scene until I saw Tails remove the strap-on beneath him when he thanked, "Thanks Jorge. I thought we would never get that off."

The Chainsaw Maniac answered, "Solo recuerda que me debes una mierda gratis cuando regreses. Lo quiero duro y crudo en mi boca."

Before I could let Tails get all wet for this I told him, "The fuck. No motherfucking dildo strap-on has hyperrealistic blood in it. We're not on an Adult Swim cartoon."

Tails was right when he said, "It's my new invention. Unfortunately now it's lost in Big's ass so there goes that."

Sonic got back to lead us when he said, "Okay Leon. We need to find Ashley Graham so we can form the planeteers and save the console. We only have about 14 readings of the Bee Movie script to go before it all goes to the red ring." I was confused when I asked, "When did the stakes get that high? I thought it was to stop Elise from becoming a man." Sonic told me, "Doesn’t it make sense to you Johnny? My canon built on your fanon is what keeps this console we live in but if Elise becomes a guy then this console will red ring and we will never be together. Even worse my blue balls will burst."

I understood everything. I was in serious crisis mode when I heard that because it meant that everything I cared about would be lost forever and ever and ever and ever. I now understand what I must do and I must help Leon find Ashley Graham. I didn't really understand how it would work though so I was kind of confused. Sonic told me, "It's all a really simple process."

About a reading of the Bee Movie script later I now got why it was. We all made a rush to the church where Ashley Graham is supposed to be kept and the graveyard actually managed to be even more hyperrealistic than the blood from earlier somehow. The graves were all there buried and something there just plain shocked me. It was the name of every Sonic hater on the face of the planet Earth. Whether it was Black Buster Critic, Nostalgia Critic, Angry Video Game Nerd, you name him and he was buried here.

"Sonic, aren't these all the people who hate you?"

He told me after laughing a high-pitched Kefka laugh, "Yes. I kill all my haters. That is why they are all dead in the real world."

I was all, "that's pretty cool. So I think Ashley Graham should be in that church up ahead. That is usually where she is kept anyway. I hope nothing else has changed in this console."

Tails had a long strap-on attached when he said, "According to my boner radar she should still be there. I think I'm getting this thing erect because Leon is supposed to want to bone her hard."

Tails was right. I shipped Leon with Ashley and I want to see them get it on Marvin Gaye style. So if I was right then I would have to find her in that one cabinet closet. When we opened the doors though we saw something really weird. It was an Ogroman from Resident Evil 6 holding Ashley in mid-air and prepared to swallow her whole in its vagina. Ashely was all helpless as she screamed, "Help me Leon! Leon help me!"

Sonic realized, "That thing is trying to scissor Ashley! We have to stop it!"

I was like, "I'm all for yuri but this isn't going to work out."

Big told us, "It's clear that thing just needs a man inside it. Or what only a man can give at least." So Big pulled off Tails's strap-on and threw it head first towards the vagina of the Ogroman. It fit in like a proton torpedo into the Death Star exhaust port.

The Ogroman yelled up to the ceiling of the monastery and yelled before Leon took out a rocket launcher. He pointed the rocket at its abdomen and said, "Someone call Kevin James because here comes the boom!"

The Ogroman blew up and rained hyperrealistic blood to where it got all over everything. Leon shook himself dry before running over to Ashley to ask, "Ashley are you okay?"

She said, "Thanks Leon."

Sonic said, "That's everybody. Now we can all form the planeteers to defeat Patrick."

I told him, "She's' not ready though. First I want to see my RE shipping go all rule 34."

Leon tore off his shirt to reveal his 24 pack abs to say, "I didn't save her for nothing." He pounced on Ashley and shoved his man schlong into her hymen.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Ashley screamed as she started to get an orgasm. Then another reading of the Bee Movie script later

Ashley came off of Leon now nine months pregnant. I paid the Merchant a peso when he handed me his camera and said, "Heh heh. Thank you."

I then said, "Now we are ready. We will now fight Patrick Star wherever he is."

Tails said, "That will be easy. All we need to do now is meet him in his Spongebob's Surf & Skate Roadtrip.lnx file and we will finally face him. We just need to solve the riddle of getting in there. We need to find out this answer - If we're discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it's not raining outside after we gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do?"

That was when I answered, "Everybody has seen the lost episode version of Imitation Krabs from the Krab Kakes creepypasta.'

Ashley was like, "What did they say?"

I said, "They said, "We watch the Bee Movie in reverse!"

Sonic was relieved when he said, "Good thing I have Bee Movie on my 8K Bluray setup. In 2020 it will be the first movie to be released on that format."

So we all went to SOnic's palace again and watched Bee Movie in reverse as we took in how the movie almost looked like it was reaching hyperrealistic levels. Another reading of the Bee Movie script had gone and we were all on the Beach level Seaweed Alley while riding surfboards. We were just surfing along before we saw Patrick appear in front of us and spoke in his Dan motherfucking Green voice, "Welcome challengers! You have all gathered here in that you may challenge me to save this Xbox 360 from being sent to the shadow realm!"

I went all, "Ugh! My weakness! That stupid shadow realm concept! Damn you all to hell 4Kids!"

Sonic reminded me, "We're here to defeat him! Don't let his power overwhelm us!"

That was when Tails said, "Then let our powers combine!"

I stopped them when I asked, "Hey who said Tails could be Kwame?"

Sonic said, "I did." Damn. And I wanted to be the leaders of these guys. Oh well, I just have to do what Tails says.

Tails called, "Earth!"

Big called, "Wind!"

Sonic called, "Fire!" Those three changed the background music and the game's background had "Let's Groove Tonight" playing in the scene.

It kept up until Ashley called, "Water! Ow! My water broke!"

And I was the most useful guy who said, "Heart!" Then we blew the game's entire budget on the summoning only to find that it wasn't Captain Planet who arrived. It was a being far more powerful and intimidating. So intimidating that the "The Gigantic Titan" song from the Attack on Titan soundtrack played. It was the gayest mother fucker in the Universe himself. Drew Motherfucking Pickles.

He announced his arrival by telling us all in his speakonia voice, "By your fucked up powers combined, it is I Drew Pickles. The gayest mother fucker who has ever had a spot on TV. I will now proceed to fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum jizz. In my pants. You are all at my mercy as I proceed to rape you in every orifice you have never known before with my 69,696,969 mile cock. You will never know mercy and you will be crying harder than baby Dill when I pulled out every hair from his bald ass head with super glue and pissed on his milk bottle."

Patrick wasn't intimidated though when he said, "Ha! You believe that Drew Pickles is enough to defeat me?I will have you know that I in fact know his very weakness! For every reading of the Bee Movie script that was read you have been stuck inside this console for that long. Which means that it is now four o'clock in the morning. That's right. I summon... Chocolate Pudding!"

All around us the chocolate pudding began to flood the level. It was astonishing how it all looked so realistic. Like hyperrealistic. Even worse it got all over Drew Pickles who screamed, "Yeowch! I did not sign up to be assaulted by having my precious fucking fock drenched in fucking pudding. You guys think I'll waste another fucking step in this fucking shit then your brains are truly fucked up. I am done with this act and I will be fucking in my fucking trailer. Fuck you all."

It was hopeless. How could we hope to defeat Patrick now?

That was when I asked, "That does it Patrick. I challenge you to the hardest game you will ever face. I am thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What is it?"

Patrick said, "Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! 25! That number is funny!"

I pointed to him saying, "And I have thought of something even funnier than 25! 26!!!"

Patrick rofled off his Pegasis Galaxy top and into the pudding. I thought we had won but then he rose up from the hot chocolate substance as the super monstrosity. He was the most super ultra high definition hyperrealistic abomination I had ever seen, something that made all of the creatures from the movie Avatar look like they were the first pieces of computer animation ever made. So realistic in fact it looked even more realistic than reality itself!

He was ready to swallow all of us like the whale scene from Finding Nemo but then I was smart. I took my snickers bar and threw it into the gaping jaws of the pink monstrosity. Then Patrick suddenly shrank all the way back to his original form and floated happily in the chocolate pudding. Tails was amazed when he asked, "How did you know that would work?"

I told Tails, "Because everyone likes chocolate."

We all kept surfing before we made our way back to Sonic's castle where Elise and the seven kids were no longer being subjected to hearing the script of Bee Movie being read to them. Sonic told me, "Thank you. Because of you the canon fanon is forever sanctified and my blue balls have been saved."

I was happy when I said, "That's great. I should probably go home now though. I have school to go to."

Sonic said, "I will accept your request to go home. But remember that we are now the Avengers of your console. In that we are now a multi-billion dollar movie franchise."

I was all, "Okay. I'll just be sure to show up for the sequel."

So I stepped out of my Xbox 360 to see a new dashboard appear. Sonic, Tails, Big, and Ashley were all in the background and next to Elise and Sonic's children. All was now right with my Xbox 360 and I could enjoy my games in peace.

That is why I'm telling you this story guys. To show you my theory on my NextGenShipping is canon. It is what keeps Sonic.exe from entering our world and keeping everything safe. For this reason we need to make as much fanfiction and fanart as possible so that the world is never invaded by evil. In the meantime, I'm going to play my new game on my Xbox 360, the last Xbox Live Arcade game for the 360 ever made. I'm playing Ashley's Baby Delivery.