Mario.exe (Sonic.exe's rip-off)

I was cleaning my house when I opened one closet, I found my old NES. I was so happy that I had still NES, but I had no games!!! I searched on Ebay, nothing, Amazon, nothing... After I checked all these pages, none of them had NES games. I went to local gameshop, and I asked if they had some NES games. It was my lucky day, they had some! I bought Mega Man, The Legend of Zelda for $10 and then I saw Super Mario bros. cartridge!!! It had the sticker but someone had written with marker '.exe', and the man said 'Take it for free, please!!!' I was so clicheidly stupid and took it.

I decided to play Super Mario Bros. or in this case Super Mario Bros.exe first. It immediately showed the main menu but something was odd. Instead of '1 player game' and '2 player game' it showed '1 Mario' and '2 Luigi' and Mario looked like as if he had taken mushroom before. I pressed '1 Mario' but it refused. I pressed it few more times, again nothing. So I pressed '2 Luigi' and it accepted.

Before the screen blacked, in a split second I saw something clicheidly scary. Super Mario Bros. logo was splattered in blood, Time had the word 'KILLLLL', The 1985 Nintendo was 666 Nintendo, the sky had bloody-red fog, hill and bush were on fire, '1 Mario' was now '1 Immortal' and '2 Luigi' was '2 He must dead'. What made my pants to be changed was Mario whose colours were dull and he had no eyes and he cried blood. Hey, no worries, that happens when you play .exe games!!!

When it blacked, it showed Super Luigi and 'X 5' only. I started the 1-1 world. The song was a little bit faster. I went forward but I couldn't break bricks and '?' blocks. There were no enemies, I couldn't access the pipes and the level was shorter. The timer showed 000 but I was still going. When I reached to the flagpole and it was too far and too small so I jumped down and I saw him, Mario!!! He laughed with the voice that seems to impossible for NES. He went towards Luigi with the torch but stopped at the entrance of the castle and burned it. Mario disappeared, sky turned into red and Toads were on fire screaming. Spikes were falling from the sky and I wasn't fast enough to I died. I repeated the level and now I was fast enough to reach the pipe. Then the message appeared 'Hello, Luigi. I want to play with you.'

I entered the 1-2 world. The song wasn't the underground theme. It was some creepy-soft music. When I landed, I saw dead Toad. His head and limbs were torn off and there were HYPER-REALISTIC blood!!! After I crossed through more Toad's corpses, Mario ran up very fast. There was a pit and I thought that I had to die. And did I? NO!!! I landed on lower floor and after I passed through Toad's corpse, there was a green suspicious-looking mushroom. Since I was clicheidly stupid, I ate it. Luigi started to cough realistic, TOO REALISTIC FOR NES!!! He vomited the mushroom, and then a blood. He died, but not like in original SMB. He lied on the floor with his head in bloody vomit. I restarted the level and the further I went, more mushrooms appeared. When I dropped to even lower floor, Mario suddenly appeared. There were some purple cycles appearing and disappearing. Spikes were coming and I dodged all of them except one. 'DAMN IT!!!' I screamed.When I dodged all the spikes, there was Toad, alive. But he transformed into Zombie and attacked me. I had to press 'F' button to struggle out, just like in 'Resident Evil 4'. Toad was then decapitated. I entered the pipe and the message appeared and said: 'That, which waits for you on the lock will soon leave. Hasten...? WTF?!

And I reached the 1-3 world. The sky was pitch black and I could hear demonic laugh. There was message described in blood. It said: 'Hello, Luigi. I want to play with you. Are you ready?' There were platforms like in regular 1-3 World. Another message in blood said: 'Rules are simple: you should not fall, differently you will die.' But I fell. Luigi died. His body parts were shattered everywhere!!! I continued onward again. And another  message: 'Remember, Luigi, time you in a hell count only on a devil.' Later, I saw devil drawn in bloody-red colour and a message with one word: Jump. I jumped down with another message: Has seen? The devil wants to help you to... To help what!!!??? Anyways, I thought that I was going to circles as devil appeared and the last message was finished: Has seen? The devil wants to help you to your own death! I crapped a brick so I was back after 20 minutes!!! When I reached the devil image, I jumped further, and I landed on brick floor and proceeded to the castle and got greeted with message: (Damnit!!! How many messages does this game have?!?!?!) 'Luigi, look back.' I returned to the edge on the brick floor. Mario was there and Peach who had shocked expression!!! Mario laughed and pushed Peach. She screamed too impossible for NES!!! ALRIGHT, WHO DA HELL MESSED UP WITH THIS GAME?!?!?! She died with HYPER-REALISTIC blood splatter!!! Back up, Mario decapitated Luigi. I repeated the level and I jumped to avoid decatitation. I went to the castle and the message changed: You're NEXT! There was message when I entered the castle: 'Has come your turn. Damn, this hack is way too cliched.

With one life left, I was in 1-4 World. Demonic song was heard. It showed satanic symbols. It went to static. DAMN YOU, STATIC!!! Another symbol and static, Again. Then after a long static, HYPER-REALISTIC BLOOD was everywhere!!! Mario was there. I touched him and he disappeared in blood-red fog. The fog filled the castle and it was gone. Mario was coming after me with a blade. I jumped, but he jumped and killed Luigi!!! Blood was shown on the black background. The demonic song started and it showed Mario with red eyes and HYPER-REALISTIC blood on him!!! Toad's head was hanging on the wall with the blade and Luigi's head was stabbed on anothers blade!!! In a blood background there was a message written with blood: 'GAME OVER'.

I screamed! I pulled put the cartridge and somebody whispered behind me: What-a are-a you-a going-a to-a do-a a-a now-a, punk-a?! He was there just like in GAME OVER screen. He said: You-a are-a going-a to-a the-a hell-a with-a me-a!!! I YELLED: NEVER!!! I took my mallet and smashed the cartridge. Mario screamed in agony: NOO-A!!! I lit the reamins on the fire until it was nothing but a melted plastic. Mario yelled: It's-a not-a over-a yet-a!!! and disappeared.

I was delighted since I had destroyed the satanic SMB cartridge. Suddenly, I heard knocking in my closet. I opened it... AND THEN A SKELETON WITH FANCY GOLDEN HAT POPPED OUT!!!

(This is Sonic.exe's rip-off because the original was poorly written and too stupid. I added at least some humour in this rip-off. You either liked it or hated it. You are going to choose.)