Sonic Unleashed: Dead Edition

I'm a total Sonic the Hedgehog fan much like everyone else, I like the newer games, because I'm a fan of Sonic games, but I don't mind playing the classics, because I'm a fan of Sonic games. I don't think I've ever played glitchy or hacked games before, though I don't think I want to play any after the experience I had…

It started on a nice summer afternoon, I was playing Sonic Unleashed (because much like everyone else, I'm a Sonic the Hedgehog fan) until I noticed, out of my peripheral vision, that the mailman had arrived and put something in my mailbox as his eyes bled hyperrealistically and left.

I suddenly realized that I didn't care and continued playing. After a few weeks, I had finally made it to the final boss of the game, Perfect Dark Gaia. I thought I was ready, but nothing could prepare me for what happened next. I tried to attack it using the Super Sonic Boost, but it dodged them almost every time. I mashed the buttons furiously with my Dorito-encrusted fingers, but it was no use. I was losing health quickly, while the Perfect Dark Gaia remained relatively unharmed. This fight was hard; almost unnaturally difficult. It was as if the game could read my thoughts, and was predicting my every move. I thought to myself 'Don't be ridiculous, that only happens in bad Sonic creepypastas', which I read all the time, because I'm a BIG Sonic fan. I then thought to myself about the totally hot Sonic futanari inflation porn I saw earlier, because like I said earlier, I'm a total Sonic the Hedgehog fan.

Big mistake.

Because I was thinking about Sonic inflating (because like I said earlier, I am a really, really, REALLY big Sonic fan), I lost focus on the game, which allowed the Perfect Dark Gaia to deal a blow that killed me. Sonic reverted back to his regular form and he fell onto one of the floating rocks. I was expecting it to just bring me back to the last checkpoint, but that didn't happen...

Instead, a cutscene started playing. It was like the previous ones, only something was a bit... off. Maybe it was the slightly choppier animation, the more detailed textures, or the fact that Sonic had no eyes and was laying in a big puddle of hyperrealistic blood, I'm not really sure. Whatever it was, something about it just rubbed me the wrong way. Then, I heard a noise. A terrible, horrible noise that really sends shivers down your spine and shocks your soul. It was my mother, yelling at me to take all the Mountain Dew bottles out of my room. I told her to go suck on a lime, and then she came into my room and started screaming about how "I'm 40 years old and need to get a job already" or some crap. Reluctantly, I lifted my 300 pound body off of the floor and started carrying my bottles over to the trash can, but I couldn't stop thinking about the game. I NEEDED to know what was happening and why (because I am a HUGE Sonic fan, perhaps the biggest Sonic fan in existence), so I dropped all the bottles in the living room and ran back to my television.

 I will never forget what happened next.

 Something started slicing into the Perfect Dark Gaia, or more accurately, out of it. It screamed and writhed in agony as a long knife penetrated its flesh. Hyperrealistic blood poured out of its every orifice, and its entrails fell into the lava below. This went on for some time, so I frantically searched for the box the game came in, looking for some answer to this madness. I realized that the box art was different from the normal Sonic Unleashed box art. Sonic had no eyes; being replaced with a big, empty cavity with blood dripping down onto his face. The title was also different. Instead of "Sonic Unleashed", the box said "Sonic Unleashed: Dead Edition".

I was astounded at the fact that the box just spoke to me. So much so, that I almost forgot about the gruesome, gory cutscene. I looked back over to the TV, and I saw a strange figure jump out of the boss's carcass. It was not any character from the game that I knew of. Instead, this figure was tall, yellow, and had a pink bottom and a crazed expression on his face. He almost looked like a giant pencil. 'Could this be Satan himself?' I thought to myself, because I'm also a total Satan fan much like everyone else.

 The strange pencil-like figure landed on the rock that Sonic fell onto, his shoes now drenched in Sonic's blood. With his dying breath, Sonic asked "Who...who are you?" The figure replied, "Call me Woody."

 "WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILD WOODY!"

The pencil like figure used his eraser to erase Sonic, while Sonic screamed and begged for mercy, but to no avail. Soon, Sonic was no more. Only the pencil-like figure apparently known as Wild Woody.

Turn back now if you're faint of heart or have a sensitive stomach, because if you thought this was terrifying, you haven't seen anything yet. I had also thought this was the end of this madness. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

The cutscene stopped, and the familiar loading screen appeared. Soon enough, Sonic was back where he started before the boss battle. Everything appeared normal, but what Sonic said after he respawned is something I will never forget. This line will follow me relentlessly in my nightmares, my eveningmares, my morningmares, and my every waking moment. Every time I fall asleep, I hear him saying it. Every time I close my eyes, I hear him saying it. Every waking moment of my life, I can hear him saying this god awful, wretched, repulsive, horrifying, disgusting, absolutely abhorrent line:

"Mama mia, I got fucking killed!"

My heart sank like a lead balloon. I was a big Sonic the Hedgehog fan, and never in my 40 years of playing video games for 20 hours a day would I have ever imagined that Sonic the Hedgehog, my childhood idol, would swear. Not even in my worst, gut-wrenchingly, hideously horrible nightmares would I have ever dreamed that my one true hero would use such foul profanity. How the developers of this game thought it would be okay to use such naughty no-no words befuddles me. How could they be so morally bankrupt? Whatever the reason for this, I realized that having experienced this, life would never be the same as it once had. I realized there was no other option than to take my own life. Then, all of this will be out of my life, along with eveything else. I hope that the person who decided to have Sonic swearing in this game is rotting in the same H Double Hockey Sticks that I'm going to. Dad, I love you. Mom, now I won't be a burden anymore. Kevin from school, for the last time, FUTANARI IS NOT GAY, and stop showing everyone my DeviantArt, you piece of crap. Goodbye, everyone.

Did I mention I'm a huge Sonic fan?