I'm a Mushroom Farmer and I Feel Like Rambling for a Bit

Okay, so before you ask, yes, mushroom farming is a real profession. Yes, I do get teased about it at family gatherings. And whatever mushroom jokes you can think of, chances are I've already heard it.

So with that out of the way, let's begin. As a child, I was very introverted. I got bullied a lot. The bullying wasn't especially horrible compared to how it is in the 90s movies, but it still made me hate school on top of the fact that I wasn't a very good student.

My only source of solice for much of my childhood was retreating to the library and reading books. I especially liked stories about medieval fantasy and aliens.

As I got older, the bullying became less frequent, and by junior year of high school I was a popular football player.

You're probably wondering what all this has to do with my creepy experience as a mushroom farmer. Well, I promise I'll get to that by the end of this.

but first you're probably wondering what exactly mushroom farming entails. Well there are two types of mushroom farming, industrial scale and freelance. I'm a freelance mushroom farmer, i.e. self-employed. Basically all you have to do is buy a cave or an old dank cellar, fill it with moldy wood, and pump water down there now and then.

It's a pretty mundane job that doesn't get too exciting, but it has its moments and it pays well, unfortunately the job also has a dark side. And no, I'm not talking about magic mushrooms.

There's, well, a legend, actually a sort of creepy well known fact among mushroom farmers. All mushroom farmers learn of it sooner or later, but few are ever willing to talk about it, even with family members.

It's well known that fairies are often associated with mushrooms in folklore. What most people don't know is that mushroom fairies are real. At least, sort of.

The fairies aren't cute like Tinkerbell or the fairies from Fantasia. They are hideous creatures that really look more like big roaches.

Sometimes, a mushroom farmer will wake up in his bed and find it surrounded by a ring of glowing mushrooms. the mushroom fairies will be chanting an eerie chant in a language that can't be understood by humans.

I've never personally had this happen to me, but I have several close friends in local mushroom farming circles that have. They are never the same again once it happens.

Even now I'm uneasy about posting this. It's an inside secret that we mushroom farmers aren't supposed to talk about to civilians. But I feel I should warn people: if you ever decide to become a mushroom farmer, just consider what you are getting yourself into.

Written by HopelessNightOwl