Two Crappypastas by One Person

Administrator's Note: Thank you to Jared for these two "unpublished" Crappypastas. According to him these stories were written by the same person.

A Bird In The Bathtub
8:44 a.m

This morning I went to the bathroom and saw a bird in the bathtub. A dead bird, still like a statue, looking lifeless. I bet you don’t see that everyday. I will admit, it was a really interesting way to start off the morning, and it was probably a sign that the whole today would be strange yet satisfying.

I have a party invite tonight at my friends house. It’s a pool party, so i’m going to need to get a swimsuit and set up a music playlist, since that’s what the party host told me to do. All of the guests would also have to bring some type of snack to share for everybody. I’m bringing red velvet cupcakes that I bought from the store the other day. Red velvet is such an underrated flavor, am I right?

5:17 p.m

I just packed my bag with everything I was going to bring. Towel? Check. Red velvet cupcakes? Check. Extra pair of clothes for after? Check. And of course my phone because I wouldn’t be able to give o anywhere without it, and I also wouldn’t be able to play the music!

7:34 p.m

I’m currently at the party and we’re having a blast! My best friend Adam has hecka abs, and this girl named Janice looked so hot in her bathing suit. People were dancing to the music I picked out, while others dived into the water. We were all having a great time.

8:14 p.m

This is not a joke. The pool is getting stained with red as Adam’s body floats above the water. Cops have been called. A few guests have left the scene already because they were terrified when they saw what was going on.

I made the red velvet cupcakes have a melted texted because I personally think melted cakes taste way better. It looked like everyone was responsible for the crime since the red coloring of the treat was stained onto their arms and hands.

Then I looked at the speakers. The music that was playing was a grim, haunting sound that would normally be played in a funeral. I timed that perfectly since I was the one who set up the playlist. I made sure that music would play at that specific time, and it did.

So as I looked at Adam’s lifeless body I just couldn’t help but chuckle. It was like a bird in the bathtub.

The Buffet
My baby Stephanie is constantly starving. The poor, 8 year old girl has to suffer watching her three brothers feast, day by day. And what’s worse is that my husband and I constantly let it happen. We always feed our three boys, but what about poor Stephanie? I know the answer to that question, and it’s something my husband will be unable to digest.

I have a surprise for Stephanie. She’ll be exhilarated when she comes home from school tomorrow. But for now i’ll go back to serving my three boys.

“Mommy, can we go to the buffet tomorrow?” Stephanie told me with a frown and tears in her eyes as I would get the boys meal ready.

“Not now darling”, I responded to her. “Go back to your room before the boys see you.”

I know for a fact that my three boys and my husband don’t like Stephanie. When they see her they insult her for being female and hurt her, giving her bruises, and making blood spill from her mouth. I know they only like me because they think i’m useful, cleaning the house, serving them food, and basically anything a maid would do around the house.

To them i’m nothing but a maid.

The next day I picked up Stephanie from school. I had a huge surprise for her. As we parked the car in the driveway of our house, I took her hand and opened the door.

“Wow mommy!” She exclaimed. “You did this for me?”

“Of course I did!” I told her with joy. “You finally now get the buffet you’ve always been waiting for!”

I smiled happily as 8 year old Stephanie ran over to the boy’s bodies and started digging away, mouth stained red and her hands holding a silent heart.

I’m such a good mom. Always doing what’s best for my daughter.