Memoirs of the best fucking detective ever!

I was born in the middle of a Tuesday in the year 21XXX in the middle of the glorious New England Dick-Tatership, following the corporate takeover of everyone's sex life and the conversion of shotguns into Money. My mother was a prostitute with no asscheeks and a hyperrealistic, talking uvula. My father could have been anyone the guy who insisted he was my dad, to the guy who invented WWII or Herpies or whatever, to Slenderman to Chuck Norris' evil love child that he secretly keeps in Area 51. (It's totally fucking true! TRU AH TELLS YER!) My childhood was normal. Every Sunday, we would wear our swing wings and walk around town, using them to kill the local cripples and Orphans. Why? Because fuck the damn freeloading hippies. We all know they secretly worship the Devil incarnate. My family were, of course, Sane worshippers of the lord and devourer Cthulu and even now I pray he'll eat me first so I don't have time to ponder my own worthlessness. Everything else from my childhood is essentially meaningless to the plot. In college, I smoking a literal metric ton of weed while eating a fresh Peyote salad watching reruns of this British show about a French dude called Parrot or whatever. The next day, I ate the world's hottest most hyperrealistic taco and created the world's first mountain of bloody diarrhoea, killing everyone inside, but since they were all openly racist and probably rich and inbred with snake noses and enormous asses, it was probably ok.

It was then that the ghosts of King Leonidas, Ronald Mc Donald and Shrek the mighty destroyer of asses pulled me out of the wreckage and told me to become a detective. I never looked back. One day, as I and my close friend, Pill Cosby were snorting glorious crack off each other's cocks, we caught wind. After getting aroused by that, we heard how those evilest and ominous of criminals, Tony the Tiger (Those goddamn, motherfuckin' furries), Jeffrey Dahmer and my next door neighbour who keeps telling me about his fucking inverted double, bleeding COCK, had been spotted going on an airzooka shooting spree around the area known only as New Jersey. The Shooting Dildo capital of New England. You may not know this, but those four, minions of the great and powerful god stoner Shaggy, are the cause for every horrible thing in your life. Rent too damn high? It's then. Vegans protesting outside your favourite restaurant? Them. That time your Mom and dad beat you with a belt made you blame it on falling down the stairs and then kept drinking and crying into the toilet? Them. Always. Fucking. Them.

We jumped into my pimped out Yugo, and peace'd the fuck out of my fabulous and not at all compensating for a small dick estate of gold and Orphan bones. Of course, til sharpen are fucking amazing brains, we drank Sonic.Exe brand Beer, brewed in the warm blood of the innocent, and we smoked the best fucking shrooms we could buy with Etherium. Yeah, bitcoin never made it. Get THAT through your head without killing yerself, Phuckers!) We searched the street night after day. Taking no Bullshit from anyone. If they even looked at us or asked if we wanted help, We'd shove a baseball bat up their asses until they needed diapers fur life! Soon tho, Thanks to our informant, Dr. Robotnik's shit stained underwear and Fluttershy, we discovered where they were at. The old abandoned Toys R Us in the middle of the bad side of the other bad side of the other OTHER bad side of the...


 * bitchslap*

Anyway, once we got inside, we totally fucked up all of the goons and cut their balls off with a blowtorch. Totally happened. And there they were. The fuckers who'd killed my parents by inventing McDonald's. As we stared them down, Tony and Mr Rodgers spoke up creepily, The latter first, then the former.

It's a beautiful day for US, neighbour!

And your gonna get Rrrrrraped!"

This was our chance. We jogged at them, yodelling, with our mighty, ornate, penis shaped, Hammer of fate and rubber in our left and right hands, and toting huge, fucking sawn-off AK-47s in the free ones. We laughed heroically, pissing ourselves as we let loose a shower of lead death upon our enemies, and their children, and our children's children and their children and their fucking little dog too! On that day, without a god damned doubt, I was the most awesome detective in the whole god damned world! I know, because Cthulu himself looked down on me and smiled and said. ''Yup. I'm gon' make you mah woman.'' I was happy, complete....Freeeeee~

So, with all that in mind....why the hell have I been locked up in a federal prison for life for rape, murder, sexual assault, multiple homicides, Malicious Mischief, Cyber Bullying, Public intoxication/Indecency and spoiling Avengers: Endgame, along with some drunken, back war vet with some fucker in a white coat pulling half our skeletons out through our poopers? He says it's for the Pubic Saftey or some bullshit like that, but I just don't get it. If anyone knows what the hell is going on, like for example, why the sky is now blue instead of plaid and filled with dragons that dance like Carlton from Fresh Prince and reveal the best piss you ever had to everyone...well, just feel free to let me know. I'd do it myself but, I think I'm being slightly killed....BRB.