Shrek 5: The Shrekoning

This pasta was written by whatsit88 and Justin Menard.

Me and my friend were at my friend's house, and we were choosing a movie. I saw in the movie collection movies I liked. I then got to the S sections. I saw all the Shrek movies there, but I noticed. There was one extra. It said Shrek 5: The Shrekoning.

The first thing odd about it was that the cover didn't have Donkey, Fiona, Puss or anyone. It was just a picture of Shrek roaring. The picture of Shrek roaring looked like it was glued to a white piece of paper. The other odd thing was that the name "Shrek 5: The Shrekoning" was written in permanent marker.

I asked where my friend got the DVD. He told me he didn't know. Since we are both huge Shrek fans, we chose to watch it. At first, it started with the title card. It said "Shrek 5: The Shrekoning" in CGI. Then, an axe cut the title in half. The green in the title turned red. That made me jump.

Next, the camera zoomed out. It showed Shrek holding an axe with blood on it. I was surprised that I saw blood in a Shrek movie, but the original Shrek had Shrek get shot with an arrow, so I wasn't that shocked. Shrek walked to a village and kept slicing people in half with an axe. The blood in the scene looked really realistic.

People tried to grab torches and pitchforks, but Shrek chopped off their heads with axes. Shrek went near one person and kept swinging his axe at him. His victim wasn't onscreen, but blood was splattering every time he swung. Then, Shrek grabbed a flamethrower and said "AH WEE GON HAF A WEE TAH HAF A FOON TEIM LADS" and turned the flamethrower on, and it burned people. I would have found this funny because of the one liner Shrek said, but that was pretty brutal. Next, because of the flamethrower, the village Shrek entered, was burning down. Shrek left the village while it was burning.

The next night in the movie, people came to Shrek's swamp with pitchforks and torches. Shrek opened the door with a tommy gun and said "This is my swamp!" Shrek shot people with the tommy gun, and then threw onions at the people that were still alive. The onions exploded. There was a green gas all around. Everyone was dead except Shrek. The dead people had bullet holes and some looked like they died of carbon monoxide. It was probably caused by the onions. Shrek looked at the camera and said "You're next..." And then punched the screen. The screen blacked out and I took out the disc. I put it back in the case. My friend was highly disturbed by it.

So my theory about it is this: I think that this takes place before the first Shrek. It's a prequel. The village people in Shrek 1 don't hate Shrek because he's an ogre. It's because he murdered many villagers and burned the village down, and that made everyone afraid of ogres.

Unlike most people, I didn't destroy the copy. My friend and I copied Shrek 5 onto another disc and sold the copy on eBay saying it was Shrek 1 to troll people. If you see Shrek 5: The Shrekoning, it's worth watching to get a good laugh.