Mountain Dew: Colorless Rainbow

I was the ultimate Mountain Dew fan. I had 999 life supplies of every single flavor. I have bought all of the Mountain Dew merchandise, including 999,999,999,999 t-shirts, 999,999,999,999 statues of all of their mascots, and I have even started a new religion that worshiped Mountain Dew as their primary deity (other deities include but are not limited to Bob Ross, Kyle from Sonic.exe, and the Noid).

But all that changed one day when I gathered up a team of me, Zach the Lego Maniac, Nuclear Man (from Superman IV), Smile Dog, and other Acolytes of the Dew to break into their main factory in Tennessee to steal more supplies of our god. If it wasn't for Nuclear Man's Lee Press on Nails of DEATH we wouldn't have been able to escape. But during our annual raid, we intercepted 66 bottles of something weird. A NEW FLAVOR! But the label was very... strange. It was a black color with Mountain Dew: Colorless Rainbow written on it in what looked like hyper-realistic blood. The list of ingredients listed only the following: demon blood, hopelessness, death sauce, hell smoke, and Nicholas Cage's sweat. This was absolutely blasphemous, as we all have COMPLETELY memorized the ingredients and nutrition facts of ALL mountain dew flavors. Also, the label said it was produced in Nessus, The Nine Hells of Baator rather than Tennessee. And the phone number for comments and stuff was 979-213-0100. We all assumed this was a glitch, but as soon as Smile Dog saw me write this, he asked me to write him out of the rest of the story, saying he "wanted absolutely nothing to do with this pile of crap". WHAT A JACKASS!

So, despite how threatening the label was, I decided to drink some of it. Nuclear Man did a face palm at my stupidity, and Zach started praying to Bob Ross to turn my stupidity into birds. It tasted a lot like what you'd get if you mixed nail-polish with human feces and marinated it with drain cleaner. In other words, it tasted like Moxy. After I licked the wall for 10 minutes straight to get the taste out of my mouth, some weird things started happening. Nuclear Man and Zach the Lego Maniac transformed into skeletons and both started doing the Russian Cossack Dance while a techno-remix of Spooky Scary Skeletons was playing in the background. Also, the walls started laughing like Spongebob does in the later seasons (a.k.a. his "ANNOYING AS BALLS" laugh).

I just stared at the psychosis happening in front of me, but eventually got in the beat and started dancing with the skeletons that were once my fellow acolytes. But as soon as that happened, a swarm of I Hate Everything's heads destroyed the roof of my house. They killed the two skeletons in a similar manner as a Metroid would in Samus' various games. I simply ran to avoid the British YouTuber heads, but as soon as I stepped outside of my house, the IHE heads said "Because movie" in unison with disinterested tones. When that happened, the fun techno-remix of Spooky Scary Skeletons came to an end and mutated into something far worse. It morphed into Falling in Reverse's cover of "Gangsta's Paradise" THE ABSOLUTE TERROR! Also, the sky above me started flashing like a seizure light, and the sun transformed into the disembodied head of Colonel Sanders! He must be the one commanding the I Hate Everything heads! As they were chasing me down, I yelled, "DURR PLANT!" at the top of my lungs. This caused them to cringe so hard that they imploded. Knowing what the disembodied heads of YouTubers dislike can really help you in your life!

When this happened, Colonel Sanders yelled, "DAMN YOU BILLIE RAE ARMSTRONG!!!1" As he did that, a giant Fred Durst bursted out of the sidewalk and started shooting lasers out of his eyes towards me. So I did what I did best, baby. And I ran. And I ran some more. But eventually I couldn't run because I was surrounded by glitchy Khajit from Oblivion. So Fred Durst almost caught up to me. Luckily, I was immune to his laser eyes because I drew upon the power of my inner Mary Sue. But then he started doing the unthinkable. He sang his band, Limp Bizkit's wretched cover of "Behind Blue Eyes". This caused me to bleed hyper-realistic blood. In fact, I bled so hyper-realistically that I turned into a crappy M.S. Paint drawing (and so did the blood). However, I activated my X-Factor and performed a Raging Demon on the giant Fred Durst. I am the ULTIMATE MARY-SUE! THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?!

Anyways, Colonel Sanders yelled, "GO TO HELL M.O.D.O.K.!!!1"  and started charging up a death star laser cannon. Luckily, I had enough Mary Sue power left to do a Shin Shoryuken. I was about to punch the giant Colonel Sanders head right in the bottom of his neck. Then the Mountain Dew: Colorless Rainbow wore off and it turned back into the sun. I then went flying into the sun and exploded into a billion-jillion pieces. Now I am in hell, where I am constantly tortured by being forced to watch the Emoji Movie 24/7 without rest. So, I warn you, if you see a new flavor of Mountain Dew, DON'T DRINK IT. OR ELSE THE SAME THING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU.

Update: It has since been discovered that Mountain Dew: Colorless Rainbow was just heavily concentrated LSD. The Mary Sue powers, however, were never explained. Most hypothesize that it is just shitty writing.

Written by Hyper-Realistic Mayonaise.