Like a bad neighbor StateFarm is not there!

"Like a good neighbor, StateFarm is there!" I shout that phrase every time I need help. It has worked every single time, but this time is different.. Let me tell you the story about how I died.

It was a beautiful Summer evening on the date October 13, 2013. The time was 13:13 (1:13 PM for you standard clock readers), and.. Oh, my.. My car broke down, and in the middle of the highway, too!! This was quite a dilemna, so I quickly pulled over to the side of the road. To my surprise, the car just wouldn't stop! It crashed through the guard rails, and was riding down a mountain. I screamed as the car started flipping and crashing as it continues its journey down the mountain. I looked at my back seat, and it was my dead grandma! She smiled at me, and her teeth.. Oh god, her teeth.. They were bright red, and covered with blood!! Did I also mention that her eyes were MISSING?! I screamed, and unbuckled myself. I jumped out the window, seemingly escaping from Grandma. I was crying on the ground, when BEN showed up in front of me! I threw up because it was scary and stuff. I tried to punch BEN, but my fist went right through him! After that happened, Squidward's Suicide, PATRIXXX and Happy Appy were running towards me! I pass out on the spot. When I woke up, it was around midnight, and.. I'm on the side of the highway? I looked behind me, to see my polished Corvette in perfect condition. Was that all a hallucination..? No, it can't be. I couldn't fix the car, so I tried to summon my old buddy, Jake.

"Like a good neighbor, StateFarm is there!" I shouted. The sky started to clear, and down from the Heavens came the one and only, Jake from StateFarm! He was so glorious looking, with his brand new Khakis. He even got a new haircut!

"What is it this time?" The Holy Angel, Jake, asked.

"My Corvette broke down, and I need money to fix it," I said.

"Mmmhmm.." Jake thought.

"Well, I'm afraid that I cannot do that at the moment," He said finally.

"What? Why?" I inquired. My voice was shaky when I asked that, because StateFarm never denies a request, just like a good neighbor.

"Well.. Let's just say that I spent all of the money on these brand new pairs of Khakis."

I was so furious. How could he do this, my hero? He is no longer a hero. He has now become a Fallen Angel, a betrayer of The Heavens, and those alike.

Suddenly, I tried to punch him. That is the mistake that ended my life. His eyes started going red, and his skin started to melt!! He takes off his Khakis, so that they would not melt. His skin has melted to the point that he has become a skeleton!!!

"THAT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE, MORTAL. YOU WILL DIE!!!!" He said.

Then the sky started to turn red!! Mario's head then lowered from the sky. It looked like that Mario head from that typing game.

"Nice computer you got there. Can I have it?" He asked suddenly.

"Wh-What?! NO!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

Mario's eyes were gone just the second I said that. Blood was coming out of his eye sockets, and he started to grow in size! The Mario head became so big that it could eat me. Suddenly, creatures started to fly out of his empty eye sockets. I saw Jeff the Killer, Sonic.exe, Ronald McDonald, and more!!! They all stared at me, and got their knives out. Their knives were all coated with BLOOD!!! Before they started to slash me, Jake halted his minions.

"STOP," Jake ordered.

"You all shall not kill him, instead.." He snapped his fingers. Mario's head started to throb, and his mouth began to open!! Finally, the Mario Head spoke:

"IF I CANNOT HAVE YOUR COMPUTER, THEN YOU CAN HAVE MINE!!!!" He then sucked me into his mouth, like a giant vaccum cleaner. He closed his mouth, and with one giant CRUNCH! I am dead. The last thing I could hear was Jake's demonic laughing, as if he was the Devil himself!

So.. How am I typing this? Well, you see, I am now literally inside of a computer, and I am controlling the computer's keyboard to type this. I have now become an employee of StateFarm, and I love it. Thanks for listening to my tale, and I hope you will also join us soon. We're always looking for new employees, especially those that are willing to become so.. cooperative, such as myself!

P.S. If you want free insurance, please call us at 800-STATE-FARM. Remember: Like a good neighbor, StateFarm is there!