User blog:NedWolfkin/Ned's Nitpicks Volume 4: Jeff the Killers vs. The Rake

As you may know there has been a lot of stuff going on in my life, and despite most of it dying down, I am still slightly busy. So I chose the first Crappypasta that came up which was Jeff The Killer vs. The Rake.

I know when I first published the last edition of Ned's Nitpicks I said I would do a review of GOOD Creepypastas, but because of how busy I've been I haven't had time to so instead I'm reviewing this shitfest. If anyone was interested in me tearing down good CPs, then don't worry, I'm going to. For the next three fridays I will be tearing them down as a way to celebrate the Halloween month.

Let's begin, shall we?

I was on my way to Harvard University with my girlfriend, Kate.

First sentence and the story is ruined by shitty romance. Wonderful!

'''We were driving in the ’12 Mustang my dad bought before he was murdered. You see, I was a farm boy from Kansas'''

Were you friends with Dorothy Gale?

me and my dad would always set scarecrows in the field where he worked most of the year.

Farms in Kansas? Scarecrows? The fuck boy, did you just get done watching The Wizard of Oz or something?

Anyway TLDR author and his brother fights about who sets the carecrow for Halloween 1997, his dad chooses him, he erects the scarecrow, and then something that I am assuming is The Rake destroys it.

Dad showed with his sawed-off shotgun, “Pacemaker”

He showed with? You mean he showed up with. Also, I think you meant to type "Peacemaker" instead of "Pacemaker."

'''but it was too fast for him. One of its talons pierced his chest, while Pacemaker’s bullet pierced the old man’s chest. Both fell to the ground, dead. Or so I thought. When the police arrived, they didn’t find that man’s body. Nor did they find any corpse at the crime scene. All they found was Pacemaker, which the police gave to me, and a sentence.'''

Ok, first of all you are in Kansas, not Texas so the police wouldn't give you a gun. Second, they gave you a sentence? Any person who knows how to read would probably see this and think you meant that they sentenced you to prison or something. In case anyone is wondering, the author meant that they gave him a note.

'''It was a threat, left by the “Old Man”. “Your father killed me. Now I’m going to kill YOU!”'''

The police don't seem concerned about this at all.

Anyway, we decided to stop in Ohio, overnight at a motel.

Like the woman in the original Rake story?!

'''We didn’t care the clerk smelled like diarrhea and alcohol. We were in love.'''

I'm sure if this story had a smell, that would be it. Also everyone, this is apparently a jump cut. Or at least I'm assuming. I don't know, maybe he is in love with the gun. Maybe that is why it is called Pacemaker, because the family is so in lust with the gun that it makes their hearts feel like an electrical impulse was sent to their hearts.

Also, wow! You must be so horny that you don't care that you smell shit and booze.

'''Immediately we jumped in bed and started to kiss. We embraced what little time we had at the motel.'''

Yeah, that's what I want to read when I go on to a horror literature website, smut!

'''“I have to take a shower, I’ll be right back.” She walked into the bathroom; I fell back on the bed thinking about what we would do together. *Sigh*'''

Quit typing *Sigh*. I would say this isn't a script, but the author was probably one of those children who wrote a shitty story thinking it would be narrated by every popular Creepypasta reader in the fucking galaxy!

'''I pulled out an innocent looking box, opened it, and looked at the treasure that I would have presented to her. A beautiful ring topped off with two polished pearls. *sigh*'''

QUIT SAYING SIGH, YOU STUPID FUCK!

Marriage would have been the best thing for us.

I don't know, you seem pretty content fornicating.

'''If Jeff didn’t come along it would have been different. Somehow, he snuck through the bathroom window. I jumped up from bed when I heard Kate screaming. It wasn’t terror, no, it was pain and suffering.'''

She probably realised she was in a shitty story and it caused her to scream.

I slowly put my ear to the bathroom door

Or better, ask if everything is ok. I'm not sure about you guys, but if I heard someone break through a window and the love of my life screaming I would think something is wrong. Why didn't he try to barge in? They probably already diddled so it's not like he would see anything he wouldn't anyway.

[A]nd heard, “Go… To… SLEEP!!!” I heard the knife plunge into Kate’s body several times.

Was Kate made of metal or something? I mean it is possible that you can hear a tearing sound but I doubt... you know, whatever!

'''The shower kept going. Her screaming stopped.'''

Was this Bates' motel? Did you hear the infamous Psycho music?

I heard the mirror shatter; then the intruder rushed towards the door punching a hole through.

I'm assuming the door was locked from the inside. If that is the case, why didn't Jeff just unlock the door and open it? I don't know, maybe he likes dramatic entrances.

'''He kept punching down the door, ripping it apart trying to reach me. That’s when he stopped and looked at me, I saw his face. A creepy ass expression!'''

His ass had an expression? Also, LAME!

'''The maniac stopped for a few seconds, then leaped on top of me, with his knife aimed at my heart. “Go. TO…” I had Pacemaker out and aimed the killer’s testicles. “I’m going to your blow your balls all over this room. Now Get the Fuck off me!” He listened and got up away me.'''

No, that didn't make the story sound like a Trollpasta at all. Also what the hell does "He listened and got up away me", did you forget the word "from"?

'''The Killer leaped towards his knife. I aimed and I fired. He had snatched his knife up, and flung it towards my head. I deflected it and I fired again.'''

Deflected it with what? The gun? If so I doubt if you lack the intelligence to write a decent, properly written story your reflexes probably are shit.

'''He ducked; then he tackled me out the 1st story window, landing on the pavement. I bruised my heel, while he twisted his kneecap.'''

TLDR author sees the Rake and screams, alerting the occupant of one of the apartments who comes with a gun and the Rake jumps off the 1st story floor (I'm thinking the same thing, guys), the guy gets killed and shots fire somehow... Yeah anyway.

'''Then I remembered the warning, “Your father killed me. Now I’m going to kill you!” When he was done tearing apart the piece of meat that was the tenant, he faced me. Jeff barked, “Uh-Uh! I saw him first, you freak!” The “Old Man” slowly turned to face Jeff. “Yeah! I’m talking to you! What’re you going to about it?”'''

First off, you can't not laugh at that retort. Second, since when can the Rake speak?

Anyway TLDR: Jeff and the Rake fight, totally ignoring the spazz main character who shoots the Rake who had just winded Jeff. Jeff asks the idiot if he is going to "finish" him, which the idiot refuses to do and instead knocks him out with the butt of the gun.

I can't help but wonder why the idiot doesn't give a fuck that his girlfriend was just murdered, but who really cares?

Anywho the Rake is apparently not dead and attacks the idiot who stabs him with Jeff's knife. Jeff leaves with the gun instead of killing the main character

“Old Man” heard him and started to run toured him wean it was close to him Jeff let off a shot

This looks like a Trollpasta. He "toured" him? What did he explore his body with his finger tips? Wow! This is more erotic than what we got with the so-called hero and his forgotten girlfriend. Also "wean"? The author was probably thinking of ding-dongs and subconsciously spelled this. Or he was probably trying to Google penises and somehow it got here. I don't know.

'''hit the thing right in the head it being scared it ran off Jeff ran after it I heard the whole thing. Jeff said “Shhhhhh it’s time to go to sleep.”'''

Jeff chasing something with a gun and saying that is just fucking hilarious.

'''Then let off some more shots entail the thing was in to. Jeff pick up his knife and started walking to me'''

Ok, so Jeff and the Rake were battling to kill this douchebag and the Rake just runs off, forgetting him and Jeff chases him a bit only to return to douche-author. Ok.

I didn’t question it he spared my life maybe because I spared his I don’t know but I never saw him after that day.

Let me guess, because you spared his life he spared yours, therefore giving Jeff a bit of respectibility. Well, after being in this story, not even the Rake has respectibility.

I'm imagining the author walking away into the sunrise, not giving a fuck about his dead girlfriend.

The End.