Yucko's Night Before Christmas

Uploader’s note: This was an audio of an obscene re-telling of A Visit from Saint Nicholas by Roger Black, who along with Waco O’Guin created a sketch-comedy TV program named ''The DAMN! Show, which later in 2005 was repackaged and aired on the channel MTV2 for a short period as Stankervision''. Here, he tells the story under his persona, Yucko the Clown, who Roger is most known for, and is TDS’s most famous character. Yes, he’s the guy seen in this page.

I believe the story was around during the late 2000s (I don’t know the exact years) and could be found on YouTube back then. Unfortunately, it is currently archived NOWHERE on the Internet. The only piece of evidence there is now to prove it existed is this: https://www.last.fm/es/music/Yucko+The+Clown/_/Yucko%27s+Night+Before+Christmas

Most of this was gathered from my memory. As for the bits in which I can’t remember the words, I had to make up my own. I am genuinely sorry that I can’t provide the sauce (which also had Christmassy music and sound that went along with it). Talk about a lost relic…

On a side note, I highly recommend you people to check out The DAMN! Show/Stankervision. It’s some of the most hilarious shit on the planet.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, my guts were gurglin’.

I sat on the floor drinking bottles of Bourbon.

My clown shoes were hung by the toilet with care.

I’ve taken a crap, but I forgot where.

-

The circus was over, and we do a big party.

A sideshow freak orgy went out at full hearty

The Bearded Lady was naked, sprawled out in my bed.

Her mustache tickles when she’s giving me head.

-

When outside the big top then came such a noise.

It was that fat bearded fucker and his bag full of toys.

Away to the curtains I flew like a flash.

It was Saint Nick all fucked up on cocaine and hash!

-

He looked like a bum, he smelled like a whore.

<p class="MsoNormal">He said, “Fuck the chimney!”, and kicked in the door.

<p class="MsoNormal">He stumbled to the kitchen to make us a drink.

<p class="MsoNormal">He said, “FUCK YOU, YUCKO!”, and pissed in my sink.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">I said this with a sneer as I smelled his stale pee,

<p class="MsoNormal">“NOBODY here gets more fucked up than ME!”

<p class="MsoNormal">So, we gathered all our Christmas spirits and drank shot for shot.

<p class="MsoNormal">We drank gallons of booze and smoked pounds of pot.

<p class="MsoNormal">He smiled with glee as he reached in his sack,

<p class="MsoNormal">Pulled out a glass pot and a BOULDER OF CRACK.

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Before we knew it, it was a quarter to five.

<p class="MsoNormal">He called up a rotgut delivery, but one of us died.

<p class="MsoNormal">He took me to his sleigh to go for a ride!

<p class="MsoNormal">“Move over, fatass! I’M gonna drive!”

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">He passed out in the back as I grabbed the rein.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Stupid reindeer! I’ll give y’all new names.

<p class="MsoNormal">Now Bastard, now Jerkoff, now Dillhole, now Douchebag,

<p class="MsoNormal">On Prick, on Dildo, on Asshole, on FUCKIN’ ASS SHIT!

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Santa went up for a reach in his bag.

<p class="MsoNormal">I find a strap-on, and a gay porno mag.

<p class="MsoNormal">Over the houses, “WE JUST MISSED A TREE!

<p class="MsoNormal">YOU FAT DUMBASS, YOU DO THIS FOR FREE!?”

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">He didn’t answer, he just puked off the side.

<p class="MsoNormal">Blue lights in the rear view, nowhere to hide!

<p class="MsoNormal">Jewish cop pulls us over, with a big pointy nose.

<p class="MsoNormal">He gripped me, he cuffed me, beat me with a hose!

<p class="MsoNormal">“Yucko and Santa, both fuckers out.

<p class="MsoNormal">I think you two schmucks should spend Christmas in jail!”

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">Next thing you know, I’m in the hooscal.

<p class="MsoNormal">I sold Santa’s ass for a pack of Doral.

<p class="MsoNormal">That dirty heap cop just sat there and laughed.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Poor Santa, he’s properly getting pumped in the ass.”

<p class="MsoNormal">-

<p class="MsoNormal">As he shrieked out in pain, I started to wonder.

<p class="MsoNormal">If this is Christmas, then HAPPY FUCKIN’ KWANZAA!

<p class="MsoNormal">And to all a goddamn night, you mothafuckas.

<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">

Credited to Roger Black