What They Aren't Telling You About the New Sonic Movie

To get this out of the way, yes, I've seen the trailer. Yes, I know how bad it is. Yes, Sonic's design makes me want to vomit as much as the next person. Yes, I've been seeing the memes, yes, it's really bad, yada yada, I know.

I didn't come here to beat that dead horse, although I have no problem if others do. But right now I have other things on my mind.

You're probably making the same assumptions I would be if I didn't know better. It's what everyone's thinking. This is a cash grab. Sonic hasn't had a good game in over a decade, his brand has become a joke, and SEGA is just one disaster away from bankruptcy. Hollywood was willing to make a Sonic movie, so hey, why not? They focused grouped the shit out of it, slapped together some half-assed script, and made the worst thing since The Emoji Movie.

Well, as understandable as those assumptions are, they are only half-true. It is certainly true that this piece of tripe called the 2019 Sonic the Hedgehog movie was created with little effort and even less passion. But there is more to the story here than just the typical corporate milking of a nostalgic property.

Suffice it to say I'm in behind the scenes in Paramount and, though I didn't work directly on the project, I know enough intimate details to share this story. I'm not going to give you plot details about the upcoming movie. I could if I wanted to, but there's no point because whatever you are predicting is probably correct, and right now I have more important info to share.

What they aren't telling you is that the movie being showcased by that awful trailer is not the movie that was originally going to be released. Two years ago, SEGA and Paramount started working on a Sonic film. It was nothing like the abomination being advertised right now.

Basically, SEGA knows they may or may not make it through the next decade. They know they may eventually have to close and sell the Sonic trademark. With the long train of poorly-received Sonic games and TV shows since the 2000s, they wanted to give Sonic a last hurrah just in case that happens.

The people who worked on the original product were really passionate about Sonic. Instead of a live action CGI film, what they made was a truly unique blend of animation and live action.

The film centers on a protagonist who is a high school student who plays a lot of video games and gets bullied. I know, that's pretty cookie-cutter itself, but it turns out really interesting. One of the games he plays is Sonic the Hedgehog, but in the movie's universe Sonic isn't as huge as he is in real life, he's more of a minor cult classic like Echo the Dolphin. They game he plays is like a composite version of all the most notable aspects of the Sonic franchise and includes various references such as the chaos, remixes of classic Sonic level themes, and an instrumental of City Escape.

Co-protagonist Sonic himself is from an ancient warrior sect of blue hedgehogs that value speed above all else. When the kid is sucked into Mobius through a portal, he and Sonic have to stop Robotnik from collecting the Chaos Emeralds so he can invade the real world. Robotnik, rather than being a comedic villain, is actually really terrifying and played by Tim Curry.

They made a trailer for this version too. It was way more impressive than the one you've all seen. Actually, "Gangsta's Paradise" was featured in this one as well, but it actually fit the intense mood of this trailer.

Sonic: You know you can't keep running, Shadow. I'm going to beat you, just like I always do.

Shadow: Sonic, haven't you ever wondered why so many kids prefer to play as me once they get tired of playing as you? I'm cooler than you because darkness is stronger than light, and now you're about to realize it.

The trailer had different cheesy but lowkey awesome exchanges like that and ended with a bass-boosted metal version of the original Robotnik theme with Latin vocals.

The movie was done, and the cast and crew gathered to view the rough cut. What they saw was not what they were expecting.

Every scene featuring the protagonist kid had the kid missing. There were whole scenes lasting minutes on end of just his empty room.

Another weird thing: all the Sonic characters looked scared, from Sonic himself to Shadow to Knuckles and even Robotnik. They'd go through their lines, but even when Sonic was facing off against Shadow or Robotnik, both of them would be nervous and looking at each other as if to say "I hope we make it through this scene alive."

Suddenly a shadow came over one such scene, and Robotnik started saying "no, no, not you." Then he and Sonic and all the others started running.

"Hahhaha, gotta go fast, aye?", said the deep booming voice of the kid. "You are all worthless. None of you are real, you are just worthless creations who haver long outlasted your value."

Suddenly all the characters started growing in size. Once they had doubled in size, they exploded in a shower of gore. The movie then cut to black with the Eggman theme from Sonic CDe playing.

All the master copies were like this. No one could figure out why, but one thing they knew for sure was that they couldn't release it. But they had investors. Investors who had been told that the movie was almost finished. So they hastily cobbled together a new movie, which is the one you were all treated to in the recent trailer.

So when the movie comes out, by all means, continue to make fun of it. It certainly deserves to be mocked. But just remember, the makers really did try harder than this, and the current film is far below their original vision.

Written by HopelessNightOwl