Callous Monster

EXT. DREAM ISLAND - AFTERNOON

Delightful cleaner TEARDROP TEARDROP TEARDROP is arguing with helpful hairdresser WOODY WOODY WOODY. TEARDROP tries to hug WOODY but he shakes her off.

TEARDROP

Please Woody, don't leave me.

WOODY

I'm sorry Teardrop, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

TEARDROP

I am such a person!

WOODY frowns.

WOODY

I'm sorry, Teardrop. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

WOODY leaves.

TEARDROP sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, understanding psychiatrist LIY LIY LIY barges in looking flustered.

TEARDROP

Goodness, Liy! Is everything okay?

LIY

I'm afraid not.

TEARDROP

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

LIY

It's ... a monster ... I saw an evil monster punch a bunch of kittens!

TEARDROP

Defenseless kittens?

LIY

Yes, defenseless kittens!

TEARDROP

Bloomin' heck, Liy! We've got to do something.

LIY

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

TEARDROP

You can start by telling me where this happened.

LIY

I was...

LIY fans herself and begins to wheeze.

TEARDROP

Focus Liy, focus! Where did it happen?

LIY

Elimination Centre! That's right - Elimination Centre!

TEARDROP springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

TEARDROP rushes along the street, followed by LIY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. ELIMINATION CENTRE - SHORTLY AFTER

PILLOW PILLOW a callous monster terrorises two kittens.

TEARDROP, closely followed by LIY, rushes towards PILLOW, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

LIY

What is is? What's the matter?

TEARDROP

That's not just any old monster, that's Pillow Pillow!

LIY

Who's Pillow Pillow?

TEARDROP

Who's Pillow Pillow? Who's Pillow Pillow? Only the most callous monster in the universe!

LIY

Blinkin' knickers, Teardrop! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most callous monster in the universe!

TEARDROP

You can say that again.

LIY

Blinkin' knickers, Teardrop! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most callous monster in the universe!

TEARDROP

I'm going to need rainbows, lots of rainbows.

Pillow turns and sees Teardrop and Liy. She grins an evil grin.

PILLOW

Teardrop Teardrop, we meet again.

LIY

You've met?

TEARDROP

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young TEARDROP is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees PILLOW. She takes off her headphones.

PILLOW

Would you like some white mice?

TEARDROP's eyes light up, but then he studies PILLOW more closely, and looks uneasy.

TEARDROP

I don't know, you look kind of callous.

PILLOW

Me? No. I'm not callous. I'm the least callous monster in the world.

TEARDROP

Wait, you're a monster?

TEARDROP runs away, screaming.

EXT. ELIMINATION CENTRE - PRESENT DAY

PILLOW

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

LIY

(To TEARDROP) You ran away?

TEARDROP

(To LIY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

TEARDROP turns to PILLOW.

TEARDROP

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

TEARDROP runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

TEARDROP

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rainbows.

PILLOW

I'm not scared of you.

TEARDROP

You should be.

INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - LATER THAT DAY

TEARDROP and LIY walk around searching for something.

TEARDROP

I feel sure I left my rainbows somewhere around here.

LIY

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rainbows.

TEARDROP

You know nothing Liy Liy.

LIY

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, PILLOW appears, holding a pair of rainbows.

PILLOW

Looking for something?

LIY

Crikey, Teardrop, she's got your rainbows.

TEARDROP

Tell me something I don't already know!

LIY

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

TEARDROP

I know that already!

LIY

I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed.

PILLOW

(appalled) Dude!

While PILLOW is looking at LIY with disgust, TEARDROP lunges forward and grabs her deadly rainbows. He wields them, triumphantly.

TEARDROP

Prepare to die, you callous cauliflower!

PILLOW

No please! All I did was punch a bunch of kittens!

WOODY enters, unseen by any of the others.

TEARDROP

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Teardrop Teardrop defender of innocent kittens.

PILLOW

Don't hurt me! Please!

TEARDROP

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rainbows on you right away!

PILLOW

Because Teardrop, I am your mother.

TEARDROP looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

TEARDROP

No you're not!

PILLOW

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

PILLOW tries to grab the rainbows but TEARDROP dodges out of the way.

TEARDROP

Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, PILLOW slumps to the ground.

LIY

Did she just faint?

TEARDROP

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rainbows.

TEARDROP crouches over PILLOW's body.

LIY

Be careful, Teardrop. It could be a trick.

TEARDROP

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Pillow Pillow is dead!

TEARDROP

What?

TEARDROP

Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

LIY claps her hands.

LIY

So your rainbows did save the day, after all.

WOODY steps forward.

WOODY

Is it true? Did you kill the callous monster?

TEARDROP

Woody how long have you been...?

WOODY puts his arm around TEARDROP.

WOODY

Long enough.

TEARDROP

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Pillow Pillow.

WOODY

Then the kittens are safe?

TEARDROP

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

WOODY

You are their hero.

The kittens bow to TEARDROP.

TEARDROP

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Pillow Pillow will never punch kittens ever again, is enough for me.

WOODY

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes TEARDROP a tinkling bell

WOODY

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

TEARDROP

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

TEARDROP

Well, if you insist.

TEARDROP takes the bell.

TEARDROP

Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

TEARDROP turns to WOODY.

TEARDROP

Does this mean you want me back?

WOODY

Oh, Teardrop, of course I want you back!

TEARDROP smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

TEARDROP

Well you can't have me.

WOODY

WHAT?

TEARDROP

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a monster to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

WOODY

But...

TEARDROP

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Liy.

LIY grins.

WOODY

But...

LIY

You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

WOODY

Teardrop?

TEARDROP

I'm sorry Woody, but I think you should skidaddle.

WOODY leaves.

LIY turns to TEARDROP.

LIY

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

TEARDROP

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly LIY stops.

LIY

When I said I pickle my earwax and keep it in a jar under my bed, you know I was just trying to distract the monster don't you?

THE END