Joseph T. Iller

My name is Joseph T. Iller. It was 3:33 am, and I was up and messing around on scary websites because I was an idiot. Suddenly, I heard three loud taps on my window.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

I looked around my room, completely frightened out of my mind, and saw that Jeff the Killer was standing at the foot of my bed. I screamed for approximately 5.359 seconds (sorry, I don’t have the best stopwatch).

“It wasn’t me,” said Jeff, struggling to move his burnt and cut lips. “It came from the window dude.”

I turned towards the window where Squidward was standing and he held a gun to his head and then pulled the trigger while a massive scary-ass monster watched him.

Then my phone rang in my pocket. A bone-chillingly frightening voice was on the other end.

“Hey, imma pretend I’m someone who you think I am, but then turn out not to be them. Stop messing around in my house,” the voice on the other end of the phone said. But then I remembered that my mum, Jane. K. Iller, had told me that the previous owner of this house, called BEN, had drowned like two days ago.

THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

The dude sitting in the corner of my room, who hadn't slept for about a month, started asking me when he would be able to go to sleep. That guy was crazy I reckon. He started rambling on and on in Russian. Something that meant something along the lines of, "We are what live in your mum." Or something.

I brought the phone down from my ear. I hugged my teddy bear, which I had got as a present all the way back for my fifth birthday in 1999, for comfort.I looked towards the window again and found that the source of the tapping was a skeleton trying to pop out unsuccessfully due to the fact that my window is made of glass.

Suddenly, a possessed TV walked into my room, began to play a lost episode of Candle Cove, and then killed me. I died very painfully with lots of blood and organs involved. Also pus and other gross things.