Oh crap, I'm pregnant

It's been 9 months since I told my long standing husband, Satan that I was pregnant – and since then, our relationship has deteriorated with every passing day. If I'm honest, I understand why he hated me. If your husband was pregnant with Nicolas's Cage's child, you'd be pretty dam pissed to. Of course the first thing that he asked when I broke the news was "Holy fuck, Jesus! But you're a guy?" It took me a while for me to explain to him that in actual fact, I have both genitals. But that was in the past.

So here we are today - In a hospital, waiting for me to give birth. Satan allowed Nic to watch on the grounds that he was allowed to sleep with Miranda Cosgrove. It took me a while to agree, but in the end – that bitch is a ugly mother fucker and he isn't really going to enjoy it. I consider it personal revenge for his endless hate towards me these past few months.

I guess you're wondering why he's even here. Well, in truth, I don't know. Part of me feels that he is going to kidnap the child, and if I'm honest, I hope he does. The little bastard has already destroyed my life, and it isn't even out my womb yet.

Satan and I are still together – god knows why. I guess we both enjoy the sex.

The hospital is a horrible place; full of death, sickness and hot nurses with massive tits. I'm praying to my father that the doctor delivering my child will be a Jensen Ackles look alike, or at least a man. I'm not having a woman touching me down there thanks.

"Fuck you, Dad." I say under my breath as the doctor walks in. She wears an awkward smile that makes me throw up down the front of my hospital gown. Her eyebrows are worse then an infinite rainbow of crocs, streaming through a twilight convention.

"Hello. My name is Miranda. I believe we've been acquainted before." She says throwing a seductive glance at my husband but quickly returns her attention back to me. "I'm going to pull that cunt out of you today." She signals to the large bump in my stomach.

"Just hurry up with it please." I groan, reaching for Nick's hand. He takes it and rubs his own along my sweaty palms.

"If you wish." Miranda reaches under the bed and pulls out the scariest thing I have ever laid my eyes on. It glistens like a crystal expanse of ocean. I can still see the faint, red trace of its previous victims and feel myself shudder in fear.

She is wielding one of the biggest knives I have ever seen.

I recoil as she brings it close my stomach. My grip on Nic's hand tightens as it tickles my skin. Sweat beads trickle down my face like rain droplets racing down a window pane. "Oh god." I close my eyes, praying for this nightmare to be over.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?" I hear Satan shout. I open my eyes and stare at the bloody life form being pulled out my stomach. At first glance it looks like a blue furball, and as I stare longer I notice that it is alive.

I've given birth to Sonic the Hedgehog.