The story of Janus

It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, Janus, woke up in a swamp. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously displeased, Janus backhanded a ripened avocado, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he realized that his beloved turd was missing! Immediately he called his redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Jeff. Janus had known Jeff for (plus or minus) 1.2 billion years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Jeff was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... insensitive. Janus called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Jeff picked up to a very unhappy Janus. Jeff calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters yawn before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually sassily shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Janus. Why was Jeff trying to distract Janus? Because he had snuck out from Janus's with the turd only ten days prior. It was a exotic little turd... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Janus got back to the subject at hand: his turd. Jeff shuddered. Relunctantly, Jeff invited him over, assuring him they'd find the turd. Janus grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Jeff realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the turd and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Janus took the rice rocket, he had take at least four minutes before Janus would get there. But if he took the batmobile? Then Jeff would be excessively screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Jeff was interrupted by four selfish aliens that were lured by his turd. Jeff belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he aimlessly reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and carefully groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the batmobile rolling up. It was Janus.

o0o

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Janus was out of the batmobile and went explosively jaunting toward Jeff's front door. Meanwhile inside,  Jeff was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the turd into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his hammock. Jeff was frustrated but at least the turd was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Jeff flamboyantly purred. With a hasty push, Janus opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish spite-toting jerk in a best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Jeff assured him. Janus took a seat conveniently far from where Jeff had hidden the turd. Jeff yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Janus was distracted. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Jeff noticed a oafish look on Janus's face. Janus slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Jeff felt a stabbing pain in his armpit when Janus asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the turd right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!'  A lie. A pestering look started to form on Janus's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Janus nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Jeff could react, Janus aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The turd was plainly in view.

Janus stared at Jeff for what what must've been two minutes. A few unfulfilled decades later, Jeff groped explosively in Janus's direction, clearly desperate. Janus grabbed the turd and bolted for the door. It was locked. Jeff let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Janus,' he rebuked. Jeff always had been a little stupid, so Janus knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Jeff did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at him or something. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he gripped his turd tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Jeff looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Janus. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Janus. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Jeff walked over to the window and looked down. Janus was gone.

o0o

Just yonder, Janus was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Jeff's place. Janus had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral aliens suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the turd. One by one they latched on to Janus. Already weakened from his injury, Janus yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of aliens running off with his turd.

But then God came down with His intelligent smile and restored Janus's turd. Feeling pleased, God smote the aliens for their injustice. Then He got in His gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV and jettisoned away with the fortitude of  half a million 3-legged wallabies running from a little pack of long-haired sea monkeys. Janus tripped with joy when he saw this. His turd was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in seven minutes his favorite TV show,  Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When South American hissing sloths meet weapon of mass destruction'). Janus was ecstatic. And so, everyone except Jeff and a few unborn fetus-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.