The Iphone 7 Conspiracy

Hello my name is Rugu and I worked for Apple Inc. As you all know, the Iphone 7 was recently announced. Everyone seems to be worked up over the fact that the earphone jack has been removed. But do you know the real reason why it was removed?

During my time in tech support I have received many strange reports from people claiming that their Iphones were malfunctioning and trying to kill them. I passed it off as a glitch and carried on. Until one day I was walking down the hall when I heard Tim Cook screaming loudly in his office.

I was curious so I eavesdropped.

“Yeah, I’m on it. I thought it was a glitch! You got me in deep shit now, Steve!”

“Steve?” I thought. But Steve Jobs is dead! It couldn’t be…. Could it?

I had to quickly walk away though because I was caught on the security cameras shitting in peoples’ sandwiches again. I went to the main office and reviewed the security tapes. I admitted it was I and I was promptly fired.

As I was leaving the building, Tim Cook whispered out of the window

“Psst…Hey, kid. Wanna job at Appale?”

I was about to admit that I was just fired 10.34456 ½ 10ths of a minute ago but I thought that Timmy needed me.

I went in and he told me that he was working on the Iphone 7.

He then told me that in tests of the previous Iphone models, super secret NASA scientists found out that ghosts lived in some Iphones and went to killed everybody.

“How do they get in?” I asked

“The earphone jack….”

“Wait, what?” I said

“Are you retarded?”

“Maybe, but that’s besides the point.”

It was at this point I knew that I had fucked up. I was in a room with a man who genuinely believed that ghosts possessed phones through the earphone jack.

“So what’re gonna do about it?” I asked.

“We’re gonna remove the earphone jack.”

I could not believe what I heard.

“You expect people to buy a new Iphone, that’s exactly the same as the last one but has no earphone jack?”.

“Precisely.” Tim said.

Wow. The chromosomes are strong in this one.

“That’s pretty stupid, no one’s gonna buy it.” I said honestly.

“And we’ll add another camera right next to the already existing one.”.

By this point I was done. I stood up and left when suddenly phone began to vibrate.

I looked and it was a message from an unknown number.

I looked at the number and saw it said 666.

Oh no! It was Satan. He somehow possessed my Iphone!

He said that everything was true. But then he didn’’t want people to know so I was sent to Hell and killed. And now I’m a ghost.

Tim Cook was right, ghosts do possess the Iphone.