User blog:NedWolfkin/Ned's Nitpicks Volume 6: Cleo the Killer

Original story can be found here.

'''It was a bright and sunny day and Cleo was walking to school. She had no friends and mostly stayed alone.'''

Maybe that's why she has no friends, because she "mostly stayed alone." That and because no one wants to be around the main character of a shitty story.

'''As she walked into the school yard she entered the building expecting someone to punch her AGAIN! Instead they where all talking about this kid named Jeff who's brother Liu had gone to jail for a year.'''

I'm imagining the school is so crowded and small that when you enter the building you risk accidentally walking into someone's fist.

I walked to my locker

We're not too far into the story and the author has swapped the story from third to first person.

'''it was right next to Jeff when I looked at him he had longer hair and roles under his eyes and he looked really depressed. I didn't say anything. He looked at me and I looked away shyly.'''

YOU ARE LIKE THE BEST COUPLE OF ALL TIME, U GUIZE!

All of a sudden these kids Ryan, Adam and Zack popped in front of me and pushed me.

Uh-oh! Cliched bully time, guys!

'''At this point I just went bull freaking Jesus crazy on them. I punched them kicked them slapped then kicked one in the balls. I got detention.Yep.'''

Wow! The author was in such a hurry to get this story done that they forgot to explain to us why they were bullies. Also, if this is going on at the same time and same place as Jeff's story, would she get in trouble like Jeff did?

'''After a few days I finally talked to Jeff I said: "Um...hi I'm Cl...Cleo I'm sorry about your bro". "It's okay you didn't do anything don't be sorry oh and I'm Jeff."'''

Cool, lazy script form and no spacing! Nice.

'''Few days later Jeff went crazy. He went to the hospital cause a kid caught him on fire. He killed his parents and brother after he got out of JDC.'''

We already know about this, but ok.

'''After a month I snapped. Ryan, Adam and Zack came up and made fun of me hurt me. So I grabbed my pocket knife and carved ones eyes out, stabbed the other and ran off and left Ryan there bleeding while the others lie motionless.'''

This would be much more cathartic if we actually had a reason to hate them other than "THEY R BULLIEZ!"

I cut out my eyes and my mom came in while I was crying.

The fuck is wrong with you? Also, once again apparently this all takes place in a deserted school because no one was around to stop any of this.

'''"Sweetie what are you...HUH?" she said Cowardly while I was holding two knifes up to her "Sweetie, your eyes!". "I can hear, and smell and feel people through the ground and air" I said to her. "S...Sweetie please p...put the knifes down and we can sort this o...out" she said with her voice shaking. "No mom, go get dad and WE CAN SETTLE THIS!" I yelled. "Alright sweetie I will go get h...him" she said voice trembling in fear.'''

I'm assuming the mother was abusive? I don't know, this was never made clear to us. Then again, seeing as this is your cookie-cutter OC story, I think we all expected it.

Also, jumpcut from school to home!

'''She ran to the bedroom. I slowly crept up the hall hearing what my mother was saying. "Sweetie get the gun and call the police!"'''

Yes, this too happened to Jeff. The only difference is that it felt more justifiable when Jeff did it.

"You lied just...like...Jeff's parents."

Lied about what?!

'''I said grabbing hold of both parents. As my dad shot up the last thing they heard was: "FEEL THE PAIN LIKE I DID".'''

He shot up what? Heroin? Also, shitty catchphrase.

'''I said goodnight as I drew on the wall. On the wall it says "FEEL THE PAIN!" And I smiled and crawled out the window and disappeared into the woods.'''

And then the story ends abruptly. Like everyone else I was assuming she was going to get with Jeff since he was in the story, but the author placed him into this story for no reason at all.

As promised, I will tear into good Creepypastas in next week's Ned's Nitpicks.