User blog:NedWolfkin/Ned's Nitpicks Volume 10: Smiley Suicide

Well everybody, I'm kind of back and will be on and on off this site for a while. For a few months now I have been working on a rant about what's wrong with Creepypasta in general which I am hoping to have finished by next Friday. In the meantime I found a piece of shit that I just HAD to tear apart. The piece of shit in question is Smiley Suicide, not to be confused with Squidward's Suicide.

6:50 AM, it's another day and Lala was not ready.

Her and everyone else who hates their job and/or school. Lala sounds like a self-pitying little ass. Also what the fuck kind of name is Lala?

Lala was a 9-year-old girl and she knew darker things than a 9-year-old should.

Wow, a tense change already. Also, what does she know that it is so dark? I bet the "darker things" means she just found out Santa isn't real, but otherwise has a happy life. I doubt the author could answer what "darker things" she is referring to. And you'd better believe we are never told what those things are either, because authors of shitty stories like telling us important facts without presenting them.

Lala also had cuts on her arms and I mean a lot more cuts than a middle or high school girl with cuts which is probably a lot more since Lala is only in 3rd grade.

First of all, adding something serious and triggering like suicide and self harm into your story doesn't make it scary or edgy, it just makes you look insensitive.

Second. It doesn't matter if she has more cuts than a middle or high school girl. It's not a competition, it is a serious problem.

When Lala reached school she saw Kasey Johson, the girl who completely ruined Lala's life.

Great elaboration and detail on what she did to ruin her life there, author! How in the HELL does a nine year old child's life get ruined?

'''Lala ran to the bathroom and went into the stall. She didn't cry but she gave pulled back her sleeves and gave herself more cuts. Cuts were everywhere on her arms. Her cuts kept her sane. The bell rang and she but her sleeve back down and ran to class.'''

Wow, more minimalist detail. What did she cut herself with? Ok, so she cut herself and just went back to class without the blood seeping through or something? She probably didn't even cut herself, she probably just scratched her arm until it was red and then danced back to school.

'''It was math period. Lala was good at every subject where Kasey was not sitting near her.'''

Hmmm.... It sounds more like Lala has more of a problem with Kasey, than the latter does the former. Also more MY MARY SUE IS GOOD AT EVERYTHING!!!!!

'''It was going to be lunch period soon but right now it was art period. Lala hasn't been to the art period before since she would usually be in the bathroom, giving herself new cuts.'''

I would ask "How come nobody notices her cutting classes?" but that's probably for the same reason nobody has ever noticed her scars, or any sharp objects missing, or blood seeping through her sleeves.

'''Since this was Lala's first art period she decided to get creative. When nobody was looking she got her small knife and took a decent piece of flesh out of her arm.'''

So apparently she is invisible and can do whatever she wants without anyone noticing. Why does she needs to hide in the bathroom to self harm? She can probably do it standing right in front of somebody. Also, how did she not bleed to death?

Still, not one person saw these events.

Heh, even the author admits it.

'''She got her paintbrush and dipped it in the place where she had cut the piece of flesh out. It looked like red paint but darker. Still, nobody saw her. With her blood, she created a disturbing piece of art. It was a girl hanging but happy.'''

Where the fuck is the art teacher? Is this happening at all the other shitty Creepypasta schools where nobody else exists but the Mary Sue and the bullies? Also, if the odd behavior, cutting classes, and scars aren't enough to warrant a trip to a therapist and a visit from Child Protective Services, this messed up drawling sure as hell would have been enough to warrant them.

It looked like she was smiling.

That's what we assumed when we saw "happy", dear.

'''Miss Nelson would come over to look at her art piece. "Wow, Lala! This is– oh fuck what is this. I mean it's amazing Lala!" said Miss Nelson nervously.'''

I laughed at the "oh fuck what is this" part. Ok so wait, the teacher didn't notice her wrist or anything? What a dumbass! Also there is no way a teacher would be allowed to swear like that in front of a child. On top of that, she probably wouldn't just act nervous and try to downplay things. Lala's little ass would be in the principal's office talking to a child psychiatrist's puppet.

'''"Would you come with me, Lala?" said Miss Nelson, gesturing for Lala to come to her.'''

Fucking finally!

'''Kasey and her friends would make faces and Lala finally decided to whisper the magic words to Kasey and her gang. "Fuck you. Fuck your friends. You all are shit. I don't care. You and your friends are shit. Fuck all of you." whispered Lala, smiling and crying.'''

Bully band cliche! Also, the crying part makes her look like a bitch in front of her enemies. Also ExEsSiVe SwEaRiNg Is EdGy! Also, how slow were they walking for her to have time to say all this, and how deaf is the teacher that she cannot hear it while a bunch of passing kids can?

Kasey and her friends all looked at each other in shock.

So these are the tough bullies? If they can't even take a few swear words I imagine they "ruined" Lala's life by simply bumping into her at lunch time and spilling her milk.

'''When they looked at Lala again she was out the door already. Headed to the office. She was told to walk home but you could never trust a girl who just painted a picture out of blood of herself hanging on a tree.'''

There is NO WAY IN HELL they would make a child walk home alone. Also that last part is just laughable.

'''When Lala got to her house, she passed it. She walked towards the forest.'''

Of course she did. She lives in Creepypastaville where there is only one school where no one exists but bullies, and everyone has a magical forest in their back yard that Slender Man lives in.

'''She found the perfect spot. She opened her pink Hello Kitty backpack and took a noose out of it.'''

SOOOOO EDGY!

She prepared everything and then wrote a suicide note.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

So apparently her home life is good if she loves her parents enough to call them "Mommy and Daddy."

'''Please don't blame yourself. This truly isn't your fault. I love you so much, I know you'll miss me but I'm just too sad.'''

You're only nine fucking years old. What is so sad about your life, did they cancel Barney or something?

A girl named Kasey Johnson and her friends Laila Font and Sally Green

Stockiest last names ever! One of them might as well have been named Christina Black or Jenny Bloodsplatter.

bullied me to the point I'm doing this.

They didn't do ANYTHING. You were the dumbass who painted a disturbing picture. Blame yourself for your problems for once and maybe you'll learn how to be a functioning human being.

'''Mommy, your cupcakes and lemonade on those hot summer days were so sweet and cool. Daddy, your jokes were so funny, and remember when we were at that father-daughter dance and I cried because the words were so sweet?'''

Literally nothing sounds bad about your life other than "bullies" you blame your problems on. I'm sure if these "bullies" weren't in your life you would blame someone else.

'''I hope you do. Please take good care of each other as I would. When I grow up I wanted to be a police officer but I don't think I can take it if I can't take this.'''

You're right. You wouldn't. Honey, you probably wouldn't even be able to take a job if you had the nicest co-workers in the world and all you had to do is press a button all day.

'''I love you two so much. Please remember me! I'm happy though because I'll get to see Baby at the rainbow bridge, right?'''

Who is Baby? Did her mother have a miscarriage? Did she die from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome?

I can't wait for you two to come with us so we can be the perfect family in Heaven.

You were the perfect family in life. You just threw it away because MUH BULLEEES! Have you even tried to tell your parents about this problem? I bet when you told them "She was so mean to me! She got an A+ and I only got an F-!" all they said was "I'm so sorry to hear that, dear!". That's what I'm assuming happened (or the whole bumping into thing I mentioned earlier), that's all I have when you leave it open to interpretation.

Also, I'm pretty sure that all Mary Sues automatically go to Hell no matter how good they were.

'''Grama and Grampa will be there too! So will cousin Jojo!'''

Oh no, not cousin Jojo, it turned out he had anger issues and killed a buch of hookers in the name of Satan.

'''I'm excited. Please take extra care of Mister Nom Noms the Hamster, okay?'''

Thanks for expositing that Nom Noms was a hamster. That little piece of exposition (which your family wouldn't need anyway as they would know who you're referring to) is a hell of a lot more than what we got about anything else!

'''In memory of me? Thank you. I love you, Mommy and Daddy!'''

-Lala

Obviously you hate them or you wouldn't put this on them. Even if you said it wasn't their fault they're going to be wondering if there was something they did to cause this, or if there was something they could have done to prevent it.

'''Lala had no time for tears. It had to be done. Lala thought about the last words she said to her Mommy and Daddy. "See you after school!" she had said.'''

Ooooh! Sooooo haunting!

'''Lala thought about the last words she and said to her hamster Mister Nom Noms. "We'll snuggle after school, I promise!" she had said.'''

Also, you hate your hamster because it will think you abandoned it you selfish bitch!

'''She looked around. She realized there were bloody smiles everywhere.'''

Cool! She finally snapped!

There was a tall man with a bloody smile.

A tall man? That has NEVER been done before, especially not on a Creepypasta!

She tried kicking him but she realized she kicked the rock she was standing on.

What?

'''She didn't remember putting herself in the noose. Her last thought was, "It was him. The man with a bloody smile. He helped me." she didn't know what pain was at that moment. She smiled and the man made it so that she kept her smile.'''

Is he some kind of spirit of suicide or some shit?

'''There was a search. The body was found 2 days later. There was a funeral. Many other girls disappeared and they saw a figure just like that?'''

Wow, thanks for the lack of actual closure of who he was.

'''Prequel to explain everything? Lol.'''

What the fuck is this? Is this some sort of joke? Some kind lead on for people to beg for more? No matter what it was supposed to be, it makes the story look like a fucking joke. I mean the shittiness of the story itself did a great job of doing just that, but this REALLY made this look like a shitpost.

Click here for other installments of Ned's Nitpicks.