Need For Speed: Uran

It was a normal nuclear winter afternoon, and I was just playing Need For Speed: Most Wanted. I'm a total and complete Need For Speed fan, just like every human being ever, and if you aren't, you're a communist.

I have played every single Need For Speed game ever, except for one: Need For Speed: Carbon. I needed this game so badly, but I can't seem to find a copy of it anywhere. My local game store still sells copies of this game, but I was way too lazy to go there, so I went to look for a copy on the Internet instead.

I looked up on eBay if I can find a copy of this game, and to my trigonometrical surprise, I found one that was selling for only ten thousand dollars. I used my father's credit card and clicked on "buy". Right after that, my computer let out a green smoke, and it showed the blue screen of death, and then it suddenly blew up hyper-realistically.

I just assumed it was a glitch, so I continued with my daily life of playing Need For Speed games and jacking off to the Lamborghini Murciélago, eagerly awaiting my copy of Need For Speed: Carbon.

A decade has already passed, and out of my peripheral, hexademic and caleidoscopic vision I noticed the mailman arriving in a radiation suit and carefully taking out my copy of Need For Speed: Carbon and then throwing it through my window in panic. I thought nothing of it, so I just picked up my long awaited game.

The cover was pretty ordinary, it showed a crashed car, and a bleeding corpse nearby, but what took me by surprise is that instead of the name Carbon the game had the title "Need For Speed: Uran" on it. I just assumed it was a printing mistake, so I opened the case, and I noticed the disc was glowing, like alien poo. Inside the case was also a mail. It had written "Don't play this game, you will die if you do." I thought it was normal though, so I eagerly popped in the disc to finally play the game.

When I turned on my Playstation 2, it suddenly started burning in green flames, and the television showed a quick slideshow of car crash victims bleeding hyper-realistically with blood. But I just assumed it was some kind of glitch so I kept playing.

I created a new profile and immediately started a new career mode. The career mode began and I was at the part where you arrive at Palmont City with your boner-inducing BMW M3 GTR. Meanwhile all around the canyon there were hyper-realistic corpses laying around everywhere, bleeding with red blood, and outside of my house I noticed that it was raining green acid. I figured it was just some glitch so I continued playing. After a few seconds, Cross from Need For Speed: Most Wanted arrives in his black Chevrolet Corvette Z06. He had empty eye sockets that were bleeding red blood, and he was saying his line "Guess who's back!", only it was reversed, pixelated, digitalized, ear-piercingly loud and crunchy. My ears started bleeding blood, but I have chronic earbleeding anyway, so it was normal.

He rammed my car, and it instantly burst into green flames and red blood. Simultaneously I heard a loud explosion outside, but I thought nothing of it so I just continued playing. And right after that it played a digitalized version of the cutscene afterwards, where Darius arrived in his equally boner-inducing Audi R8. He also had empty eye sockets bleeding with blood. After that cutscene it instantly brought me to the hyper-realistic car class selection screen. Everything seemed normal, but then I noticed something was off...

The Mazda RX-8 was green instead of red... that shouldn't be possible! I now realized that this was a hacked game.

Anyway, I calmed down from almost breaking my television out of anger and continued playing the game. The gameplay was very ordinary, with all the hyper-realistic car crashes, explosion sounds, ear-piercing screams of agony and red blood everywhere. The crew boss races also functioned the same way, with their cars exploding in green flames whenever I won against them. They also always told me something like "You're next" or something, but I just assumed it was supposed to be like that.

And then suddenly Darius arrived in his car, and simultaneously I noticed that outside of my house there stood a car that looked exactly like his, but I simply ignored it and kept playing. Right there the cutscene played where he called Cross to take me down and told me that he will control the entire city, but I just assumed it was a... no, wait, that's actually in the game. Nevermind.

But suddenly I noticed outside that a person who looked like Darius exit that car I mentioned before, and he looked straight at me. It was unimportant, so I kept playing. I was continuing with the hyper-realistic and gory career mode as usual, and suddenly I was finally able to buy a Lamborghini Murciélago. My boner started growing to the size of Japan, and I wanted to do nothing more than to furiously jack off.

So I kept playing as usual and I finally got to the last race with Darius, and then I noticed the Darius guy outside was murdering innocent bystanders, but I was too busy jacking off to my Murciélago to contact the police or something. I finally won the race against Darius, when suddenly my annoying older brother, who was an enthusiastic and greasy brony came into my room to watch me jacking it to my Murciélago. My television began shaking erratically at the sight of my annoying brother, and then the monitor blew up, leaving a huge gaping hole.

That gaping hole turned into a black hole that started sucking in everything, including my brother, who was screaming at the top of his lungs clearly calling out for help. I thought all of that was really weird and I probably should have done something, but my curiosity got the best of me, so I kept watching to see what would happen.

After the black hole sucked in my brother, I suddenly felt something moving towards me, and I turned my head around to see what it was. It was my Murciélago, I was so happy. It attacked me and started to rape me. It hurt so much, but I pushed against it's force, I wanted to please my Murciélago. I felt my anus tearing as my eyes started to water, when suddenly the Darius guy from outside entered my room and said something that changed my life forever...

"The keys are in the car."

That Darius guy handed over his Audi R8 to me, and my boner suddenly started growing to the size of Russia now. My Murciélago felt betrayed, and was out for blood now. I quickly ran out of my house, jumped in the Darius guy's Audi R8 and drove away, even though I'm only 16 years old and I don't have a drivers license yet, but I just assumed it was a glitch so I kept driving.

I ran over several innocent pedestrians, but that was unimportant.

I was getting tired of running away from my Murciélago, so I just decided to ram it to shreds. It has crashed, and I immediately jumped out of my Audi R8 to go and rape my Murciélago, when suddenly the Darius guy appeared again, entering his car and now he started ramming me and my Murciélago with full force, until we all bursted into green flames.

And so, I died, and my father did not take kindly to me having used his credit card.

...But I just assumed it was a glitch, so I kept playing.