Zoidberg's Suicide

I was once an intern at Fox Animation Studios. It was the best job I ever had; I poured coffee for the guy who dealt with all the angry complaints about the modern Simpsons episodes. So as you can see, I was LIVING THE DREAM! At least I was until I saw the most horrifying, bone chilling, spookiest thing that was ever created in the history of ever that was DEFINITELY real, okay? It all started at EXACTLY 2:20 pm on the 3&lt;sup&gt;rd&lt;/sup&gt; day of January in the year 2005.

Anyways, the C.E.O of the entire company came out and picked me and a few other interns to see a preview of the new Futurama episode before anybody else! We were all super pumped, but I couldn't help but wonder why more important higher ups and/or focus groups were doing this instead. So I asked him. Luckily I got a reply. He said, 'Apparently all of the higher ups were recently murdered by JackJack Anti-Skeleton Man the Killer, one of the worst ways to go.' 'Why?:, I asked. 'Did he kill them by [CENSORED] ?' He replied, 'No. The horrible way to go is appearing in a Jeff the Killer fan-fic pasta.' I shuddered at the thought of being a character in one of those. But at least I had an explanation for why us interns were doing this. So we all excitingly ran into the room where we would view the episode. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!?!?!1

I was a huge fan of Futurama; it was a hilarious show that was about the future and stuff... okay I never saw an episode in my entire life, but I don't want the internet to crucify me with a salad fork, so lets just pretend I did. But I said WAS for a reason, for the episode I would witness would be the most horrifying, dreadful thing in existence since Adam Sandler's Pixels. So terrifying that I never bothered to watch a single episode of the actual show, despite my friend trying to hold me at gunpoint so I would watch it. But whenever I try to watch it, I remember the nightmare inducing sight of two human eyeballs photo shopped in front of the eyes of some lobster creature (Zoidberg I think?), and turned red with the paint bucket icon from M.S paint. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to describe the actual episode, don't I?

It all started just like normal. I got my handy dandy stopwatch ready in case this turned out to be a poorly writen creepypasta and started fantasising about the cringe-worthy ripoffs it would spawn. It turned out my preperations were justified, as the boss put the VHS in the cable box and the black and blood red title 'Zoidberg's Suicide' appeared on the screen, with a stock 'human screams of torment' sound effect in the background. I was absolutely horrified: who the hell owns VHS anymore, let alone has a VHS player? But this would turn out to be the least of my problems (and remember, owning a VHS in 2005 is a VERY big problem). After the title screen that I at the time assumed was a glitch passed (life tip: everything that happens in the history of ever is ALWAYS a glitch until proven otherwise. Donald Trump getting elected as the president? A GLITCH!). Anyways, after the title screen passed, it cut to the lobster-squid-human-cthullu thingy (Zoidberg?) playing a weird pipe thing connected to a box or something (a theremin I think?), and he was doing it rather off key. In fact, it was so off-key, that it caused the ears of the guy sitting next to me to turn inside out! I'm serious! He had to go to the hospital to get his ears back to their normal state.

As he was playing the electric violin thingy that was played without touching it, he heard a bloodshot scream from that guy with the red jacket and the purple haired cyclops woman (I give up now, I was always a Simpson's person myself, okay?) were yodeling loudly in thick, overly exaggerated German accents. Now, I'm no genius, but I HIGHLY doubt anything like that happened in the show. The rest of the people around me had confused expressions too, so I thought this was peculiar. Terrifying, even. But it was about to get much worse. And with how many times I've said that already during the creepypasta, you better be scared out of your seats. Anyways, Zoidberg told them to shut up, saying he had a concert tomorrow. Then orange-haired dumbass and cyclops woman thingy started crying, but they had no voice acting: it was completely, 100% silent.

That's when it hit me; I WAS IN A SHITTY PARODY OF SQUIDWARD'S SUICIDE! I tried running out the door as fast as I could, but I forgot that Fox recently hired Slender Man as their bodyguard to make sure no one tries to leave. As he grabbed me with his tentacles and sat me back down in my seat, he said, 'If you would sit there kindly and watch the rest of this boring, err... horrific video, that would be great. Thanks.' Damn it, Slendy! You know I'm a sucker for obligatory Office Space references! So I sat there and continued watching. Larry Lobster Zoidberg continued playing the weird box when a knock came to his door. That's when an angry comment appeared below the pasta that was criticizing me for not knowing Zoidberg was homeless. Well anyways, he answered it, and standing behind it was another Zoidberg, except painted purple mountain majesty (its a real color, okay?) and wearing a lederhosen. He started to say something, but was cut off by Zoidberg, who said 'NOT INTERESTED!' But it wasn't with his voice: it was the voice of someone who had no experience with voice acting who said it in a rushed manor in hopes that no one would notice.

We all started laughing hysterically, but the comedy soon turned back to terror when one guy laughed so hard his head literally blew up into EXACTLY 34,465,156,140,001 pieces! This set the death count of 'Zoidberg's Suicide' to one. Anyways, he came back 6 seconds and 43 milliseconds later (hail the stopwatch), but this time his eyes were painted red with the paint bucket icon from M.S. Paint (again). What he said sends shivers down my spine to this day: 'The blue piss is coming.' We all ran around the room in circles, hyperventilating and praying to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that we would not all die by such a horrifically cheesy line (BURN!). The worst part was how rushed and forced the line was. It then cut to Zoidberg's face for exactly 0.62222222 seconds before cutting back to the doorway, where the purple mountain majesty colored Zoidberg was nowhere to be seen. He then walked back upstairs and resumed playing the box thingy. This is when things started to get absolutely mortifying; two hyper-realistic eyes with hyper-realistic bloodshot veins painted hyper-realistic red were hyper-realistically photo shopped in front of Zoidberg's hyper-realistic face. I used the minimum amount of the word 'hyper-realistic' required for this to be a popular creepypasta, right?

It was just completely silent, and the background started slowly turning red. Then the boss cursed under his breath and ejected the VHS and cleaned it briefly before putting it back in. The background was normal again. (SEE! GLITCH1) It then cut to him playing the box thing in some sort of concert or something. The cut was so abrupt that it telekinetically slammed the dude in front of me into the wall. He survived though. Shame; he always takes all the jelly donuts on Friday. Anyways, he was playing the box thing super off-key, and everyone in the crowd was booing him, with those red photo shopped eyes in front of most of the crowd. But the worst part was when a guys skin flew off his body, showing a still living skeleton (who I am and I wrote this) who yelled at lobsterman and left. They all just left the building.

You think that was bad? Just. Freaking. Wait. What you will see next will scar you for life. Be warned.

No, seriously. You should leave if you have a short attention span.

3...

2...

1...

It showed Zoidberg's face in the bottom right corner of the screen as the background was moving to the left with terrible footsteps that were added in last minute. This happened for 53 minutes, 45 seconds, and 66 milliseconds STRAIGHT! About 2 minutes in, I asked the boss, 'Do we really have to keep watching this?' He replied with 'Yes, DOITORELSEYOUDIE!!!!!!1' So I just sat there bored as hell for 53:45:66. Finally something changed. At first we were happy that that was finally over, but something just as insidious, just as cruel, just as terrifyingly boring was about to happen next. It showed a still image of Zoidberg sitting on his bed, with a filter on the screen to cause said screen to distort and wobble around like a wave. This happened for 30 minutes and a second, but after 6 of them, a bunch of stock clips of various people screaming, whispering, and doing other 'creepy' things. But two things of note happened during this half hour. At 12 minutes in, an image flashed on the screen. We really didn't care to see what it was, but Slenderman was curious, so the boss rewound the tape and paused on the flashed image. WE WISHED WE HADN'T DONE THAT.

The image on the screen was rather gruesome. It looked like a bloated, humanoid figure, except it's face was a horrific bright orange color, its facial features were ugly and disfigured to the point of it reminding me of Jabba the Hutt, and its hair. God its hair. It looked like a dead yellow squirrel creature that was stitched into the creatures head. The horrific entity we saw was Donald Trump. Half of us vomited so much at the sight of this that we nearly died. 6 people actually did (including the jelly doughnut hog). The second image that flashed on the screen was almost as direful. It showed an amphibian-like demon with two eye stalks smiling in a most malevolent manner that had two overly huge, swollen ears and had something that looked like a hot dog sticking out of its mouth. The sight of Jar Jar Binks killed everyone in the room except for me and the C.E.O. (Any Slenderman stories made after this are now officially debunked. Because Zoidberg's fucking Suicide killed him. Boo I guess).

After this it showed Zoidberg facing the camera, his eyes replaced with eyes photo shopped directly from Smile Dog. In the background it sounded like a 32 Â½ year old man having a seizure as he was yelling into a fan while strumming his lips. It sounded a lot like, 'AWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWWAAWAWWWAWAWAWAAAAWAWAWAWAWAAWWWWWWWWWWWWAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAAAAAAAAAAAAWAWAAWAWAWAWAWAWAWAAWAWAWAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111' Then after that happened for 42 years straight (the C.E.O. Unfortunately died of old age and lack of feeding himself. Even my handy-dandy stopwatch stopped working), a voice played in the background. It was Shia Labeouf saying 'DO IT! JUST DO IT!' Zoidberg finally went into a Suicide booth (Dead memes are dangerous, people). After I heard the grim robotic voice say, 'You have chosen exposure to the movie Foodfight', the last line of the thing played: 'The blue piss is coming'. This made me laugh, but lack of maintaining myself due to the 42 year long video caused my head to disintegrate as I laughed. Now, you may be asking something, 'If I'm dead, how the hell did I write this?' The answer? Hell has a GREAT internet connection! Oh, and also, I have a time machine so you can read this before I died in 2047! Realism? What's that?

Written by Hyper-Realistic Mayonaise