The Dragonborn is EVIL!

I was once a huge Skyrim fan, much like exactly 82.9146211114% of everyone else. But then something absolutely terrifying happened. In fact, it was so terrifying that I will never play Skyrim again (even though I only played it for 2 days). But first, I need to add some filler in order for this to be taken seriously. So let’s start from a million hours before the beginning.

 

Despair. Cold, miserable and brutal. That was my life before I found The Elder Scrolls franchise. You see, I was abused by my parents in my early days; they always came into my room without knocking, and they made me eat cauliflower once every month or so. Because of that, my childhood was worse than anyone else’s that ever existed ever. But then, I found the Elder Scrolls II: Daggerfall. It was absolute shit and I hated it. But after that I found the third game Morrowind, and it was one of the best games I ever played in my life.

 

It made my absolutely traumatic childhood much, much better, seeing my deformed humanoid lizard-thing fight some weird giant crocodile man. I played it for a full day! But then I played Oblivion, and it was LEGENDARY! I MEAN, ARGONIANS WERE ALLOWED TO WEAR SHOES! S̶̪̰̊͘H̵̯̍͛̚O̵͕͖͙̓̅͌̉Ę̶̲̤͐̂̽S̴̥̬̈́̃͝!̷̡͎́!̶̫̳̃!̷͓́̓1̷̭͉͙̆ And the face models were so hilarious that I was never depressed while playing the game. It did have this red gate thing though that made the sky turn red and scary and shit. I never went near that. But other than that, it was a good game 6/10 IGN. Good enough to play for 2 days!

 

And Skyrim, for a while, was even better! I mean, I escaped a prison running from a dragon and I gained a title of nobility within the first hour of playing the game! But then, that is where something terrifying started to happen.

 

You see, I walked into this one cave somewhere in the plains of Whiterun called Broken Fang Cave. I found some woman named Vampire, who was accompanied by two skeletons. The skeletons were no problem, but Vampire starting firing some spell that is a red stream of tiny energy or something. She then struck me with her steel sword, and it did so much damage that I had to run away! She did continue firing the redness at me though, and then something appeared at the top left corner of the screen, something I now consider terrifying; You have contracted Sanguinare Vampiris.

 

Once I got out of the cave, I waited for 24 hours so I could heal completely and recharge my Histskin ability. Then I fast-traveled to Whiterun to buy something at that potion place, but it was closed, so I waited for another 24 hours for it to open. It didn’t. So this time I waited for 12 hours. It opened. I bought a poison of weakness to shock (as it would be incredibly helpful in the future), and waited for another 12 hours to make it night again because I thought the night sky was so pretty.

 

IT WAS THEN THAT THE TRUE TERROR BEGAN. The screen turn blood red for 3.2 seconds, and the top left word thing said, “Your blood boils and your vampiric powers awaken”. I was completely and utterly mortified by this. I looked at my character, and his eyes turned into hyper-realistic glowing… er…. amber-ish(?) eyes! But this was the least of my worries. Whenever I was in the sunlight, my health, magicka, and stamina would not heal, but in the darkness, they healed fine. But whenever I could pickpocket someone, I had the option to DRAIN THEIR BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!1 It was then that I discovered that the Dragonborn, the character you played as, was a monster, a pure evil monster that is hyper-realistic and E̴͖͍̿V̶̲̮̘̇Ȉ̶̖̉L̵̮͔̃̃! I decided not to bite people, but after  a while, the screen thing said, “As a blood-starved vampire, you are hated and feared”, and everyone started attacking me! They found out what a monster my character was. So I tried to destroy the game, but I downloaded it onto my Xbox One, so I destroyed the Xbox instead.

 

So please, stop playing Skyrim or any Elder Scrolls, or else you will experience terror incarnate.

Written by H1V3M1ND 3V0LV3D