The Santa Claus Theory

You've all heard the childhood story of the big guy. His tell-tale red suit and hat, along with his big, jolly belly full of cookies, milk, and happiness. The presents he leaves are full of pure Christmas spirit, packaged with love by his merry little elves. Everyone loves ol' Nicky! There's not one ounce of evil in his big, happy body...

Or so you think. You may be thinking to yourself, "Santa's so jolly and fresh, how could there be anything evil about him?" Well, I'll tell you, oh, I'll give it real and straight. There's things behind that kringle that you couldn't begin to imagine. Underneath that big red hat lies abominable thoughts beyond our comprehension. That big belly you know and love? Filled with the flesh of his victims. That Santa Claus is a bad, bad man, if you can even call him human.

Santa and his "elves" are a maniacal organization of evil masterminds. They have been plotting the downfall of mankind for as long as Santa's beard is silver. His elves, or grotesque cannibals as they really are, feast on the small children that get up to take a peek at Santa. Every so often, the elves sabotage the toys so that they come to life in the middle of the night and attack everyone in the household. Santa then enters through the chimney and stuffs the bodies into his sack.

Once Santa has collected a sufficient amount, he returns to his sinister outpost at the North Pole. The elves slice open the victims and  ravenously devour the innards. Each elf is supplied with one victim, two if they had a good year. Santa feasts on a whopping 20-30 victims each day, giving his belly its notorious round shape. The houses Santa decides to strike in are unpredictable, he attacks wherever he pleases; be it The Netherlands, Semalia, or  your very neighborhood.

The presents Santa leaves look just like any other present from the outside. Within the tinsel and wrapping paper contain deviant instruments of torture and death. The next time you see a present beneath your tree with unfamiliar wrapping paper, beware; it could be a sign of The Santa Claus!

Firegirl220