Super Mario Sexty4

'''I was patrolling the interwebs one day searching for some good porn to jerk my dick to when I came across a thrilling sounding website called “Nudie Booty.com” OMG so hawt right? Well, that’s where the deep disappointment sets in; it was just a shitty eBay knockoff. Disheartened and quickly losing my stiffy, I was about to book it when I noticed something interesting:'''

'''“Deal of the Day! Super Mario Sexty4.”'''

'''This was strange I thought, there’s no game with that title! I clicked the link and immediately noticed the price was $6.66! My hand trembled, not just because of the price, but also due to my balls becoming blue.'''

'''Now as you all know; I’m a total Mario fan, much like everyone else, I like the newer games, but I don’t mind playing the classics. So the prospect of buying a rare Mario game was highly intriguing. Still, that price was scary… oh well, maybe it’s just a coincidence right? I went ahead and just purchased the damn thing.'''

'''A few days passed. I was just chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool in my living room when I heard a knock at my door. I went to open the door when a package came flying through my window.'''

'''The fuck? I thought, I opened the door and was greeted with nothing! Who could’ve knocked the door? Maybe that bastard Kyle slipped something into my nachos last night? Shaking these intrusive thoughts away, I decided to open the mysterious package, it was my copy of Super Mario Sexty4! It was an N64 cartridge with a picture of Mario with a thong on it.'''

'''This was a little strange… Mario games are kid friendly, Nintendo would never allow Mario to bare his thicc figure... maybe this is some weird hacked game made by someone at Nudie Booty? Well, I already bought the game so I figured it would be a waste to not play it.'''

'''I slapped the game into my N64 and turned it on, the screen was black for approximately 26.4 seconds. The title screen was similar to the original Super Mario 64 except Mario had blood on his face and didn't say anything… maybe it’s just a glitch? I tried to mess around with his face, but he just stayed still… after 18.3 seconds I heard something that still haunts me to this day…'''

“Welcome to my game, mama fucker!”

'''I let out a piercing screech! Did Mario really say that!? I continued to yell until the police kicked down my door and arrested me for being a loud asshole, I was released the next day…'''

'''I decided to try playing this game again, maybe I just misheard what Mario said? Conveniently, the game was still on! I picked up the controller and pressed the start button.'''

'''The game started with Mario running through a field, everything was fine until I came across a Koopa Troopa. I stomped on him then tossed its shell at a group of Goombas, a sea of hyper realistic blood gushed out out of them!'''

“Are you happy with yourself?” Mario asked.

'''I froze… did Mario just talk to me again? Tears fell from my eyes… how could I allow the slaughter of innocent Goombas!? I then spotted a lone question block. Mario jumped at the block on his own! A whip covered in blood popped out of it… I was starting to get pretty scared at this point... but I carried on like the dumbfuck I am.'''

'''Mario picked up the whip and cracked it at Yoshi. (oh yeah, he was here this whole time)'''

“IIIIIIIIII’ts-a punishment time!” Mario yelled.

'''The screen faded to black for approximately 37.4 seconds. I could hear Yoshi noises in the background…  suddenly… the screen came back! Yoshi was tied up to a wall and wearing a gimp suit. Mario waltzed in wearing just a thong, like the one I saw on the cartridge!'''

'''“Yahoo!” Mario said as he pointed at the screen. I was shaking, how could something like this happen? What was Mario planning to do to Yoshi? Or hell- WHAT ABOUT ME!?!?!?!?!?'''

Mario still had the whip, but there was something different about it… it was now covered in hyper realistic blood and hyper realistic semen!

'''“It’s-a time for you to join us!” Mario cracked the whip at the screen. The TV turned off, I thought I was free… but as I turned around I saw something on my bed… it was a Mario plush wearing a thong and had a whip with hyper realistic blood and hyper realistic semen!'''

“Are you ready for playtime?” the demonic plush said.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I shouted back.

“It’s-a too late!”

'''Mario sucked me into his world. I’ve been tormented by him since then. The only reason I was able to write about my experience is because Mario left to go eat lotsa spaghetti. To anyone reading this… NEVER PLAY SUPER MARIO SEXTY4.'''

'''Though on the bright side I no longer have blue balls. '''