Charlie the Killer Parody

Uploader's Note: I don't know who wrote this, but I had it saved to my computer and thought it was too funny not to upload. If anyone knows who wrote this, feel free to credit them.

CHARLIE THE KILLER

Once there was this girl name Charlie. She was named after Charlie Sheen because her parents were doing a lot of drugs when she was born. She was, like, totally bullied in school way worse than anyone had ever been bullied ever in the history of time. Other girls called her names and said she was fat and ugly and a whore, and no one, especially not a female, has ever been called those things before! Also, Charlie was super beautiful in real life and she was also a really nice girl. Oh, she heard voices in her head, because that's an attempt at SUBTLE foreshadowing.

One day Charlie decided to be insane, so she ripped a copper pipe out of the wall at her school. It was easy because she went to school in a building made of wet paper, apparently. The copper pipe was also strong and sharp enough to stab someone with, so it would seem the school did not adhere to safety regulations. Anyway, Charlie murdered a "bully" with the pipe and ranted at the corpse, "This is how I felt when you were calling me names! Name-calling is the equivalent of murder! I am completely justified in doing this because I'm an author avatar, I mean a victim! Anyone who says name-calling does not deserve death is just a bully as well!" She then licked blood off the pipe, not realizing that there are several blood-borne pathogens that she could contract in this sad attempt to look badass. Charlie ended up with hepatitis C.

This murder must have occurred in a completely isolated location, because no one tried to stop Charlie from leaving the school. She just walked right out and decided she liked killing people. You see, Charlie was such a nice girl that she liked senseless murder because it made her feel unafraid, despite the fact that there was no mention of her being afraid before this sentence. Charlie kept on a-killin' and eventually died her hair black and wore dark, heavy makeup because she was so disturbed and gothic and super cool. Also, she loved Jeff the Killer.

Charlie finally met Jeff and they were totally destined to be together. They are, like, the one true pairing, you guys! They fell in love immediately and they even kissed despite the fact that Jeff has no lips. That's how in love they were. Oh, and this probably should have been mentioned before, but Charlie had and abusive father who beat her and her mother, but Charlie was still sad when he left, because that's great characterization. And Charlie's mother died from a terrible case of HeavyHandedTragicSuicide-itis. But who cares about that when we can talk more about the lovey-dovey couple Jeff and Charlie and their wedding!

True, it makes no sense who two wanted murderers would be able to get married without being arrested, but logic has no place here. So, Jeff waited at the altar as Charlie walked down the aisle in the most beautiful wedding dress ever made EVER. She looked sooooo hot! The pair stood before the priest, who began the ceremony.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of Jeff the Killer and Charlie the Killer in marriage... and death!"

"Huh?" Jeff and Charlie gawked in unison. The priest grinned and reached under his chin. With a quick tug, he pulled his mask off and revealed his true identity-- Time-Traveling Dad!

"We're putting an end to this, Jeff," he growled, "once and for all. You were never worthy of becoming memetic, much less being idolized." He raised his trusty shotgun Pacemaker with one hand and leveled it at Jeff.

Jeff grinned, mostly because that was the only expression he could convey with his mouth cut up. "Go ahead and try, old man. I'll just make you GO TO SLEEP!"

Time-Traveling Dad just rolled his eyes. "That catchphrase was never clever." He pulled the trigger.

"NOOOOOO, JEFF X CHARLIE 4EVAR! JEFF X CHARLIE OTP!!!" The girl shrieked like a banshee and launched herself in the path of the gun. Pacemaker's shot hit her dead-on, dissolving Charlie into her component parts of letters and self-aggrandizing bullshit.

It was only a for a moment, but the cloud of poor writing blocked Time-Traveling Dad's vision long enough for his target to flee. He cursed to himself quietly. "I should have known he would use the fangirl as a shield, the coward. By now he's jumped into some other poor emo kid's fantasy-fulfillment story." There were so many of the stories, it was getting tough to track Jeff down. He sighed. Maybe he was getting too old for this.

"Or maybe... Maybe I just need to recruit some like-minded help..."

(To be continued! Dun dun duuuuun!)