Arsegoblinpokalypse 66K

6/1/2666

It’s been a week since it all started. It has been a week since goblins started pouring out of everyone’s assholes.

They say it was because of a scientific mishap. Scientists have decided to tamper with mother nature, and in return she made goblins pour out of everybody’s collective assholes. With seven billion assholes in the world, that’s a lot of fucking goblins.

I was on the toilet when it all started. I was shitting out a massive nugget from the chicken tendies my mommy brought me from Wendy’s. When I reached my hand into my asshole, as I always do, instead of my tendie-flavored turd I pulled out an entire fucking goblin. I strangled the fucker and pulled his corpse out. When I hobbed out of the bathroom, my mommy was already dead. The goblin had ripped her a second Caeserian section.

From that point it was chaos. Everywhere I would go, there would be goblins popping out of everyone’s assholes. Your neighbors, your friends, the police, that normie Wendy's cashier – everything you knew and loved – suddenly had a goblin pop out of its collective asshole.

6/2/2666

Okay, so I’ve teamed up with a group of other survivors. All of them were either shitting or getting fisted when the assgoblins came, which is how they managed to beat them back. The entire city of Shitsborough, IL is in chaos, so we’d better get out.

We wanted to get a helicopter out, but just as it took flight somebody on the ground farted out a goblin, which launched into the helicopter and blew it up. We’re fucked.

6/3/2666

We’re hiding in an abandoned butt ointment factory. If the assgoblins get anyone, we’ll have enough butt ointment on our hands to put them down.

A bunch of people are talking about how there is actually an old abandoned nuclear facility underneath the factory and how if we blow up the nukes we can spread the ointment across the lands, covering everything in it and killing the assgoblins for good.

An astronaut from China crashed through the roof recently and confirmed that China is overrun as well. None of us speak Chinese, so he had to put on a puppet show to explain it. His spaceship actually crashed on our remaining supplies, so we decided to eat him instead.

Problem is we were hungry again ten minutes later. Damn Chinese.

6/4/2666

Little Timmy says he has found the secret combination that would cause the nukes to go off. He claims we could strap a whole bunch of ointment to the nukes and then pollenate the earth with it. That’s fucking stupid, but everybody was on board.

Problem is he found my top-secret tendie stash. This place doubled as a tendie factory, and like hell I’m giving this crispy goodness away to anyone else. So I had to suffocate Timmy while he was asleep by sitting on his face.

6/5/2666

Everybody found out and got real peeved that I, quote, “ate ten years’ worth of fucking chicken tenders”. They tried to eat me too, but they couldn’t get past my totally healthy rolls of fat. So they threw me out instead. The bastards!

I didn’t even protest when a nearby goblin quickly planted itself inside of my asshole. In fact, I have a little plan…

6/6/2666

Dear diary, I have finally done it. I have avenged my honor, my tendies, and my virgin butthole.

So I spent the day eating everything I could find; sewage, corpses, shrapnel, even tried some of that disgusting non-tendie food my Mommy and community college nurse were raving about. I don’t know why I did this, but without tendies you would have to improvise.

It turns out having a goblin in your asshole is really not that bad. We mostly just play early access anime dating simulators at the abandoned GameStop and talk about the current political climate. Not that there are any politicians left to talk about.

So what I did was, late at night while those normie cunts were sleeping I crawled into the ointment factory, making sure to keep the assgoblin out of harm’s way. I used Little Timmy’s code to get inside the missile silo, and got revenge on the normies. I crawled inside of the missile and let one rip, my sewage and shrapnel-infused natural gases making great fuel for the rocket.

When the rocket got high enough it exploded, showering the planet with billions of asshole goblins, dooming those human normies forever. How am I writing this? Well, it turns out each of those billions of assgoblins actually has my consciousness. That’s right.

I am a gigantic hivemind of goblins.

Humans are gathering forces in the north, but we will get to them soon enough. And when we do, those normies will pay. For no one – neither assgoblins nor normies nor complete nuclear holocaust – will quell the wrath of my buttermilk deep-fried chicken tendies.