The Complete Truth About Neon Genesis Evangelion

EXCERPT FROM LOCAL NEWSPAPER: MAN'S HOUSE EXPLODED MYSTERIOUSLY! 1 DEAD AND 3 HURT!

I'm a local crime scene investigator, and I've been solving crimes for the last 20 years now, but nothing has boggled me like this explosion case. What caused it? There was no evidence of any explosive materials around, so what caused it? The only surviving item in the house, was an old video tape about some shit labelled: “Evangelion Lost Footage TOP SECRET”. This bothered me, and made me wonder if it had anything to do with the explosion. I kept the tape for evidence.

I then started to do some research about these mysterious explosions. I found an article about a similar case in Japan, known as the GAINAX Explosion. I had to do some digging though before I could find anything interesting. I found the victems internet history to see if I could find anything worth while. He did have something of value. He met a user who had a tape. I visited this user. I spoke with him, and he was suprisingly easy to get information out of. He says that he was a former GAINAX employee, an intern to be exact. He also showed me another tape he had. I took this tape, and took it back to the station.

I put it in my old vhs player. The show started. When the intro came on, instead of Shinji being there, it was some strange long haired man. He was also a naked lady. I wanted to turn the video off, but I continued.

It said: Previously on Neon Genesis Evangelion. It then showed skrillex and DeadMau5 throwing a mau5 head at Gendo. Then it showed a building getting luanched at Asuka, before Gendo eats Rei. I was horrified at the sight. I knew that Gendo was more than just a villian on the show; he was pure evil.

It then displayed Tokyo- 3. Then a voice could be heard saying: “INCOMING ANGEL!!!!!!” Then Ramiel, or the diamond angel showed up! Instead of the EVAs showing up though, Misato, Ritsuko, and Skrillex showed up instead! Misato then pointed at the angel and said: “RITSUKO TRANSFORM!” Ritsuko leaped into the air, and revealed her final form! She had transformed into.... RITZUKO!!! Misato grabbed the box of Ritzuko crackers, and shot at Ramiel like a machine gun! Crackers and blood was flying everywhere! Ramiel shot his SUPER LAZORS, but our heroes were too quick! AND THEN MISATO LAUNCHED A KETCHUP PACKET AT RAMIEL, AND EXPLODED! This was odd since when I looked at the ketchup, it was normal ketchup; MIXED WITH HUMAN BLOOD!!!!!!!! RAMIEL WAS BLASTED BACK INTO A GAS STATION! Ramiel rose from the fire, REVEALING HIS NEW ALLY!!!!!! WHEN HE SPLIT OPEN, INSIDE WAS NONE OTHER THAN GENDO FUCKING IKARI! I KNEW IT!

Ramiel then shrunk into the palm of Gendo's hand, AND THEN GENDO ATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GENDO THEN RIPPED HIS PANTS RIGHT OFF, AND REVEALED HIS ASS TO THE CAMERA! His ass was so realistic looking, it made me puke in my mouth. I then looked closer into the eye of Gendo's butthole. THERE WERE LOTS OF TINY SHARDS OF BITTEN RAMIEL IN THERE! EVERYONE WAS GONNA DIE FROM GENDO'S ASS GUN! Then skrillex turned up his bass real hard! THE WAVES OF THE SICK AS SHIT BEATS REFLECTED THE SHARDS BACK AT HIM! “TIME TO FINISH YOU OFF NOW!” yelled Skrillex. He whipped out his dick, but he didn't have a penis there. HE HAD A BASS CANNON! He then grabbed Ritzuko, and loaded her crackers into his dick bass cannon! He then pumped his bass cannon hard, and shot the crackers at Gendo! Gendo was getting destroyed by the dick crackers! He then swallowed one of them. This was a mistake, since HIS FUCKING HEAD EXPLODED! THERE WAS GENDO BLOOD EVERYWHERE ALL OVER THE PLACE! Everyone thought it was the end of Gendo. They celebrated too early. Out from over the city had come the final boss the real mastermind! IT WAS PEN PEN! THE FUCKING PENGUIN WAS THE MASTERMIND THE WHOLE TIME!

THIS WAS THE FINAL BATTLE FOR TOKYO- 3! PEN PEN SHOT LAZERS EVERYWHERE! TOKYO- 3 WAS CRUMBLING UNDER THE WRATH OF THE PENGUIN OVERLORD! HE OPENED HIS MOUTH, AND MP EVAS FLOODED THE ENTIRE CITY! Skrillex had a genious idea. He said: “DROP IT DROP IT BOMB BOMB!” AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE, MISATO WIHPPED OUT A CONTROLL SWITCH, AND PRESSED THE LARGE RED BUTTON! Coming from the sky, was a HELLFIRE MISSLE with Misato's face on it! When it seperated into seperate missles, THEY WERE ALL EXPLOSIVE MISATO HEADS! THEY ALL HIT THE MP EVAS, AND THEN BLEW UP INTO MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF POOP AND BLOOD! I thought something was off though, because Pen Pen was glowing with energy!!! HE COMBINED WITH ALL OF THE MP EVAS, AND EVEN GENDO TO FORM SUPER MP EVANPENDO!!!

EVERYONE WAS FUCKED NOW! THEY WERE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MISATO LAUNCHED MORE HELLFIRE MISSLES, RITZUKO SHOT MORE GRENADE CRACKERS, IT WASN'T WORKING. ONLY FEW LAYERS OF THIS MASSIVE BEAST COULD BE TAKEN OUT AT A TIME! SKRILLEX LAUNCHED HIS DICK BASS CANNON, AND COMBINED IT WITH EVERYONE ELSE'S POWERS! He pumped up his bass penis really hard, and shot out! This resulted in a barrage of bass blasted cracker hellstorm greande missles! Pen Pen was hurt badly, but not out yet! All of the combined EVAs combined with him shot out something of their own! They shot out GENDO MISSLES! GENDOS RAINED DOWN ONTO OUR HEROES! Ritzuko and Miasto had an idea. CRACKER HELLFIRE MISSLES WERE LAUNCHED, AND ALL OF THE TINY GENDOS WERE DEFEATED! MORE GENDOS WERE LAUNCHED WITH THE ROAR OF PEN PEN! Too bad Misato & Ritzuko were outnumbered by the missles, and were getting rained upon by un attentive fathers!

They were doomed, EXCEPT FOR ONE SMALL THING! Suddenly, out of nowhere, SHINJI SHOWED UP! Pen Pen laughed at the sight of Shinji. Shinji turned quickly, and looked at Skrillex. He then said: “YO SKRILL DROP IT HARD!” AND THEN SKRILLEX DROPPED AN INSANELY SICK BEAT! SKRILLEX WHIPPED OUT HIS STEREO SYSTEM AND HIS BASS CANNON DICK, AND THE WHOLE PLACE WAS ELECTIFIED! SHINJI THEN STARTED DROPPING AND POPPING SOME SICK MOVES ON THE FLOOR! SUDDENLY, EVERYONE STARTED TO DROP MORE SICK MOVES! Suddenly, the Gendo missles started to turn into regular Gendos. Shinji forgot from the first episode, THAT GENDO COULD DROP SOME SICK MOVES TOO! EVERYONE WAS DROPPING IT DOWN LOW, AND SHIT WAS GETTING HEAVY NOW! EVEN PEN PEN STARTED BRINGING THE HEAT! EXPLOSIONS SURROUNDED EVERYTHING DUE TO THE AMOUNTS OF SICK BEATS AND MOVES DROPPIN! THE GENDO'S TRAMPOLINE BOOTIES WERE GETTING TOO INTENSE FOR THE HEROES!

THEN AN EXPLOSION WENT OFF IN THE SKY! IT WAS DEADMAU5, REI, AND THE REST OF THE EVAS! THEY WERE SAVED! That small boost was what had saved the now destroyed Tokyo- 3 from a total massacre! THE WHOLE CREW WAS NOW GENDO PROOF! Pen Pen's MP EVAs exploded off of him, and were falling to pieces! THE AMOUNTS OF SICKNESS IN THESE BEATS WERE TOO MUCH! All of the Gendos formed again into regular Gendo as he fell down to the ground. The floor started to open! It was the door to Hell! Then Evil Pen Pen and Gendo were being dragged back to Hell by none other than ASUKA SATAN! The ground then sealed back up again. Tokyo- 3 had been saved! It ended with Shinji looking down, and bringing his head up to look at the camera. He then says:” I think we dropped a little too hard...” Then the credits started to roll over a pan out of Tokyo- 3. It ended suprisingly normal.

I remembered what happened to the two other people who watched one of these. I was ready for the explosion. The credits ended though, and nothing happened. I was releived now. I then got up to continue to the police station.

It's been 4 years since I watched the tape. My life was changed forever since that day. I always felt as if something wasn't right in my life. I could always see Gendo around the corner, or I would see outlines of penguins. I'm scared now. I feel like I'm always being watched. I can never sleep anymore. I did need to get some rest though. I was in the middle of a bad dream of Gendo, and that fucking penguin, and woke up from it. I looked to see my wife sleeping next to me. She woke up as well, and turned to look at me. When she turned around IT WAS GENDO IKARI SLEEPING NEXT TO ME AND THEN MY ENTIRE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE ONLY REMAINING EVIDENCE WAS A MESSAGE SPELT OUT IN BLOOD SAYING: EVERYONE'S NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!